


Dig

by LyricalKris



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 02:34:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 74,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricalKris/pseuds/LyricalKris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jasper was afraid to admit he was in love with his best friend, and then it was too late. When Edward was raped by the man who was supposed to love him, the fallout destroyed both their lives. There can be hope again. Dreams can be rebuilt even after they've been ripped apart. The deepest wounds can heal.</p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <a href="http://s118.photobucket.com/user/lyricalkris/media/Twilight%20Fanfic%20Stuff/DigBanner_zps61b41dc9.jpg.html">
      <img/>
    </a>
  </p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**A/N, Disclaimer, and warnings: I hope you’ve read the summary so you know what this is about. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions. You won’t find anything graphic here.**

 

**I am not Stephenie Meyer, in case you hadn’t noticed.**

 

**SO. This is actually a request from my love jfka06. She wanted me to continue Prompt 13 from the Twilight Twenty-Five (which I wrote as a date rape between Bella and James), but she also wanted a J/E story. This is what we settled on. I’m not going to say I hope you enjoy it, because that seems wrong.**

* * *

**_~0~_ **

**_If I turn into another,_ **

**_Dig me up from under what is covering_ **

**_The better part of me._ **

**_Sing this song!_ **

**_Remind me that we'll always have each other_ **

**_When everything else is gone._ **

**_~Dig, Incubus_ **

**_~0~_ **

Edward  had a habit of making things look effortless. He was great at any sport he played. He could play any musical instrument he touched. He’d gotten straight A’s from kindergarten to senior year of high school without even trying.

 

Throughout their friendship, Jasper had never been jealous of Edward. There was no need. Jasper was an outgoing kid. He was charismatic, smart, and talented in his own right. No matter how well Edward did or how impressive he got, Jasper was only ever proud of his friend.

 

Until college.

 

College was the first time Jasper ever felt jealous of Edward’s ease with everything. Their first year of college, Edward walked into their dorm room the night before winter break with a look on his face Jasper had never seen. His cheeks were a hectic pink; his smile was about to spread right off his face; his eyes danced.

 

“I just had the best night of my life, and I’m pretty sure I’m in love,” Edward said.

 

Jasper’s stomach twisted. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and forced a grin, reminding himself this was Edward. He couldn’t be serious about the love thing. Edward had never been very fanciful. He’d always said love was overrated. “Oh, yeah? Tell me all about her.”

 

Edward paused. His happy expression faltered, and his eyes darted to Jasper and away. “Him.”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s not a her. It’s a him. His name is Aro. I’m in love with him.”

 

Jasper’s heart and stomach dropped right down to his shoes.

 

The thing was, Jasper had known for years he was two things - in love and gay. In all that time, he hadn’t been able to summon the courage to admit either of those facts. Yet here was Edward, describing how he’d thought for months he might be gay and whatever had happened with Aro had cinched the deal. Coming out to Jasper was as natural and easy as everything else. Admitting he was in love seemed to be second nature. Jasper was horribly jealous because both were ideas he’d agonized over. He’d told no one. Not even Edward. Especially not Edward.

 

It might have seemed like a good time for Jasper to come out, but Edward’s announcement had made that impossible. Jasper had figured out he was gay in high school because he’d realized then he was in love with his best friend.

**_~0~_ **

Jasper did not like Edward’s boyfriend. Given he was in love with Edward, Jasper was well aware the likelihood he would approve of Aro was slim to none. Because he was aware of that, he had gone in with an open mind. His dislike had next to nothing to do with the fact Aro got to kiss Edward when he didn’t. Jasper had double and triple checked himself, but every time they all went out together, the result was the same. Aro Scarpinato gave Jasper the heebie jeebies. Jasper couldn’t quite put his finger on why, but Aro gave off a creeper vibe. Beyond that, the man was plain infuriating.

 

It wasn’t as though Jasper couldn’t understand what was so appealing about the man. Aro was twenty-six, handsome in a regal kind of way, and genius level smart, just like Edward. He was a grad student in history, so Jasper should have enjoyed talking to him. But even there, Aro specialized in British history where Jasper tended to be more interested in early American history.

 

What bothered Jasper the most was how Aro treated Edward. The man was possessive. When they were out, Aro constantly had his arm around Edward’s shoulders. He spoke as if he owned him. “My Edward tells me you’re minoring in philosophy.” When Aro wasn’t with them, Edward was constantly texting him. “He’s just curious what we’re doing.” Jasper got the distinct impression Aro would have preferred Edward didn’t hang out with any other hot guys. Maybe he should have taken it as a compliment that Aro included him in that category, but Edward was his roommate. It wasn’t as though Edward was going out of his way to hang out with him.

 

There were other disturbing things. Aro was constantly telling Edward what he should and shouldn’t be doing.

 

“You shouldn’t eat white bread. There’s no nutrition. It’s mostly sugar.”

 

“You’re so lanky. You should hit the gym more often and work on that muscle tone. Think of how sexy you’d be with just a little more definition in your arms and back.”

 

“You shouldn’t take that class. Professor Damon has nothing to offer you.”

 

It all sounded so innocuous on the surface. Jasper had asked himself why it disturbed him. Wasn’t Aro just being a concerned boyfriend? But too often he saw Edward change tiny pieces of his personality one by one. Even when Aro wasn’t there, Jasper couldn’t count the number of times he heard, “Aro says this” or “Aro says I shouldn’t that.” Then, slowly, Aro’s suggestions became commands.

 

“Don’t order waffles; order the egg whites.”

 

“You don’t have time to take on that project. Tell him to get another partner.”

 

“I’ve signed you up at my gym.”

 

As gentle and soft spoken as Aro seemed, Jasper couldn’t help but see him as a threat. His protective instinct screamed in his head, but he didn’t know what to do. Edward was smitten, and it wasn’t as though the man was beating on him or something like that. Edward was a big boy. He could make his own decisions.

 

Jasper tried to be a supportive friend. He didn’t want Edward to think he was weirded out about the fact he was with a guy, so he tried to joke around the same way he joked with his other friends. He joked about their sex life even though the thought of Aro touching Edward made his stomach churn.

 

Edward was quiet at first. “We haven’t… done anything. Not really.” He swallowed hard. He seemed embarrassed. “I don’t think I’m ready. Is that pathetic?”

 

“No, man. I know we joke around about it, but sex is, I don’t know… Important. To me it is, anyway.” Jasper never would have admitted that to anyone else, but he knew Edward wouldn’t judge him. He needed Edward to know it went both ways. “I’m a virgin, you know.”

 

“I didn’t know. I was curious. You’ve never talked about anyone, but you joke with the guys.”

 

“Yeah. I joke.” Jasper bumped his shoulder. “So how’s Aro taking that? He’s not pushing you, is he?”

 

Again, Edward lapsed into silence.

 

“Edward? He isn’t, right?”

 

“We’ve been dating for almost two months,” Edward said. “He has a right to think things should have progressed beyond getting handsy by now.”

 

Jasper balled his fists at his side as he tried to figure out what he was supposed to say. Though he had rolled his eyes and been embarrassed by his parents’ insistence on the topic, he found himself thinking back to the many, many times his parents had had the same conversation with him as he was about to have with Edward. “Sex isn’t something you owe anyone, Edward, not even your boyfriend. It’s something you both have to want.” His cheeks flushed. This was an embarrassing conversation to have.

 

“I know that. I’m just saying, it’s normal he wants to do those things with me.” Edward lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with a look of consternation on his face. “It has to suck for him, right? He’s twenty-six, Jasper. He’s had other relationships. He just wants to show me how he feels about me, and I keep getting… scared. It’s stupid.”

 

“It’s not stupid.”

 

“We’re nineteen-year-old virgins. That’s pathetic.”

 

“Dude.” Jasper sat up on his bed so he could stare at his friend. “Are you even hearing yourself right now? You sound like one of those macho assholes. I don’t give a shit if you’re nineteen or forty-seven. The only reason you should have sex is if you want to, not because it’s some measure of manliness, and definitely not because some asshole is pressuring you.”

 

Edward crossed his arms and rolled so his back was to Jasper. “It’s not pressure. He just wants normal things, that’s all.”

 

“Okay. I’m sick of this. I can’t stay quiet anymore.” Jasper crossed the room and pressed on Edward’s shoulder so he rolled onto his back. “What the hell kind of power does this guy has over you? Do you realize how much you’ve changed? You’re a cocky bastard, Edward, but lately you’re scared of your own shadow and now this? I don’t get it. If he makes you feel pathetic for not being ready to have sex yet-”

 

“Would you shut up?” Edward glared and pushed him away. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I love him and he loves me.”

 

“He controls you.”

 

“God, what are you even upset about?” Edward crossed his arms as he got to his feet. “Aro thinks you’re jealous. He thinks you want me. I told him he was just being dumb, but I don’t know now. You tell me.”

 

Jasper looked away quickly and asked himself not for the first time if he was reacting this way not out of concern but jealousy. Was he overreacting? “Aro thinks everyone wants you. _He’s_ the jealous twat. I just don’t want him to hurt you.”

 

“He wouldn’t. He loves me.”

**_~0~_ **

Two weeks passed. Things were strained between Jasper and Edward since their spat. A lot had changed. Edward was frequently gone until late at night and sleeping when Jasper left for class. When they were in the same room and Aro called, Edward would take his phone out in the hall. Jasper hated it. He hated the lack of trust it symbolized. That was the point of best friends. Edward should have been able to trust that he could go to Jasper with anything and not get crap about it.

 

Jasper vacillated between guilt that he’d overreacted and anger that Edward was taking it all so far. Even if he had been over-zealous, couldn’t the prick see it was only because he was concerned?

 

That Friday night, Jasper decided to go out with some of his other friends. It was easier to shake off his irritation when he was surrounded by other college kids in good moods. He started to relax. Every time his thoughts strayed to the frustrating situation with Edward, he let one of his other friends distract him.

 

Around midnight, Edward called. A spike of elation and hope went through Jasper with bitterness right on its heels. His heart pounded as he connected the call. “What?” When seconds went by with no reply, Jasper might have thought the call was a mistake except he could hear Edward breathing. “Edward?” Huff. Huff. Huff. “Hey, Edward? Are you there?”

 

“Where… where are you?”

 

The sound of Edward’s voice closed off Jasper’s throat. Dread settled like a stone in his stomach. Something was wrong. He knew it. He knew it to the marrow of his bones. Jasper stood and made for the exit without offering his friends an explanation. “I’m out, man. What is it? What’s going on? Where are you?”

 

“I’m in the room.”

 

His voice was so… other. It was flat. It was Edward, but it wasn’t. Jasper had never heard him sound like this. He walked faster. “Are you okay?”

 

“Are you coming back?”

 

Jasper felt like throwing up and he didn’t know why. “Yeah. I’ll be there.”

 

The call disconnected.

 

Jasper sprinted.

 

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to find when he got back to their room. He opened the door as though he were turning a corner in a haunted house, half expecting something horrifying to jump out at him. What he saw was anticlimactic at first. “Dude?”

 

Edward sat on the edge of his bed. At first, Jasper thought he’d been an idiot and got all worked up over nothing. Edward was obviously fine. But slowly, other things began to sink in. Edward was all but motionless as he sat on the bed. The look on his face was blank, but his eyes were puffy and red, as though he’d been crying very recently. His hair was disheveled. His usually immaculate bed was rumpled. His knuckles were white where he clutched the blanket.

 

Jasper shut the door and took several steps toward Edward, unsure of what to do or what was going on. He was missing something here. “Edward?” He snapped his fingers in front of his friend’s face just to get a reaction. Edward flinched. He looked up briefly as though he’d just noticed Jasper was there and then he looked away again. “What the fuck is going on? What’s wrong? What happened?”

 

Edward’s lips parted and his tongue darted out as he wetted them. He panted and swallowed. “I, um… I had sex. Me and Aro. We had sex.”

 

Jasper’s stomach dropped down to his shoes. “Okay.” He felt dizzy, his thoughts thick as though they were weighed down. The pieces were beginning to add up. Because he couldn’t formulate the words, he reached out. One by one, he began to loosen Edward’s fingers from his grip on the blanket around him. Edward’s breath picked up and all the blood drained from his face, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t so much as move. The blanket fell down enough to reveal Edward’s bare shoulders.

 

There were marks. Red hand marks on his shoulders, spanning his back.

 

Marks that made it look like someone had gripped him too tight and had to readjust their grip.

 

Marks dark enough that they would be bruises in the morning.

 

Fury and horror vied for dominance, but Jasper swallowed both emotions down. “Edward, I’m going to call the police.”

 

Edward sucked in a breath and looked up at Jasper, his eyes wide and scared. “What? No. Why?”

 

“Because.” Jasper’s throat was dry and tight. He could scarcely speak for all the rage going through him. “Aro raped you, didn’t he?”

 

Edward looked down. His shoulders rose and fell sharply as his breath became more labored. He shook his head. “You can’t call anyone. You can’t tell anyone. He didn’t… He…” His posture slumped. “He’s my boyfriend,” he whispered.

 

At a loss for what to do, Jasper sat next to Edward on the bed, leaving enough space between them so as not to make him uncomfortable. “Him being your boyfriend doesn’t give him any rights if this wasn’t what you wanted.”

 

Edward began to tremble hard enough the bed shook. “He’s my boyfriend. He’s my boyfriend.”

 

Jasper scooted closer. He put his hand against Edward’s back and while he winced, he didn’t pull away.

 

“He said he loved me. He said he would never hurt me.” Edward’s eyes were unfocused. His voice was small and confused, childlike. “I said stop. I said no.”

 

Jasper wrapped an arm around Edward’s body. His grip was loose. He expected Edward to bolt at any time.

 

Instead, Edward looked up. The blank expression was gone. The only thing Jasper saw in his eyes was a pain so unfathomable, it stole his breath. “He said he loved me, but he didn’t stop. I don’t understand why he didn’t stop.”

 

He crumpled forward then, into Jasper’s arms, and sobbed.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to barburella, jessypt, and songster. And of course, jfka06.**

 

**How we doing out there, kids?**


	2. Three Years Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Freggin Supernatural. It’s got me on an angst binge. My E/B is not flowing. But, eh I think this constitutes as angst, yeah? Onward. Let’s see how Edward is doing.

**~Three and a Half Years Later~**

 

Edward was very proud of his best friend. Jasper had always been smarter than he gave himself credit for. He still called himself the dumb friend. But here he was, graduating with honors when Edward…

 

Edward swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth. He remembered sitting at his parents’ kitchen table with Jasper when they were in high school, college applications spread all around them. They talked about Ivy League colleges, and Jasper laughed at the idea he could get in. Edward could. His family was wealthy, and he was a genius.

 

Jasper told him to go, but Edward had refused. He applied for UDub and nowhere else, knowing Jasper couldn’t afford to go to school out of state. His parents were disappointed, but Edward figured they would survive. At seventeen, it hadn’t seemed like a big deal. Jasper was smart and capable. If he could make it in life without an Ivy League education, Edward was sure he would be fine. There was plenty of time to do his parents proud.

 

His parents were anything but proud now.

 

Shaking off his bitterness, Edward tried to pay attention to what the speaker was saying. He nodded in the appropriate places, agreeing that all these freshly minted graduates--that Jasper--had every opportunity in the world. This was the first day of the rest of his life.

 

He deserved it. Jasper had worked his ass off. Edward remembered so many nights, when Jasper’s friends came around wanting him to go out, he stayed in, studying.

 

When Jasper’s name was called, Edward clapped the hardest.

~0~

“Oh, Edward. This is a nice restaurant. Can’t you take this thing off?”

 

Edward flinched away as his mother tugged on his hoodie. “It’s not that nice a restaurant.” He stared down at his toes. He didn’t want to see the look on Esme’s face that accompanied her sigh. In the long list of disappointments, wearing a jacket in a nice restaurant was among the most minor, but he hated seeing it all the same. “I’ll keep the hood down.”

 

“I don’t mind, Esme,” Jasper said. He pressed his hand briefly to Edward’s back. It always had a soothing effect. “You know me. This is too fancy as it is.”

 

“What’s too fancy?” Carlisle asked, coming up beside his wife.

 

“The boys say this place is too rich for their blood.”

 

Carlisle waved his hand. “I’m sorry we couldn’t make the ceremony, Jasper. We’re proud of you. This is the least we can do to show it.”

 

“Emmett’s coming, too.”

 

Edward’s back went stiff at his mother’s words. “Emmett’s coming?”

 

His father gave him a stern look. “You can get along with your brother for one evening. He’s proud of Jasper. He wants to celebrate.”

 

Edward looked from Jasper, to his parents, then back to his feet. “Yeah. It’s fine. I’m not five. I can behave.”

 

They all went into the restaurant. Edward tried to make sure he was sitting between his mother and Jasper, but when his older brother arrived, his parents moved down. Edward closed his eyes and hoped Emmett had enough sense to let his wife, Rosalie, sit beside Edward, but no such luck. He felt the wind of his brother throwing himself down with his usual gusto in the next chair.

 

“Hey, bro. Long time no see.” And that would have been fine, except, even though he knew damn well what was going to happen, even though it had not had a good outcome in three and a half years, Emmett flung his arm around Edward’s shoulders in a rough grasp.

 

Edward threw his arms out and stood. “Get the fuck off me.” The scrape of the chair across the floor and Edward’s voice were loud. People were staring. Edward’s heart pounded and his head swam.

 

He bolted.

 

By the time he got back to his car, he was trembling. He tried to get at his keys but instantly dropped them on the pavement. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He clenched his fists instead. He heard footsteps coming toward him and tensed.

 

“Edward?”

 

At the sound of Jasper’s voice, Edward gasped. He hadn’t even realized he’d stopped breathing until that second. He slumped against the car, shaking too hard to keep himself upright any longer.

 

He hated this. He hated it so much. As his terror reseeded, fury took over. He growled and drew his arm back. He slammed his fist into the side of the car. Pain shot up his arm right across his shoulders. The pain was welcome. The pain was better than the fear. He did it again and again.

 

“Whoa. Edward. Edward.” Jasper tried to get his arms around him. Edward tensed again, waiting for him to grab, to restrain. Of course Jasper didn’t. He never did.

 

Edward sat heavily on the ground of the parking lot, his back against the wheel of the car. “Fuck.” He clutched his hand to his chest. The pain was incredible. He tried to flex his fingers and regretted it.

 

“Oh, my God. Edward.”

 

At his mother’s voice Edward groaned again. He chanced a look up just as his parents got to him. They knelt, his mother beside him and his father in front of him. Edward felt claustrophobic.

 

“What did you do to yourself?” Carlisle asked, reaching for Edward’s hand.

 

“You’re messing up your dress, Mom,” Edward said, keeping his hand away from his father.

 

“I don’t care about my dress. What did you do? Why did you do this?”

 

His father was persistent and managed to take Edward’s hand. “Your hand is broken. You need to go to the hospital.”

 

“I don’t want to go to the hospital.” Edward was well aware he sounded like a five-year-old, but desperation was starting to creep up his spine again. He didn’t like hospitals. He didn’t like anything that required people touching him.

 

“If you didn’t want to go to the hospital, you shouldn’t have gotten into a fist fight with a car.” His father’s voice was sharp, angry, though he was trying to keep his cool.

 

Before Edward could argue, Jasper slipped his arm around his waist. He tugged, trying to get him to his feet. “Come on, Edward. I’ll drive you. Come on. Just get up.”

 

Sometimes, it was easier just to do what Jasper told him. He let his friend put him in the car and drive him away. Edward closed his eyes and rested his head against the cold window as adrenaline faded. “I’m sorry.” He swallowed hard. “I didn’t mean to ruin your celebration.”

 

“Ah, you didn’t ruin anything,” Jasper said. His voice was always so steady. Not like his parents, so full of horror or anger. “Except your hand. You’re not going to be able to play for a while.”

 

“That sucks.”

 

“Yeah.” He was silent for a few minutes before he spoke again. “You should tell them, Edward. They would understand.”

 

Edward’s stomach twisted. “Don’t. Just don’t.”

 

“Fine. Okay. I won’t. But what are you going to tell them?”

 

Edward sighed. “I have no idea.”

~0~

Edward didn’t know what excuse Jasper gave. He was a charismatic asshole, and he’d always been able to sweet talk them both out of trouble when they were younger. Somehow, he managed to convince Edward’s parents to sit in the waiting room. It was better because Jasper wouldn’t be concerned if Edward squeezed the hell out of his hand while the doctor examined his broken bones. Jasper knew the right things to say to keep Edward in the present when they had to be set.

 

But some time later, when Edward’s hand was casted and he was groggy with pain meds, they walked out into the waiting room to find Carlisle and Esme still there. Edward let his friend repeat everything the doctor had said. He kept his head down.

 

“We’ll meet you back at your place,” Carlisle said in a voice that brooked no room for argument.

 

Edward and Jasper shared an apartment near campus. They’d lived there since just after their Freshman year - the only year of college Edward had managed to complete. Jasper drove them home in silence. Carlisle and Esme pulled up right behind them.

 

When they were all inside, Esme set a few envelopes on the coffee table. She smiled at Jasper. “From Emmett and us. We are so very proud of you, Jasper.”

 

If Edward could have, he would have melted right through the floor. His gut twisted with guilt. This night was supposed to be about Jasper, and he’d made it about him. He was a horrible friend.

 

“Edward,” Carlisle said after Jasper had a chance to thank them. “Edward, look at me.”

 

Edward considered telling his father to fuck off. He hated the tone he was using, like he was a naughty child. He huffed out a breath and raised his head. There it was. The look of disappointment and worry on his parents’ faces made his stomach lurch. He swallowed hard, glad he hadn’t had anything to eat, though he was sorry no one else had either.

 

Carlisle leaned forward. “I want you to be honest with me.”

 

“About what?”

 

His father tilted his head, looking back at him with an incredulous stare. “Everything. What is going on with you? And I don’t want anymore excuses. Tell me the truth. Are you on drugs?”

 

“What? No.”

 

“Well, then explain this to me. Not just tonight, all of it.” He shook his head. “We should be celebrating both your graduations, Edward. How did this happen? You’re capable of anything, and look what you’ve become. You get by on what we give you and a few children’s music lessons which, by the way, you won’t be able to do very well with your hand in a cast like that.”

 

“I can do it. It’s the kids playing, not me.”

 

“That isn’t the point.”

 

“I think what your father’s trying to say is… we’re frustrated.” Esme’s voice trembled as she spoke, and Edward hated it. “We want you to be happy. You know we would support you no matter what you wanted to do with your life, but you’re doing nothing. And then these fits of complete irrationality. What are we to think? I don’t even know what your brother did to make you lash out like that.”

 

“He didn’t…. He’s just abrasive. I don’t like it. He knows I don’t like it.”

 

“He was trying to be friendly. I don’t get it, Edward. Emmett has always been that way. He used to be your best friend, well, aside from Jasper, of course.” She spared a small smile for Jasper. “When did you decide you couldn’t stand him? It hurts him a lot. He has no idea what he did. If you’d tell us-”

 

“He didn’t do anything.” Edward stood and began to pace. “Look. Whatever, I get it. I’m a fuck up and a disappointment. Do you really need an explanation besides that? Some people just suck, and I’m one of them. I’m sorry I’m your kid, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles. I know you want to help me, but you can’t. There’s nothing you can do.”

 

Carlisle stood up and got in the way of his pacing. He took him by the shoulders. Edward jerked away, but his father’s touch had always been gentle, and when he spoke, there was no anger in his tone. “Edward. Look at me. Just look at me.”

 

It took every ounce of will he had, but Edward raised his head again.

 

“Do you want your life to be like this?” his father asked.

 

Edward stumbled a step backward and sat down on the couch. “No.” His voice was raw. “No, I don’t.” He shoved the fist of his good hand in his eyes, hiding tears.

 

The couch dipped as his father sat beside him and then again with his mother’s weight. They rubbed his back like they had when he was a tiny boy. Edward wanted to sob. The ever-present weight on his chest made it difficult to breathe on the best day. The vice grip around his heart squeezed mercilessly.

 

Carlisle sighed. “I think… Sometimes, when something goes wrong and then another thing goes wrong, it’s a domino effect. I think in the moment it’s hard to see. I think dominoes get knocked over one by one, and by the time you realize what’s going on, it’s too late to stop it. When something is so overwhelmingly big, you don’t know where to start to fix it.”

 

Edward’s shoulders shook. He was lightheaded. Could his father know? How? How could he know?

 

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, son.”

 

All the air left Edward in a rush. Relief flooded over him.

 

“I want to help you, though. I want to do something I told you I’d never do.”

 

Edward twisted his head to look at Carlisle. “What are you talking about?”

 

“I want you to come work for me.”

 

At first, Edward was sure he hadn’t heard right. His family owned a very successful business. Edward had a trust fund which he had not been given access to as of yet, though his parents did pay most of his bills. Edward had thought more than once they would have cut him off except that would have left Jasper in the lurch. As Jasper’s graduation grew closer, Edward had resigned himself to the idea they would cut him off as soon as his friend found a job that would allow him to get his own place.

 

The one thing Carlisle had told both his boys repeatedly was that he would never give them what they hadn’t earned. If they wanted to work at Cullen Corp, they would have to apply like anyone else. They would have to have the right credentials, and Cullen Corp was known for only hiring the best of the best. To get a position in the family business, Edward would have to have had years of experience working for someone else.

 

“You’re giving me a job?”

 

“It’s nothing special. A clerk position. Bottom floor. You only need a high school diploma, and you have that.”

 

“Why would you do that?”

 

“Because I think you’ve lost your purpose. A job can be something that makes you get up every morning. It may not be what you want, but it gives you something to accomplish every day. And when you get a steady paycheck you’ve earned, I’m hoping you’ll find pride in that. I’m hoping it will help you step forward out of this hole you’re in. I want to lend you a purpose until you find one of your own.”

 

Esme squeezed his knee. “This is a good thing, honey.”

 

“I know, Mom.” Edward looked at his father. “Are you sure?”

 

“No. I’m absolutely not sure. You’ve grown so erratic, Edward, I’m not sure about this at all. This is my company. This is my reputation on the line. But you’re worth more to me than all that, so if it helps, I’m willing to try.” His lips quirked in a small but teasing smile. “You’ve always been a conscientious boy. Whatever is going on with you, I don’t think you’ve lost that, so I’m counting on that to keep you doing your job. Because it’s me, and I don’t think you want to hurt me.”

 

“I don’t. I really don’t.”

 

“Then you’ll take the position?”

 

Edward thought of the Cullen building. Five stories worth of people. The mere idea made him nervous and tired. He preferred home. He preferred solitude, except for Jasper, of course. But then he thought of how many times he’d seen disappointment and defeat in his parents’ eyes. He thought about how he’d ruined Jasper’s night. He repeated Carlisle’s words in his head and wondered if it could get better.

 

He was useless, and he was sick of being useless.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, okay, I will,” Edward said before he could talk himself out of it. He raised his hand and looked his father in the eyes. “I’ll do it.”

 

He saw hope flit across Carlisle’s features, but his father’s look remained serious. They shook. “This counts as your word, even if it is your left hand,” Carlisle said.

 

Tired as he was, Edward’s lips curled up. “Yeah. I know, Dad.”

 

“Good. Good, this is good. You’ll have to go through the same thing as everyone else. Background check. References. All of it.”

 

Edward raised an eyebrow. “Drug test?”

 

“It is standard procedure.”

 

“I’m really not on drugs.”

 

“Well, then you have nothing to worry about.”

 

Edward let out a long, slow breath. He nodded. “Okay.”

  
It had been a long time since he’d made his parents smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So many thanks to barburella, jessypt, and songster.
> 
> Our boy isn’t faring so well. Send him hugs, yeah?


	3. Pike's Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hugs for everyone. *holds your hand*

The six weeks it took for Edward’s hand to heal went by like nothing. Before Jasper knew it, Edward’s first day on the job came. “You have my number. You can call any time, okay? My shift doesn’t start until after noon, but that means I won’t be back until around eight.”

 

Edward threw him an exasperated look. “I’m not five, Jasper. This is not the first day of kindergarten.”

 

“Well, I packed your lunch anyway, you snot-nosed prick. And I’ll bring us home some bibimbap for dinner.” He looked Edward in the eyes. “Seriously, man. Are you going to be okay?”

 

Edward’s scowl deepened. “I’m fine. Christ. It’s just a job. I’m twenty-two years old. I should be able to handle a job.”

 

“Well, just call me if you need to.”

 

“You already said that.” Edward shook his head. “Good luck with the job search. It’s pretty stupid, isn’t it? My dad hands me a good job, and you, who graduated from college, can’t find anything in your field.”

 

“Eh. I’ll find something. Just takes some time, that’s all.”

 

“Well, good luck.”

 

“Same to you.”

 

When Edward was gone, Jasper settled down with his laptop to search for a job. There was a lot he could do with a Bachelor’s in history, but there was no such thing as walking into a job. He still had the same job he’d had throughout college. He worked at Pike’s Place Market, peddling flavored pasta to the masses. It wasn’t going to pay off his student loans, but it kept his half of the roof over his head. Plus he had all the chocolate linguine he could eat. There were pluses.

 

Job searching and resume sending only took up so much time each week. It took Jasper another hour to realize why he felt so unsettled. He’d gotten used to Edward’s constant presence. Since Edward wasn’t there to see it, Jasper allowed himself the space to fret.

 

These last four years had been a long, twisted road. Jasper was worried, but he was also relieved and hopeful. Hope was a hell of a thing after everything he’d been through with Edward. He had the same hope Carlisle did, that this job would let Edward take a step forward. There had been too many steps back and too much standing still; Edward deserved to step forward again.

 

The more Jasper looked back, the more he cursed himself for letting things get this bad for Edward. In his heart of hearts he knew he’d done the best he could, but in hindsight, he could have done better.

 

For a month after Edward was raped by a man who was supposed to love him, he did his best to pretend everything was fine. He woke up the morning after in Jasper’s arms, and there was something different about his eyes. They were duller. He rolled away from Jasper and sat up. The hand marks were vivid on his back.

 

Jasper had tried again to get him to call the police, file a report. Edward had yelled at him that there was nothing to say. Jasper’s fear then had been that Edward would go back to Aro. He didn’t. In fact, he did his best to forget Aro existed. He changed his phone number. He avoided all the places he knew Aro frequented.

 

For a while, it worked. Then, Aro decided he was done playing Edward’s game. There were notes on Edward and Jasper’s door. They were kind at first. Edward was young and foolish. Aro had given him space, and he knew Edward wasn’t seeing anyone else. Didn’t he remember all the good times? How well Aro treated him?

 

It didn’t take long for the notes to become belligerent. Aro called Edward a child and a tease. He accused him of fucking around. He accused him of letting Jasper fill his head with lies. And then the notes became sinister. Edward was his. His, and Aro was going to claim him.

 

“These are threats, Edward. We need to go to the police or at least campus security.”

 

Edward shook his head vehemently. “No. He’s just…”

 

“He’s just being a psychotic asshole.”

 

“It was my fault.”

 

Jasper stared. “What? How can you think that?”

 

“Because it was. He’s right. I led him on. I… I wanted to be with him, but I kept getting scared. He just wanted to show me. He wanted to show me it would be okay. And then I overreacted. We both did. Of course he’s angry.”

 

“Edward-”

 

“Just leave it alone. Leave me alone. It’s fine. He’ll get the hint. It’s fine.”

 

But then Aro had started showing up outside Edward’s classes.

 

“He just wants to talk to me,” Edward said when he told Jasper about it. “He tried. I’m just being childish. I turned around and went back the other direction.”

 

“Christ, Edward. Listen to yourself. You shouldn’t have to feel afraid.”

 

“I don’t.” The sallow pallor of Edward’s skin told a different story. “Why would I be afraid?”

 

“Because he fucking raped you.”

 

Edward flinched. “He didn’t. Stop saying that.”

 

“There were bruises all over your back.”

 

“Stop. The weren’t bad. They weren’t anything. It happens.”

 

“You said no. You told me you said no.”

 

“Stop. Stop. Stop!”

 

Jasper could see Edward was about to get pissed. He’d bolted more than once before when Jasper had tried have this conversation with him. Jasper held his hands up in a placating motion. He took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. He wasn’t helping Edward this way. “Okay. Okay, fine. You’re right. I’m overreacting.” The words tasted foul in his mouth. “Why don’t you let me talk to him?” Jasper had a few choice words for the man. Most of them he would use his knuckles to deliver.

 

“He hates you.”

 

“I don’t give a damn. The feeling is mutual. One way or another, he needs to stay away from you.”

 

As usual, his argument with Edward got him nowhere. At his wit’s end, Jasper arranged to get out of his own classes early so he could be there when Edward got out of class. He didn’t let Edward see. He watched from a distance, his heart aching when he saw the way Edward moved through the crowds. Once, his best friend had always stood up straight and proud when he walked. Now, his shoulders were hunched. He wore a hoodie all the time. He cringed away when people got too close. He kept his head down.

 

Couldn’t he see the changes in himself?

 

It was only two days before Aro caught Edward. Jasper was across the quad when it started. He saw Aro begin to gesticulate and then, when Edward turned and tried to walk away, he grabbed him. Jasper ran.

 

“What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this, Edward?” Aro held him tight by the wrist.

 

“Get off. Let me go.” The look on Edward’s face was the picture of desperation as he tugged, trying to free himself from Aro’s hold. His voice was breathy, panicked. Jasper knew Edward could fight. Their parents had signed them up for self-defense courses when they were in high school. But it was clear from the look on his face the only thought in his head was the absolute need to get away from Aro. “Please. Please.”

 

“Stop it. Just stop it. You’re making a scene.”

 

People were staring. “Look. Faggot theater,” someone said, but Jasper didn’t have time to stop and see who it was. He had finally reached them.

 

“Hey. Get your fucking filthy hands off him.” He shoved Aro backward, away from Edward.

 

Aro narrowed his eyes and clenched his fist though he didn’t move forward. “You. Of course, I should have known you were behind this fine display of maturity.” He looked to Edward. “You owe me a civilized explanation.”

 

Jasper spread his arms out, coming between Aro and Edward when the older man took a step toward them. “You have got to be the most delusional asshole I’ve ever met.”

 

“Stay out of this.”

 

“Like hell.” Jasper was well aware people were inching closer, trying to hear what was going on. He was also aware Edward was clutching the back of his jacket. His breaths were erratic.

 

“Jasper, don’t,” Edward whispered. “Let’s go. Let’s just go.”

 

He was afraid Jasper was going to make the same accusations in front of all these people. Jasper swallowed down bile and hatred so pure it frightened him. Edward was much more important than his need to put his fist through Aro Scarpinato’s teeth. He turned around. “Come on, then. Let’s go.”

 

The nearest escape was the science building, so Jasper headed there. The halls were almost empty, which was good. Edward looked like he was going to faint or throw up. He was beginning to shake. Hard. When he stumbled, Jasper took his arm. “Whoa now. Come on.” He managed to get him down an abandoned hallway before Edward’s legs gave out. He guided his friend down on the ground, helping him into a sitting position. “Just breathe, Edward.”

 

“You should find him a paper bag to breathe into. He’s driven himself into hysterics.”

 

Jasper swung around, furious and incredulous to find Aro had followed them. As they had no audience now, he grabbed the man by his jacket and shoved him hard against the wall. “What the fuck is a matter with you?” He raised his fist, but Aro’s wide grin stopped him.

 

“Do it. Please. It would make my day. I would have your ass in jail so quick, your head would spin.”

 

Looking in his eyes, Jasper knew he wasn’t bluffing. Besides being an asshole, Aro was very rich. His lawyers would have a field day.

 

“Jasper.” Edward’s voice was thin, a plea. “Aro… Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”

 

“Don’t you fucking apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Jasper shoved Aro again, letting him go that time because if he didn’t, he was definitely going to punch him. “You’re a scumbag and a rapist. You have no fucking right to look at him, let alone talk to him.”

 

Aro tilted his head. He had the gall to look amused. “Is that what’s going on? I knew this prick had told you something, but this, Edward? Is that what you really think? All the time we spent together. Did I imagine the way you begged me to blow you? All those orgasms I gave you. You’re telling me now you believe that was rape?”

 

“No,” Edward whispered. He stared at the floor. “I didn’t… I didn’t say that.”

 

“You see?” He shook his head and looked back to Jasper. “It kills you, doesn’t it, that he wanted me and not you. You had to get in his head. Well get this into your head. What happens between two adults in the bedroom, two lovers, is none of your business. I was good to him. So good. He knows it. And Edward, you always were a weak-minded little twit. I have no idea why I’m wasting my time on you.” He took a step to the side away from Jasper to look down at Edward. “This is done. We’re done. Don’t even begin to think you can come crawling back.”

 

He finally left, his spendy shoes clacking on the floor while Edward shattered into a million pieces right in front of Jasper’s eyes.

 

Jasper leaned forward on the table as he tried to shake off the oppressive memory. After that day, Edward started to withdraw. Since Aro made good on his promise that he was done with Edward, Jasper thought he just needed time. He could be coaxed to go to class at first. With Jasper’s considerable help, he passed all his classes.

 

Things went from bad to worse. Because Edward would snap at anyone who tried to talk to him, their friends thought he was an asshole. It wasn’t long before they stopped calling, e-mailing, or showing up. Jasper was still invited out, but he hated leaving Edward alone. When Edward was alone, Jasper came home to find him curled up on the floor - he’d stopped sleeping in his bed after that night with Aro - staring at nothing with a blank look on his face.

 

They went home for summer break and Edward stayed in his room. That was when things started to get bad between him and Emmett. The elder Cullen brother was the epitome of all things masculine. He didn’t understand why Edward suddenly got upset when he tried to get physical. A play fight Emmett initiated quickly became a real fight when Edward lashed out at his brother in what only Jasper could recognize as a mixture of fear and anger.

 

At the end of that summer, Edward told Jasper he didn’t want to go back to school. He had some excuse, but Jasper kept at him until he figured out the truth. There were just too many people in the dorms. The way people wandered in and out freely was too much.

 

So Jasper charmed both sets of parents into helping them get an apartment off campus. It helped for a while until it didn’t. Edward started to fail all his classes until he dropped out entirely.

 

Of course Jasper begged him again and again to get help. See someone. Talk to someone. Time after time, Edward refused. He insisted he was just an asshole, a fuck up. “I just need to get off my ass,” he said. ”Don’t make excuses for me.”

 

He believed it, so everyone else in his life did too.

 

Little by little, as Edward withdrew, Jasper made excuses to stay with him. He turned down invitations from his friends. He told Edward he had to study, and Edward never called him on his bullshit, not even when the semester had just begun. Bit by bit, Jasper faded right alongside Edward.

 

It was just as well in so many ways. Even after all these years, Jasper was still buried deep in the closet. It was better when his friends stopped trying to foist girls on him. It was a relief not to have to deal with all that.

 

Jasper noticed the time and sighed. Work. He checked his phone one more time for a message from Edward before he got into his uniform and headed out the door.

 

He made his way downtown. Traffic was light so he got there in time to have coffee in one of the market’s little hideaways. He indulged in a french vanilla cappuccino and tucked himself up against the window to people watch while he debated whether or not to text Edward.

 

There was a clatter and a plate landed in front of him. Jasper jumped and looked up to find Peter Damon grinning down at him. “Good morning, sunshine.”

 

“It’s not morning, Peter.”

 

Peter sat in the chair opposite him. “It’s morning somewhere, and I made you breakfast. I figured you hadn’t eaten. You never eat.”

 

Jasper poked at the massive burrito in front of him. “What is it?”

 

“It’s all things amazing about breakfast. What the fuck, Jasper? The correct response is thank you, you ingrate.”

 

“I’ve visited your stand, Peter. I don’t know how to define some of the stuff you sell. Thank you for the thought, but what’s in it?”

 

Peter made a face. “Bacon, eggs, green chili-” he cut off laughing because Jasper had grabbed up the burrito and taken a big bite.

 

“You had me at bacon,” Jasper said around a mouthful of food.

 

“Ugh. So attractive, Jasper. Let me tell you.”

 

Jasper swallowed. “This is fucking delicious. Thanks, man.”

 

“My pleasure.” Peter reached over and swiped Jasper’s drink. He took a long pull. “Mmm. This is not coffee.”

 

“It’s coffee-ish.”

 

“It’s mine.” Peter stood. “Thanks, sucker.”

 

Jasper shook his head. “There goes your weekly allotment of chocolate linguine, Damon.”

 

Peter turned around, walking backward as he brandished Jasper’s stolen drink. “See that? We’ve known each other for what? Almost a year now? Eff the chocolate linguine. It’s all about the sun-dried tomato penne.”

 

Jasper chuckled. He got up and ordered another drink before he made his way to his booth to start his shift.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburella, jfka06, jessypt, and songster.
> 
> How are we feeling now?


	4. Bella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, lovelies. Let’s check in with Edward.

Work was exhausting.

 

The actual job he did wasn’t challenging in the slightest. Carlisle wasn’t kidding when he said it was nothing special. Edward filed and typed and entered data. Under other circumstances, Edward might have enjoyed it. The repetition could be oddly soothing. His mind was often a hectic place. The monotonous tasks took just enough concentration he found the pace calming.

 

The problem was the environment.

 

His father’s business was far from restrictive. It was great in some ways. Edward could wear his jeans and hoodie for one. But the atmosphere was very friendly. They all knew damn well who he was. He understood office politics. A lot of them talked about him behind his back, but they all wanted to rub elbows.

 

Edward knew they were harmless. Many of them were genuinely friendly. Any time they stopped to talk or hovered, Edward’s body tensed. It took all his concentration to keep up a conversation, and heaven help him if anyone tried to move past the inane prattle of small talk. Edward Cullen. Carlisle Cullen’s twitchy, awkward, spaced-out son.

 

Every time he heard footsteps coming closer to his cubicle, Edward held his breath until they either approached or moved on. Every single time.

 

It was finally Friday. Edward had his head down all morning, attempting to organize files that dated back to when computers weren’t used for everything. The next step in the process would be to scan and digitize all the old data for safe keeping. He had his headphones in, and he nodded his head along to the music, mouthing the words on occasion.

 

Someone yanked his earbud out of his ear, and Edward jerked hard enough his body slammed into the desk.

 

“Whoa, Edward. Take it easy.”

 

Edward gulped several times trying to calm the too-quick beat of his heart. “H-hey, Mike.”

 

Mike Newton laughed. “Sorry, man. You were in the zone, huh?”

 

“Yeah. Sure. I just didn’t hear you.” Edward flexed his hands in fists at his sides as he tried to keep himself from fidgeting. “What’s up?”

 

“They cater in lunch on Fridays. Well, I guess you probably know that. It’s your dad who does it, right?”

 

Edward looked down at his desk. “I didn’t know that, actually.”

 

“Ah, well. There’s food in the break room, dude. Come on over.”

 

“Yeah, uh…” Edward cleared his throat, trying to find some volume. “I’ll be there in a second.”

 

Mike grinned, nodded, and headed off in the direction of the food. As soon as he was gone, Edward rested his head on his desk, taking deep breaths as his heart rate returned to normal.

 

Every time. Every damn time.

 

Edward didn’t remember when talking to people had gotten this difficult. When had he started noticing how weird and intrusive people were? Like Mike. Why the heck did he have to yank on Edward’s earbud? Or the parents of his handful of piano students. He preferred the ones who waited in the car for their kid to come out. He hated when they came inside. They always leaned in so they could speak to him without their kid overhearing, like they were worried he was going to tell them how much their kids sucked at music.

 

He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. Lunch with his coworkers. It wasn’t anything formal -- just a meal in the break room. That was mundane. It was pathetic to be nervous over a meal in the break room.

 

Resolved, Edward stood.

 

It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t the worst thing he’d been through by a long shot. Edward was almost used to the claustrophobic feeling that was inevitable when there were so many people around him. It wasn’t much different than attending Jasper’s graduation. Then, he’d been in a loose crowd, but no one was paying attention to him. Now, since most his coworkers already knew each other, they gravitated into little cliques, not paying him any mind except for a friendly smile or nod. When someone tried to engage him, he got by on vague words of acknowledgement until someone else drew their attention.

 

In his natural progression of shuffling away when someone drew closer, Edward ended up by the counter where the sodas were stacked. He didn’t notice until Mike came at him from the side. “Excuse me, man,” Mike said. He placed his hand on Edward’s shoulder to steady himself as he leaned past him to grab a can. Edward went stock-still.

 

Every once in a while, Edward’s memories didn’t so much drift through his thoughts as they took them hostage. Mike’s touch was like a physical jolt pushing him backward in time.

 

He was lying on his side in bed. His body hurt. Aro was there. He knew he wanted Aro to leave. It was more an emotion than a thought. It was a need, like thirst or gnawing hunger. He was facing the wall, unable to make himself move a muscle. His thoughts were thick. The bed dipped, and Edward closed his eyes. The word no screamed in his head when Aro pressed his hand against his back, stroking his bare skin.

 

“I have to go now, but that was great. You were wonderful, Edward. See? Nothing to be afraid of.” He kissed a trail long Edward’s cheek. “We’ll do it again soon, my boy. I need you. I want  you.”

 

Edward sucked in a breath in the present as the memory released him.

 

“Hey, are you okay? You look a little green.”

 

It took Edward’s muddled brain a few seconds to figure out where he was and who was speaking. Mike. Mike was looking at him with concern. Edward’s eyes darted around. Too many people. There were too many people.

 

“I, um… It just hit me the wrong way.” His voice was thin and thready as his pulse. He wanted to be out of there. “I’m just…” He shook his head as though he could dislodge the brick that had taken the place of his brain. Without another word, he turned around and walked out of the break room.

 

Back on the main floor, Edward found he was jumpy. People milled all around, and any time one of them so much as looked in his direction, he winced. What he wanted, what he needed was to be alone in a quiet place. He tried to go to the restroom, but as he put his hand on the door, it came open as someone else came out. Edward did a one eighty and stumbled in the opposite direction. He scrambled for a place he could go. He just needed a few minutes to collect himself, that was all. Then he would be fine again. As fine as he ever was.

 

Supply closet.

 

Edward glanced over his shoulder before he shut himself into the supply closet. He pressed his back into the furthest corner and huddled between boxes of Christmas and Halloween decorations. He drew his knees up to his chest and rocked.

 

He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. This wasn’t like when Emmett tried to rough house.  It was a relief to have his cast off since it helped to wring and rub his hands together.

 

As his anxiety ebbed, self-loathing set in. “Christ,” he muttered as he stilled. It was lunch. Lunch in a common room. First grade children had lunch with their peers every school day. It wasn’t a difficult thing. Disappearing into the supply closet, which had seemed the most obvious thing to do not five minutes before, now seemed crazy and pathetic. What in the ever loving hell was wrong with him?

 

Of course he knew where his problems began, but it was stupid. So he went through a bad break-up. Everybody went through bad break-ups; they didn’t turn into complete freaks.

 

Edward jumped when the door opened. He blinked in the bright light and held his breath as a petite brunette woman he’d seen around the office stepped into the closet. She didn’t see him right off, but when she did, she jumped.

 

“Holy crow!” She put a hand to her chest. “Jeez, you scared me.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Surprise was replaced by perplexity as she looked over  him. Her eyes were gentle, kind. They reminded him a lot of Jasper - brown and calm. “What are you doing just sitting in here?”

 

“Um.” Edward cast his gaze around. He realized belatedly he’d had a sandwich - still wrapped - in his hand when he’d rushed from the break room. He pointed to where it sat on a box. “Lunch. I was having lunch.”

 

“In the dark?”

 

There was something so easy about the way she spoke. Edward didn’t feel defensive. In fact, his lips quirked up in a tired smile. “Maybe I was thinking of a nap.”

 

“I do that at lunch sometimes, though I have to admit I go out to my car.”

 

“Yeah. That probably makes much more sense. I just needed the nearest quiet space, that’s all.”

 

She hummed. “I’m Bella, by the way. Bella Swan. You’re Mr. Cullen’s son, aren’t you?”

 

Edward was grateful that she didn’t offer her hand to shake, instead remaining by the door. “Yeah. I’m Edward.”

 

“Well. I have an office, Edward. You want to have a quiet lunch in there?”

 

Edward almost said no right off the bat but he reconsidered. It would probably be awkward and weird if he didn’t come out of the closet after being caught. This woman didn’t make him nervous, and hiding in her office was better than being in his cubicle out in the open for a while. “Okay,” he said.

 

He climbed to his feet and followed her out of the closet.

**~0~**

When Edward got home, he was tired. Some days were worse than others. Some days his exhaustion went to the marrow of his bones and made his body ache. When he got to this point, every inch of his skin may as well have weighed a hundred pounds.

 

Walking in the apartment, he heard Jasper’s voice and felt a modicrum of comfort. Jasper was such a good friend. Edward trudged in the direction of his voice and found him in the living room.

 

“Uh huh. Yeah. Eight o’clock?” Jasper looked up and his relaxed expression fell into a frown. His eyes swept over Edward. “You know what, Peter? I’m going to need to take a rain check on that. Yeah. Something came up. Tell everyone ‘hey’ okay? Yeah.” He disconnected the call.

 

“What was that about?” Edward asked. “Were you going somewhere?”

 

“Nope.” Jasper stood and walked over to him. “How was work?”

 

Edward tilted his head. “Jasper. If you want to go out-”

 

“I don’t want to go out. I was going to blow them off anyway. The movie they were going to see sounds completely stupid.” He put a hand to Edward’s neck, rubbing his thumb over the short hairs there. “What happened at work?”

 

“How do you know something happened at work?”

 

“Come on. I can tell when you’re tense.”

 

Edward grumbled. “Nothing happened. Not really. I was just an idiot.”

 

“Come on.” Jasper circled his wrist in a loose hold, and led him to the couch. Edward shrugged out of his hoodie and sat beside him. “Talk to me,” Jasper said as he began to work his fingers along Edward’s shoulders.

 

These moments were the highlight of Edward’s week. He relaxed, his back pressing against Jasper’s chest, and he related what had happened with Mike.

 

“You needed a minute,” Jasper said instead of berating him. “There’s nothing stupid about that.”

 

“Yeah. Whatever.”

 

Jasper pulled Edward’s arm out so he could massage the kinks out of his wrist. “So Bella Swan.”

 

“She’s nice.”

 

Jasper was quiet for minutes as he worked. “That’s good, Edward. That’s really good.”

 

Edward didn’t answer. Bella was the first stranger he’d had a conversation with in a long time. He knew it. Jasper knew it. The bitter taste was back. It shouldn’t be a big deal to have a conversation with a nice person.

 

“Hey.” Jasper twined their fingers together and squeezed. “Stop being so hard on yourself. You did good this week.”

 

Edward tilted his head back to rest against Jasper’s shoulder. “Yeah. Whatever,” he said again, but his tension had melted away. He knew from experience it was a temporary fix, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy it while it lasted.

~ **0** ~

A month passed. Most people had figured out Edward wasn’t good at conversation. Bella was an exception. She was patient with the way he lost his train of thought. She picked up on a lot of his silent cues, lapsing into easy silence when he didn’t want to talk. He understood what made her good at her job. She was perceptive, and it worked well with his stupid idiosyncrasies.

 

One day, after he’d told her a funny story about his father - her boss - she grinned at him. “You know what, Edward? I like you.”

 

Edward’s stomach twisted. He wrung his hands.

 

“Edward, did I-”

 

“I’m gay.”

 

She blinked at him. Edward looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry. That was… that was probably against something in one of those stupid videos I had to watch. I just… I like you, too. And I don’t want you to think… about that.”

 

His palms were getting damp. That made him nervous. The idea of anyone looking at him and thinking of that made him nervous. Even her. His pulse was thready.

 

“Edward.” The word was soft. “It’s fine. I mean, I figured.”

 

He chanced a glance up. “You figured?”

 

“Isn’t Jasper your boyfriend?”

 

Edward straightened up. “Jasper? No. No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “He’s my best friend.”

 

“You just talk about him all the time. Like he’s with you every night.”

 

“He is. But he’s not… We don’t…He doesn’t swing my way. He’s my roommate. That’s why he’s always there.”

 

“Wait, wait, wait. So Jasper… Jasper who loves history and Master Chef and Design Stars.” She tilted her head. “Are you sure he doesn’t swing your way?”

 

“Stereotype much? I hate Design Stars. And design shows.”

 

“Joking.” She smiled. “So, hey. All this time, I’ve been thinking it’s too bad this guy isn’t straight and available, but if he is…”

 

Edward quirked an eyebrow. “If he is what?”

 

“Tell me if I’m overstepping boundaries here, okay? You’re not going to insult me. But I like you, and you like me. I think that makes us friends, right?”

 

He pursed his lips. “Yeah. Right.”

 

“Well, your best friend always reminded me of my best friend. They sound like a matched pair.”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“We could set them up. Not like blind date. We could have a friend date. We could hang out. Have fun. See what sparks.”

 

Edward’s thoughts swam. He felt lightheaded. His lungs threatened to close off. It was more than just the idea of where Bella planned to hang out - what would that involve, how many people. It was the idea of Jasper being with someone. It made him anxious. It made him…

 

It struck him then.

 

Why hadn’t Jasper been with anyone in all these years?

 

Why had Edward never noticed? It was the norm for Jasper to be home. It hadn’t always been the case. Edward remembered he went out with his other friends, with Edward and…

 

Before. Before, Jasper had a life. He deserved a life.

 

“Edward, it’s okay if you don’t-”

 

“No. No, it’s fine. It’s a good idea. A great idea. Why not, right? If she’s your best friend, she’s got to be something special.”

 

“She really is.”

  
Edward looked down at his lap. He swallowed hard. He could do this for Jasper. Jasper had done so much for him. “Yeah. That would be great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Friend date! Who’s in?
> 
> Thanks to jessypt, songster, and barburella.
> 
> How are we feeling, kids?


	5. I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Friend date? Let’s do it.

“Oh, oh, oh. Charlotte. Hold me back. It’s too much.” Peter threw his arms out wide and his coworker laughed as she caught him. “Christ, Jasper. What are you trying to do to me? You can’t just show up here in a business suit.”

 

Jasper chuckled. “Believe me, I wish I had time to change.”

 

“Interview?”

 

“Yeah. Media job. Not bad.”

 

“Well. You look good, man. Need some sustenance?”

 

“Yeah, sure.” Jasper looked over the entrees of the day. “Um. I guess that looks vaguely edible.” He gestured at the mess of sauce covered something.

 

“Good choice.” Peter moved to get his order together. “So got plans this weekend?”

 

“Apparently.” Jasper frowned, remembering his conversation with Edward the night before.

 

“What’s that mean?”

 

“Ah. My roommate set us up on some kind of double date.”

 

Peter’s step faltered. He cleared his throat. “Date?”

 

“Not that kind of date. Friend date, I guess. He’s getting on well with this girl at work. Bella. She sounds sweet. I want to meet her. Her best friend wants to meet him. So you know.” He shrugged. “It works out, I guess.”

 

“Friend date.” Peter chuckled, and Jasper noticed he put a few of what might have been some kind of egg roll in his box. “Most people just say they’re going to hang out.”

 

“Eh. Where’s the fun in that?”

 

Peter rested the food on the counter and tapped the register. “Well, I bet you won’t bail on him.”

 

He was joking, but there was a note of hurt to his voice. Jasper winced. He’d canceled on Peter several times just in the last two weeks. Really, Jasper should have known better than to make plans with Peter the first few weeks Edward was at a new job. Of course he was going to be stressed. “Do I really bail on us hanging out a lot?”

 

Peter raised an eyebrow and his lips turned up. “No, no. You don’t bail on me a lot. You bail on me all the time, and always for Edward.”

 

Jasper frowned. “Yeah. I know. I’m a shitty friend.”

 

“You’re still maintaining you and your roommate are just friends, right?”

 

“We are just friends.”

 

“Then by definition, I think you’re probably a great friend.” Peter handed him his change. “You’re just a monogamous friend, that’s all. Limited concentration.”

 

Jasper lingered. He put the bills Peter had handed him back in his wallet slower than he needed. “Edward isn’t… good at making friends. It’s a big thing.”

 

Peter nodded. He busied himself wiping down the counters. “Your roommate’s lucky to have you looking out for him.”

 

“Yeah.” Jasper shifted his weight. “I better take off. I gotta get out of this monkey suit before my shift starts.”

 

Peter whistled. “Come on, now. How is that fair? Putting that image in my head.” He winked. “I can help you out of those clothes if you want. I can make it very quick.”

 

Jasper felt a twinge low in his gut, a stirring he’d long ago learned to push away. Of course, with Peter there, his blue eyes flashing with unveiled lust, it was more difficult than usual. Jasper’s throat went dry. Peter was a very good looking man, and he was unapologetic in his attraction toward Jasper. He read the lines Jasper drew, and he didn’t cross them. He did a merry little jig right along them, but he stayed on his side.

 

“Go on, then,” Peter said after Jasper tried and failed to find the right words. “You’ll be late.”

 

“Yeah. See you later. Thanks.”

**~0~**

Jasper figured what was going on not long after Bella and Alice showed up at their apartment. It was a blind date disguised as a casual hang out. Bella and Edward weren’t very subtle with the hints they dropped.

 

“Bella told me you come from Biloxi, Mississippi,” Edward said to Alice. “Jasper used to talk about us taking a road trip throughout all the area. He’s a big Civil War buff.”

 

Later, Bella elbowed Alice in the side. “Tell them about how you stayed home from work one day to marathon episodes of Hell’s Kitchen.”

 

Given all that, it wasn’t even remotely surprising when Bella developed a strong craving for 7-11’s cinnamon rolls for dessert. There was a 7-11 within walking distance of the apartment. Edward volunteered to walk with her, and told Jasper and Alice there was no need for everyone to go.

 

Jasper eyed him. “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

 

Edward ducked his head and shuffled his feet, but Jasper caught the hint of annoyance. “Yeah, it’s fine. It’s not a big deal.” Still, Jasper watched Edward’s back as he and Bella disappeared out the door.

 

“Oh, man. Smooth they are not,” Alice said. She laughed. “Does he do this to you often?”

 

“You caught on, huh?”

 

“I love Bella like a sister. Even if she could lie, and she can’t, I would know it.”

 

“Well, to answer your question, no. Edward has never done this to me before.” Jasper had about a million questions for his friend. What had brought this on? What was he thinking? Mostly, he was nervous about Edward being out alone with Bella. What if someone invaded his space? How would Bella handle it if he got nervous or worse, lashed out?

 

“I’m sorry,” Alice said. “Bella isn’t typically a meddler. I’ve had a parade of loser dates for a while, and she’s trying to cheer me up. For what it’s worth, I can understand why she thought we’d be a good match.”

 

Jasper looked up and smiled. He’d thought more than once that night if he was attracted to women, Alice would be ideal. She was smart and beautiful. Their friends were right; even from the limited conversation, he could tell they had a lot in common. “So you don’t think we’re a good match?”

 

She looked up. There was a soft challenge in her eyes. “Sugar, I wish we were, but if I’m reading you right, I don’t have the right appendages.”

 

Jasper balked and stumbled back a step away from where he’d been leaning on the counter. “I, uh… what? What makes you…” He swallowed hard and tried to shake off the lightheadedness that washed over him. “Why would you think that?”

 

“You mean besides the fact you’re pretty obviously gaga for your roommate?”

 

Jasper folded his arms across his chest. His eyes cast down to his toes as he tried not to panic. It wasn’t as though she was telling him something he didn’t know, though it made him nervous she’d seen it so readily. “He’s my best friend. We’re close. That’s all. We’re not… you know.”

 

“Hey.” Alice moved from her seat and went to lean against the counter next to him. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

 

“I’m not… you didn’t…” Jasper closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m not upset.”

 

“No. That was insensitive of me. I’m sorry. I tend to say what I see, you know? But obviously, if your best friend doesn’t know…” She touched his arm. “You’re not out, are you?”

 

“I… No. No, I’m not.” The conversation was surreal. His brain was having trouble processing the fact this was happening.

 

“I’m really sorry.”

 

Jasper took another few steadying breaths before he raised his head. “I’m not ashamed. It’s not that.”

 

“Then what is it?” Her tone wasn’t accusatory at all. Her gaze was steady -- curious and compassionate.

 

“It’s complicated.”

 

She studied him again. She had a penetrating gaze, he noted. As though she could see right through him and beyond, into something he couldn’t fathom. “Okay. I get it. We’re perfect strangers.” She grinned. “I’m going to tell you the future. You and I are going to be good friends, and when we’re good friends, you’re going to tell me about what’s so complicated.”

 

Jasper’s cheek twitched. He could tell Alice’s sentiment was genuine. “I believe you.”

 

“Well, then you could just skip ahead and tell me now. I mean, that’s what’s going to happen anyway.”

 

He laughed and shook his head.

 

“Stubborn.” She sighed, but she looped her arm through his. “Well answer me this. Did you record the last Master Chef Junior?”

 

“Yeah, it’s on the DVR.”

 

Her face was the picture of delight, and she pirouetted. “Excellent.” She rolled her eyes. “I had an unfortunate episode with an asshole ex. Passive aggressive bastard. He came over to get a box of his stuff and stopped all my auto-records.”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Yeah. How lame is that?”

 

Jasper shook his head. “That’s shitty.”

 

“Ah, well. It’s better than some.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

**~0~**

Alice wasn’t like the rest of his friends. She was a persistent kind of girl. How she got away with inviting herself over without coming off as rude, Jasper didn’t understand. She ended up cuddled between Edward and Jasper on the couch watching TV a few times a week. She was good with Edward; if she thought his jerky, nervous movements were odd, she didn’t say so. More than that, it was almost as though she and Edward spoke the same language. Even when he stuttered and stumbled, she understood what he was trying to say. Their conversations were remarkably complex for sounding so one-sided.

 

Some weeks into their friendship, Alice came by Pike’s Place to visit Jasper for lunch. He was eager to introduce Alice to Peter. He thought they’d get a kick out of each other. Besides Edward, they were his favorite people, Alice having carved herself a niche surprisingly quickly.

 

“Hey, Peter.” Jasper waved to get his friend’s attention.

 

Peter looked up with a huge grin that fell quickly. He put on a strained looking smile. “Hey, Jasper. Who’s your date?”

 

Jasper was startled until he realized what he and Alice looked like. Alice’s arm was twined with his. He was used to it by then. Alice expressed herself physically, and Jasper found he didn’t mind it. In fact, it occurred to him that before Alice, long stretches of time went by without someone touching him.

 

He laughed. “Pretty crappy date. Alice is visiting me for lunch.”

 

“Ah. Okay.” Peter looked down and stirred a few of the entrees at random. “So what’ll it be?”

 

Jasper tilted his head. It was odd for Peter to be so subdued. Jasper tried several more times to engage him, but he wouldn’t take the bait.

 

“He must be distracted,” Jasper said when he and Alice sat down at one of the tables overlooking the sound. “He’s usually very charming.”

 

Alice scoffed. “I’m sure.” She raised an eyebrow. “You really don’t see it, do you?”

 

“See what?”

 

“He looks at you the way you look at Edward. He’s upset because he thinks you’re with me, and you didn’t give him enough of a reassurance we weren’t.”

 

Jasper furrowed his brow. “What?”

 

Alice whistled. “Sugar, you’re usually really good at reading people.”

 

“Well, I mean, Peter is a flirt, but that’s just… him.”

 

“That’s just a man who wants you to bite.”

 

Jasper thought back over his and Peter’s friendship through that lens, looking over their interactions and trying to see attraction where he had only read acquaintance. It was true, every once in a while Peter’s flirting did things to him, made his body react, but that was natural, wasn’t it? Peter was very attractive, and physical reactions were par for the course of being male. He grunted.

 

“Okay. We’re good friends now. This is the part where you tell me what’s going on with you. You’re so far in the closet, you’re not even picking up signals as obvious as Peter’s throwing?” She tilted her head. “Edward’s a cold fish.”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re pining for him, but he’s very closed off. He’s cold.”

 

Jasper clenched his fist. “Edward is not cold.”

 

“Whoa. Protective much? This is me. You know I like Edward. I only meant he doesn’t connect on an emotional level.” Alice tapped on the tabletop. “That would explain why you haven’t told him how you feel. He wouldn’t be receptive to it. That could even explain why you’re so oblivious to anyone else flirting with you. You’re wrapped up in him, and you don’t want anyone else. I get that. What it doesn’t explain is why you wouldn’t even tell him you’re gay. I mean, he told Bella he was gay, so it can’t be that it would make him uncomfortable, right?”

 

Jasper pushed his plate away. He ran his hand through his hair, searching for an answer. “I… I don’t know. I don’t know if it makes sense anymore.”

 

“Run it by me.”

 

“I can’t.” He met her eyes. “It’s not about how I feel about you as a friend. I would tell you if I could, but I can’t.”

 

“You think Edward would react badly if he knew you were gay?”

 

“It’s not like that. I mean, it’s not what you’re thinking.”

 

“I’m not thinking anything. I’m just putting pieces together.”

 

He looked out to the water, focusing on a boat far in the distance. “Why is this important to you?”

 

“Because you’re important to me, dim bulb.” She tilted her head. “Tell me if it’s none of my business, or if I’m pushing you somewhere you don’t want to go, but wouldn’t you like to be… free?”

 

“It…” Jasper was about to argue. He was about to say it didn’t matter. There was more to life than romance and relationships. What did he really stand to gain by admitting his sexuality? And anyway, why should he have to? It wasn’t as though straight people had to tell everyone they were straight. But he understood what she meant. He understood it far too well. He slumped. “These last few weeks, you knowing has made more of a difference than I would have expected.”

 

She reached out and took his hand, squeezing it between both of hers. “I think it would be good for you. Whatever it is that has you so attached to Edward, he can’t be your whole life.”

 

He almost told her; he wanted to. Edward’s secret was a heavy burden to bear, especially because Edward refused to acknowledge what had happened to him. It was a secret Jasper carried on his own. Of course he’d tried repeatedly to get Edward to talk about it, but he never met with success. He’d thought Edward just needed time, that he would reach a breaking point where he would need to talk, need to deal with what had happened. Days turned into weeks into months into years, and before he knew it, both their lives were unrecognizable.

 

“I don’t know,” he said to Alice, and even he wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about. There was a lot he didn’t know. “I don’t know where to start.”

 

Alice shrugged. “Peter seems like a good place. Nothing wrong with a date.”

 

“A date.” Jasper laughed. “I’ve never been on a date.”

 

“He’d say yes, Jasper. That’s the biggest hurdle - getting someone to say yes. Don’t worry about going home with him or kissing or anything like that. Just ask him.”

 

“You make it sound easy.”

 

“Don’t think about it. Don’t think about all the stuff you think you don’t know. There are no rules for this. I mean, fuck what anyone else says. The only rule is don’t be an asshole. That includes no murdering.”

 

Jasper bristled. “And no rape,” he said under his breath.

 

“Uh. Yeah. That’s no bueno, obviously.”

 

Jasper shook his head and looked down at their joined hands.

 

She gave his fingers a tug. “Come on. I triple dog dare you.”

 

He smiled. It was small, but it was there. She did know him. Even though his stomach twisted with nerves, her dare sparked something in him. He was competitive. He just wasn’t one to turn down a triple dog dare, and she knew it. “You think it’s fair for me to use Peter as an experiment?”

 

“Baby, dating is an experiment. That’s all it is. None of us make a promise when we go on that first date. Or the second or the third. We make a promise when we actually make a promise. We all have a first, and for most people, it’s not going to be your only.”

 

“He’s a good friend.”

 

“Is he? You and I have been hanging out for a few weeks now. Where has he been?”

 

“That’s not his fault. That’s mine. He’s constantly trying to hang out.”

 

“Yeah. I’ll bet. I’ll bet he’s been trying to figure out a way to get to you.”

 

Jasper played with her fingers. “I don’t...It seems cruel to lead him on if I can’t…”

 

“First of all, you don’t know what you can’t. You have no idea what’s going to happen.”

 

“That… sucks.”

 

“Yeah. Welcome to the fun world of dating.” Alice laughed. “Yeah, it can be awkward and messy, but it can also be really great. Maybe you and Peter will crash and burn, and maybe he’ll be the love of your life. More likely, it’ll end up somewhere in between. Either way, you’ll have taken that first step. First steps can’t be undone. And you like Peter, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then trust me. You’re already ahead of the game there.”

 

“I….” Jasper spread his hands and hung his head. “I’m out of excuses.”

 

“You sure are, cowboy.” She clapped him on the back. “Time to pony up.”

 

“You don’t waste any time, do you? Aren’t you going to give me a little time to get used to this idea?”

 

“You’ve had years.” She leaned across the table. “Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not ready for this. Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t thought of being all you can be.”

 

“I’m not joining the army.”

 

“Don’t change the subject.”

 

Jasper glared. Alice glared right back. He huffed. “Fine.”

 

“Now.”

 

“Dammit, you’re pushy.”

 

“Sure am.” She waved her hands in a shooing motion. “Take the first step. I promise you’ll survive.”

 

He stood. His head swam.

 

Was this wrong? It felt wrong. Like he was betraying Edward somehow. But Edward had never been his. Once upon a time, this was a journey he wanted to start with Edward at his side. He’d waited. He’d hoped.

 

Alice was right. He wasn’t making any commitments. It was one date. It was admitting out loud what he’d only admitted to himself and Alice.

 

He took a step toward Peter’s booth. His legs were wobbly.

 

“Do it,” Alice said.

 

He took a deep breath, held his head high, and turned the corner.

 

There were a few customers in line. Jasper was annoyed at first. He almost used it as an excuse to turn tail and head back to Alice. It was really unfair of her to expect him to jump into the deep end when he didn’t know how to swim.

 

No. No. This made sense. It would be good to have one date under his belt.

 

He spent the time in line watching Peter. For the first time, he gave himself permission to see him in a different light. He drank in the musculature of his arms and the way his grin lit up an entire room. He was polite and charming with the customers. That was what had caught Jasper’s attention in the first place - how he could make him feel better on a bad day. Good customer service, he’d thought, but it also made him a good person.

 

Jasper thought about kissing him.

 

His thoughts petered out there. The idea didn’t repulse him, but it didn’t titillate him either. He felt more nervous than anything. After so many years of trying his hardest not to think about things like this, it was difficult to imagine.

 

Would he have felt this way if he was going to ask a girl out for the first time?

 

Jasper shook his head. Peter was ringing up the customer in front of him. Then it was Jasper’s turn.

 

Peter’s smile was not as wan as it had been when Alice was there. “Hey. You and your girl back for dessert?”

 

“She’s not my girl.” His voice shook when he spoke.

 

“No?”

 

“No. She’s a friend. Just a friend.”

 

Peter ducked his head. “Oh. Okay. So, um… did you need something?”

 

“No. I don’t need anything.” Jasper leaned on the counter, forcing himself to look up into Peter’s eyes. They were very pretty eyes. “I want something, though.”

 

Peter looked startled and uncertain. He blinked. “Okay. What do you want.”

 

“I was thinking… um…” Jasper scrambled. He hadn’t thought this far. Coffee was lame. They got coffee all the time. It was Seattle. “Would you… How would you feel about going to get a drink. With me. Sometime. Doesn’t have to be today.” He pressed his lips together so he would stop babbling.

 

Peter’s eyes widened, but he reined in his reaction just as quickly. “You mean with everyone?”

 

Of course he would think that. Peter had been trying forever to get Jasper to go out with a group of people.

 

“No. Not everyone. I mean with me.”

 

Peter’s lips began to creep up. “Jasper Whitlock, are you asking me on a date?”

 

“Well, I’m trying. I think I’m doing a piss poor job of it, but I’m trying.”

 

Peter laughed. “Yeah. You suck at this.”

 

Jasper blushed.

 

“So I’ll take pity on you,” Peter said.

 

“Is that a yes?”

 

Peter wagged a finger in his face. “Jasper. If I say yes to a date with you and you cancel on me for Edward… just realize that half the men who work here swing our way. You’ll never be able to eat or drink anything in Pike’s Place again because it’ll be spit flavored, you catch my drift?”

  
Jasper had to smile. “I think that’s fair. That’s probably more than I deserve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to jfka06, barburella, songster, and jessypt.
> 
> My advice to you, dear readers, is not to assume.


	6. Waking Slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Remember. Don’t assume. That is my advice.

Edward wrung his hands. He felt like he was thirteen again, waiting in his father’s study to be taken to task about breaking not one, but two windows. He’d told his mother she was insane, making the whole back wall floor to ceiling windows. She had two teenage boys at home. One of them was Emmett.

 

In the end, though, it was Edward and Jasper who broke the windows. Esme was away at a conference, which was a good thing for Edward. Facing his father’s disappointment was bad enough.

 

Here he was a decade later, waiting in his father’s office, in trouble again. He was irritated, but he was also ashamed and scared. It was an irrational fear. He knew the most his father was going to do was fire him. That wouldn’t be so bad.

 

Carlisle had been right in a way. Edward did feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose. True, his job wasn’t difficult, but he still felt a sense of pride when his supervisor told him he was doing well.

 

Though there were many positives, Edward struggled on a day to day basis. Every morning his blankets felt like lead. Every day exhausted him. Functioning like a normal human being took everything out of him. Some days, the only thing that kept him from calling in dead was picturing his father’s disgust.

 

Losing this job would be a relief in many ways, but Edward was terrified this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Just what would it take to get his parents to write him off?

 

He flinched when the door opened, but he kept his eyes on his feet. If anything, he slouched further down and crossed his arms over his chest. He heard the door close and his father’s footfalls across the carpeted floor. His heart beat in double time when he heard Carlisle pull his chair out and sit.

 

Carlisle sighed. “Edward, the least you could do is sit up straight. I’m your boss-”

 

“You’re not my boss. My boss said there was no problem. She wouldn’t have escalated this to the CEO. Mike laughed it off. If I wasn’t your son, I’d be back at my desk working.” He still didn’t look up, but he did sit up straighter.

 

“You’re right. As your CEO, it’s unfortunate I know things about you I wouldn’t know if I wasn’t your father, but I do. If my other employees are in danger-”

 

Edward laughed. It was a tired, bitter sound.

 

Carlisle blew out a breath. Edward could almost hear him counting to ten before he tried again. “Why don’t you tell me what happened? And sit up straight. Take your hood off, and look me in the eyes. Attempt professionalism, even if I am your father.”

 

Then it was Edward’s turn to count to ten. His father was right, of course. He knew how to be professional, and he was channeling recalcitrant teenager instead. He took a deep breath, sat up straight, and pulled his hood down. He still refused to raise his head. “It was an accident. Mike surprised me, and I reacted automatically.”

 

“Your automatic reaction was to attack him?”

 

“I didn’t attack him. It’s a self-defense thing. From those classes when I was a kid. The move is meant to get you out of an attacker’s grip.”

 

“You’re saying he attacked you?”

 

“No. No.” Edward shuddered as he remembered. “I was filing. I had my earbuds in. I didn’t hear him come up behind me, that’s all. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back off the stepstool I was on.”

 

“Why would he do that?”

 

“I don’t know. He thought he was being funny. ” Mike presented a frustrating conundrum for Edward. He had gotten it into his head he and Edward were friends. “He didn’t mean anything by it. I know that. It was just instinct for me to react that way."

 

Carlisle didn’t speak for so long, Edward had to look up to see the look on his face. His expression was far off, his lips pressed together. It was still nearly another minute before he looked to Edward. “I hope you understand, by definition, the company’s sexual harassment policy applies here.”

 

Edward broke out in a cold sweat. “What?”

 

“Regardless of his intention, Mike doesn’t have the right to touch you in any way you find uncomfortable.”

 

“That’s not…” Ridiculous though it was, his throat had closed off, and he’d broken into a cold sweat. “It’s not a big deal. It won’t happen again. I’ll keep one earbud out so I hear him coming. It’ll be fine.”

 

Carlisle looked perplexed. “I’m not blaming you, Edward. If you don’t want Mike to touch you, that’s not something you should have to put up with. Not at work. Work should be a safe place.”

 

“There’s nothing unsafe. Why wouldn’t I feel safe?” Edward shook his head. This line of conversation made him agitated. “Everything’s fine. Don’t make this a bigger deal than it is.”

 

Carlisle’s gaze only furthered Edward’s anxiety. He struggled not to squirm and looked down at his shoes again. “You’re sure, Edward? You’re sure there’s no problem with Mike?”

 

“There’s no problem. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to react that way.” He took a steadying breath. “I’m trying, Dad.”

 

There was a scrape as Carlisle pushed his chair back. He walked around the desk and dropped into the chair across from Edward. “I know you’re trying.” If he noticed the way Edward flinched when he put a hand on his shoulder, he didn’t say. “I believe you, Edward. You understand why we had to have this conversation, don’t you?”

 

“I’m a fuck up. I can’t be trusted. I get it.”

 

“Edward.” Carlisle’s tone was laced with exasperation. “I do want to trust you. I’m trying to understand. You almost broke Emmett’s nose two years ago. At Christmas. I just don’t want it to get to that point here. It shouldn’t have gotten to that point with your brother.”

 

“I said I get it.”

 

Carlisle moved his hand from Edward’s shoulder to run through his hair in a tender gesture. Edward closed his eyes. “You know you can talk to me, don’t you? Or your mother. There are no conditions on that.”

 

“There’s nothing to talk about. I know I’m a pain in the ass.”

 

“You’re my son, and I love you.”

 

A modicrum of tension drained from Edward’s shoulders. “Yeah, Dad. I love you, too.”

**~0~**

“Does Jasper not like me?”

 

Edward looked up at Bella. “Why would you think that?”

 

“I think he’s avoiding me. It seems like everytime Alice tells me I should come hang out with you, he’s out. It’s probably paranoid, but I can’t help but think he gets Alice to send me over whenever he’s going to be somewhere else. It feels like he’s avoiding me.”

 

Edward opened his mouth to dismiss that claim, but he realized he couldn’t. Bella was right. Jasper hadn’t ever gone out as much as he had these last few weeks. Every night out coincided with Bella suggesting they watch a movie or show. He swallowed hard. “It’s Alice’s idea for you to come over?” He couldn’t help but feel hurt at the implication.

 

“I didn’t mean it like that.” She shifted on the couch so she was facing him. “I can get a little obsessive about things. My job, mostly. I turn into a workaholic when I’m focused on one project. I ignore my friends, I cancel dental appointments, that kind of thing. So Alice and I worked out this deal. I can only veto every third suggestion.”

 

“Really? Sounds a little pushy.”

 

“Well, there are caveats, of course. If I’m really not feeling it, I don’t have to go, or if my job truly depends on it.” She smiled. “You’re right. Alice is pushy, but that can be really good for me, you know?”

 

Edward smiled. “She sounds like a good friend. Like Jasper.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Jasper’s not avoiding you. At least, I don’t think he is. He likes you a lot. He, uh… He…” How did he explain this without sounding pathetic? He knew damn well Jasper often canceled his own plans because he didn’t like leaving Edward at home alone.

 

When had Edward started just accepting that? Now it was as though Jasper felt he had to find a replacement, a babysitter, to enjoy a night out.

 

“Look,” he said. “It’s not you. It’s me. He’s always doing things for me. I don’t… I don’t get out much. I use him as an excuse not to have to try with anyone else.” He shrugged. “You’re the first person besides him I’ve voluntarily hung out with in years.”

 

“Really? Why?”

 

“Guess I’m not great company.”

 

“I don’t think that’s true.”

 

“Yeah, well. You might have questionable taste in friends.” His smile was thin. He was trying to tease, but his heart ached. “I have to take my share of the blame. I’m kind of a snob when it comes to people. I’m hard to please.” Another shrug. “Guess I’m a pain in the ass.”

 

Bella stared at him, and Edward got the feeling he’d said something wrong. He was about to apologize when she spoke again. “Why do you do that?”

 

“Do what?”

 

“You put yourself down a lot.”

 

Edward looked away from her. “I’m a difficult person. I acknowledge that.”

 

“Everybody’s difficult to someone.”

 

“Some things are just true, Bella. I’m a pain in the ass, and I really don’t know why either of you put up with me.”

 

“There’s nothing to put up with. That’s not how friendship works. I like you for who you are, faults and all.”

 

“You know nothing about me,” Edward snapped. He startled both of them with his loud voice. “I’m sorry. I just… I am. I’m a shitty friend. Look at all Jasper does for me, and what do I do for him?”

 

“You set him up with Alice.”

 

“That went well.”

 

“Are you blind? They didn’t click romantically. So what? Have you been around those two? Jasper stole my bff. I’d be jealous if they weren’t so damn cute about it.”

 

Edward’s lips curled up at one corner. “Yeah, you’re right. Jasper texts her all the time.” He sighed. “I’ve been feeling guilty about him lately, that’s all.” He twisted the string of his hoodie. “He... we used to have all these plans, and I’ve been thinking lately, maybe it’s my fault he hasn’t done any of them.”

 

Bella knitted her eyebrows. “Edward, you’re talking as though you’re both in your nineties instead of your early twenties. You still have time for all that. Both of you.” She paled. “Unless… Oh, God, Edward. Is Jasper sick? Are you sick?”

 

“No.” He was taken aback that she would jump to that conclusion. It struck him then how oddly accurate the assessment was. He didn’t want to die. Sometimes, maybe too many times, he thought about dying, but it wasn’t an active thought. He wasn’t suicidal. Somewhere along the line, he’d begun living as though he didn’t have a future. “Neither of us are sick.”

 

Bella looked relieved. “Christ, you scared me.” She shook her head and took her phone out. “Well, you said he wanted to do a road trip down south, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I found this deal the other day. I’m addicted to those discount sites. Groupon, Living Social. You get it.” She turned her phone around and handed it to him. “It’s two nights in one of those lodge type places in Tennessee. Free dinner one night, all of that. There are tons of Civil War battlefields within driving distance. I know it’s not the same as taking a weeks-long road-trip, but it would be fun. I have a whole bunch of airline points. Maybe not enough for four tickets, but it would take a good chunk..”

 

“Four tickets?”

 

“Sure. I mean, our double friend-dates have been a good time. This would just be an extended one.” She looked at him. “Unless Jasper’s one of those guys who can’t sleep in the same bed as another guy.”

 

Edward looked away quickly. “No, uh… It wouldn’t bother him. Jasper’s not like that.”

 

“Okay. So what do you think? We can surprise them. Alice likes to travel. It could be a fun three day weekend.”

 

Edward thought about the plane. Tight spaces. Lots of strangers. The thought made him light-headed. Then he thought of Jasper and how much his friend hadn’t done. He began to wonder if Jasper really had to study so hard in college or if he’d stayed home on weekends so Edward wouldn’t be alone.

 

How much had Jasper sacrificed without Edward noticing?

 

He took a deep breath. It wouldn’t be bad. Jasper would sit next to him. He always did. And there was no reason he should be scared of flying. The last time he’d flown, he’d enjoyed it.

 

“Yeah,” he said finally. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”

**~0~**

Edward perched on the couch. The strangest memories occurred to him lately. When he was a teenager, his mother used to tease him about the way he sprawled across the couch. “You make your presence known,” she’d said more than once.

 

These days, he took up as little room as possible. When had that started, he wondered. He was pressed into the furthest corner of the couch, his knees drawn up to his chest, his arms around his legs, and his head down. He swayed back and forth, lost in thought until Jasper’s voice broken into his reverie.

 

“Edward? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Jasper knelt in front of him, hand on his knee, searching his face.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Why’s it so dark in here?”

 

“The lights aren’t on.”

 

Jasper smirked and straightened. He sat next to Edward on the couch. “Smartass.”

 

“You were out late.”

 

“I didn’t mean to stay out this long. Lost track of time. I-”

 

“Dude. It was an observation.” Edward rolled his head so his nose pressed against the fabric of his jeans, then he looked up. “I make everything about me, don’t I?”

 

“What?”

 

Edward didn’t answer right away. His words got so tangled up in his head. “I’m sorry,” he said. It seemed like the most important thing. “I’m sorry for everything.”

 

"I've said it before, but it bears repeating. You apologize too damn much. What are you sorry for now?"

 

“I guess I’m glad you have Alice now, and whoever you were hanging out with tonight. You deserve good friends, better friends than me.”

 

“Hey.” Jasper’s hand was warm against his back. “Look at me.” Hesitantly, Edward did. “You’re not a bad friend.”

 

“I’m not a good friend.”

 

“Come on, Edward. What is it you think, then? I fake all the good times we have together?”

 

“Good times? Cooped up here in this apartment?”

 

“You saying you don’t have fun with me? Picking apart movies? Trying to see if we can recreate the recipes from Master Chef? We have done some insanely kick ass puzzles at that table.” He pointed to their coffee table.

 

Edward smiled. “Yeah. Yeah. It just… it occurred to me how much time you spend here.” He raised his head. “You sent Bella to babysit me, didn’t you?”

 

Then it was Jasper’s turn to duck his head. “You like hanging out with Bella.”

 

“Bella’s great, but that’s not what I asked.”

 

“It’s not a bad thing, is it? It was a little push. That’s all. You need more friends than just me.”

 

“And you need more friends than me.” Edward traced the pad of his finger along the couch around his feet. “Be careful about claiming Alice as your best friend, though. Bella’s feisty. She could probably kick your ass.”

 

“Well, I don’t have to worry about that because Alice isn’t my best friend. She’s never going to be my best friend. You’ve been my best friend since we were kids, man. That’s not going to change.

 

Edward looked down, but he was smiling. “Yeah, well…” He reached over to retrieve the papers he’d printed out. “I still want you to know, I’m going to try to be a better friend. Starting with this.”

 

Jasper took the paper from him and his eyes widened as he read over it. “You want to go away to a lodge in Tennessee?”

 

“It’s a four person room. You, me, Alice, Bella. All expenses paid.”

 

“This is too much, Edward. Can you afford this?”

 

“Perks of having a steady job.” He shook his head. “Don’t worry about that. It’s already done.”

 

“Are you sure you-”

 

“Let me do this for you. I want to.” He pressed his palm flat against the couch and looked up. “Quit telling me I shouldn’t and tell me if this is lame.”

 

“Lame? Are you kidding me? This is near Shiloh. Can we go to Shiloh?”

 

“What the fuck is Shiloh?”

 

Jasper rolled his eyes. “It’s a battlefield. A Civil War battlefield.”

 

“I should have known.” Edward’s smile crept up higher as Jasper’s genuine excitement grew. “Yeah, man. We can go wherever you want.”

  
It was the first moment of pure happiness Edward could remember having in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to jessypt, barburella, and songster for putting up with me. And of course, endless thanks to jfk06. Given the subject matter, it feels wrong to say I have fun writing for you, but…. well, I do!


	7. Tennessee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ooooh, what’s gonna happen in Tennessee?

Jasper was babbling. He knew he was babbling. It was a dorky thing to get giddy about, being on a Civil War battlefield. Jasper couldn’t help getting excited about history.

 

He chattered about generals before and after this battle, kills on both sides. He talked about how the grounds must have been so bloody. “General Sherman was better off afterward, but Grant wasn’t,” he said.

 

Edward’s laugh made Jasper shut his mouth. He couldn’t help his smile. The battlefield wasn’t a bad fit for Edward. It was the antithesis of crowded. The Tennessee air was crisp, so he was wearing his hoodie and a jacket over that. His posture was defensive, but he seemed as relaxed as he ever got. The girls had hung back by the gift shop, but Edward kept to Jasper’s side, listening to his inane prattling. “Sorry,” Jasper said. “It’s boring, isn’t it?”

 

“It’s not boring. I just think it’s funny.” He waved the headset they’d gotten in the visitor’s center. “Who needs a self-guided tour when I have you? You have a much nicer voice anyway.”

 

When he smiled like he was then, a little shy, almost bashful, it struck Jasper how beautiful he was. His fingers twitched at his side. He wanted to press his palm to Edward’s cheek. He imagined how cold his skin would be. And always, always, he wanted to kiss his friend.

 

It never faded. Sometimes it hit him harder than other times. Today was one of them.

 

Edward shuffled his feet. “What are you looking at?”

 

“Um.” Jasper reached out, improvising, and he brushed at Edward’s head. “Nothing. Just a leaf.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They stared at each other, and Jasper’s throat went dry. Edward almost never held his gaze for any significant amount of time. He looked down at his feet more often than not, and even when he was looking up, his glance was furtive. But every once in a while, Edward looked at him as if he saw him again, really saw him. In those moments, Jasper’s heart beat faster.

 

Before he could think of anything to say, the girls’ giggles wafted back to them. Edward and Jasper turned as Bella and Alice walked toward them. “Hey, kids. Are we done being big history geeks?” Alice asked.

 

“I, uh… I think that would be asking Jasper to change his personality,” Edward said.

 

Jasper’s eyes bulged, and he ducked his head to cover it. It was such a small joke, but Jasper hadn’t heard Edward joke in four years. He sounded like a diluted version of the guy he’d been before.

 

The girls didn’t know it was such a momentous occasion. They chuckled. “Well, can we continue the history lesson at a diner or something? I’m starved,” Bella said.

**~0~**

The lodge they were staying in had a tub big enough to swim in. The girls had taken their turn with it--separately--the night before. That night was Edward’s turn. He’d been in there for an hour, and Jasper couldn’t help be worried. It had been a good day, but Jasper had been through too many bad ones with Edward to not worry his friend would get too tired. When, he wondered, would he not look like a freak for knocking on the door.

 

Luckily for his overactive imagination, Edward emerged not long afterward. He seemed more relaxed than usual, in sweatpants, a soft, long-sleeved cotton shirt, and the robe the lodge had left for each of them. Again, Jasper was surprised. Edward had worn his hoodie to bed the night before.

 

“The tub is great.” His voice was quiet when he spoke. He padded across the room to the bed they were sharing and sat beside Jasper. “You should try it.”

 

“Naw. I’m fine. Already got my jammies on, see?” Jasper stuck out his pajama-clad leg and wiggled it for emphasis.

 

"You guys are such fuddy duddys," Alice said.  She and Bella were on their bed putting the final touches on their hair and makeup.

 

"Are you sure you don't want to check out this little bar?" Bella asked.

 

Jasper didn’t even think twice. “We’re good. Just going to relax, right, Edward?”

 

Edward glanced at him. “You could go if you wanted.”

 

“If I wanted, I wouldn’t have put my jammies on.” Jasper propped his hands behind his head and flashed the others a serene smile.

 

“I really am tired,” Edward said when the girls had gone. “It’s been a long day. A good day but a long day.”

 

Jasper’s heart gave a quiet pang. Edward always said he was tired when he had the opportunity to go out. Jasper had no doubt it was true. Every day of the last four years seemed to take every ounce of Edward’s energy to get through. Jasper reminded himself that Edward had done well on the plane, and he’d been okay--twitchy, but okay--at the restaurant. He was trying harder than he had for years.

 

“Must have felt good to soak in that tub then,” Jasper said. “You took long enough. I thought for sure you’d drowned.”

 

“Yeah. I could have. That tub is so big you can float in it.” He traced the pad of a single finger along the design on the bedspread. “It was nice. Reminded me of swimming at the lake except it was hot as I could stand instead of freezing cold.” The corner of his mouth curled up. “You remember going to the lake every summer?”

 

Jasper snorted. “For what passes as summer in the Pacific Northwest anyway. Of course I remember.”

 

Edward went quiet. He stared down at the bedspread, and it didn’t take long for his smile to fall. “We don’t even do that anymore. I don’t do anything.”

 

“Hey.” Jasper bumped his side. “It happens. That’s just life getting in the way. My dad always used to say how life sneaks up on you. You have the best intentions, and before you know it, years have passed.”

 

“There’s a difference between years passing without you doing everything you’ve planned and years of nothing.”

 

Jasper studied the side of Edward’s face and wished he would look up. He didn’t. He almost never did. “Are you okay, Edward?”

 

“I’m fine. I’m just thinking about time. Some days, a lot of days, feel like years, but… I can’t remember the last time I’ve done anything significant. That’s crappy. How many years of adulthood, and I have nothing to show for it.”

 

“That isn’t true. Look what you’re doing now. You have a nice chunk of time invested in steady employment. You made two great friends in Alice and Bella. You’ve been to Tennessee now.”

 

“Huge accomplishments.”

 

“It’s a start. Everyone starts somewhere. Once you get things done, they can’t be undone. Even at only four months experience, there are a few more doors open. A little experience is all some employers are looking for. Some. You just have to keep moving forward.”

 

“To what?”

 

“I don’t know. What do you want?”

 

Edward shook his head slowly. “I really don’t know. I used to, but I don’t anymore.”

 

“I don’t think that’s uncommon, man. Not a lot of people know what they want at our age besides the usual. Creature comforts and all. You don’t have to know right now. Just do like the good fish Dory says. Keep on swimming.”

 

“Yeah.” Edward raised his head and offered Jasper a small smile. “This was a good day. I almost forgot how big of a dork you are.”

 

“The blood of our ancestors is all over those fields, man. Did you know-”

 

Edward slumped over and buried his face in his pillow. He fake-snored loud enough to be heard even through the fabric.

 

Jasper rolled his eyes and gave Edward’s side a light smack. “All right, all right. Consider that your bedtime story.” He climbed over Edward’s legs onto his side of the bed. He pulled back the covers and they both got under the blankets.

 

“Hey, Jasper?” Edward asked into the darkness.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I know I’ve been oblivious for a while. Thank you being my friend through all that.”

 

“Told you before, Edward. It’s not a chore to be your friend.”

 

“Thank you anyway.”

**~0~**

Jasper woke when the girls came in some hours later. He skirted the edge of awareness as he blinked in the low light from the bathroom where Alice and Bella were dressing down. Their whispers and the sound of the wind through the trees made for soothing background noise. His eyelids were still heavy.

 

It took Jasper a few seconds to realize his nose itched. Hair. His nose was buried in someone’s hair. He pulled back enough to see and the shock shook him more awake.

 

Edward was curled on his side as usual. For a long while, he’d slept in a fetal position with his head tucked as close to his knees as sleep allowed. It wasn’t different tonight, but what was different was the fact Edward’s head was cradled on Jasper’s chest, the rest of his body tucked up against his.

 

For a full minute, Jasper scrambled, trying to figure what he should do. If Edward were to wake and find them like this…

 

But then his worry faded away. Edward was fast asleep and peaceful in his arms. Jasper relaxed. There was no point in worrying what might happen with Edward. He could still hear the girls in the bathroom, chattering away.

 

In the still of the night, Jasper let himself indulge. He drank in the smooth lines of Edward’s face. He was beautiful and young. His psyche was so damaged, but there was still trust in him. If there wasn’t, his subconscious would never have let this happen.

 

Jasper raised his hand and ran the pad of his thumb over the rough stubble of Edward’s cheek. When his friend didn’t wake, he let his fingers trace up into his hair. Baby soft. Jasper smiled. He brushed his nose against Edward’s once, twice, and then pulled back. He let his hand rest against Edward’s shoulder.

 

By the time the girls had finally turned out the lights and climbed into their own bed, Jasper’s eyelids were drooping again. He fell asleep more content than he had been in a long time.

**~0~**

Some days later life was back to normal. Jasper was up to his usual schtick, calling out to the passing shoppers. “I spy with my little eye a chocolate lover. Come on. Chocolate, pasta. How do you not at least try it?” He smiled big as he handed out raw pieces of chocolate linguine. Once he’d hooked them, he was quick to point out the vast array of flavored pastas they had. “Think about it. Romantic candle lit dinner. The smell of the basil in the penne will make any meal with this pasta seem fancy. She, or he, whatever, is guaranteed to think you spent hours slaving over a culinary masterpiece. This is great date material, man. Trust me on that.”

 

“Now how would you know that, Jasper Whitlock? You’ve never taken me on any such fancy basil pasta date.”

 

Jasper glanced over to where Peter stood with his arms crossed, a faux-stern look on his face. He winked. “Be with you in a second, sir.”

 

While Jasper helped the customer, Peter leaned on the counter. He held Jasper’s gaze as he dragged a bit of bread through the sample of flavored vinegar and put it to his lips. His sexy smirk did delicious things to Jasper’s body.

 

Peter had been amazing. Jasper had come clean about his long relationship with the inside of his closet, and Peter bent over backward to make him comfortable. He was sweet and patient, allowing Jasper to explore his body and never, ever pushing him further than he wanted to go.

 

Jasper was lucky. He knew only too well how lucky he was.

 

When Jasper was done with his customer, he took a break. He grabbed Peter’s hand and hauled him around a quieter corner. There, he pinned him back against the wall with his hips and kissed him fervently. He smiled against Peter’s lips when he heard someone snicker as they went by. It was surprising to him how little he cared about what other people thought of him or whom he chose to kiss. He paid them no mind and only leaned harder. Peter let his hands drift down to his ass and squeezed.

 

He did break their kiss when his phone rang though. They both laughed, breathless, and Jasper cupped Peter’s chin as he answered his phone. “Hello?” He stroked his thumb over Peter’s lip, sucking in a breath when the other man darted his tongue out to lick him.

 

“I’m looking for Jasper Whitlock.”

 

“Speaking.”

 

Jasper listened with increasing excitement. Peter was watching him at first with curiosity and then happiness. “Yes, ma’am. Thank you. Thank you so much for this opportunity.” He disconnected the call and stared at the phone.

 

“You got a job?” Peter asked, his hands on either side of Jasper’s waist.

 

“Not just a job, Pete. The one I wanted. The ideal one. Archivist at the Museum of History and Industry.”

 

Peter let out a whoop and spun Jasper around. “Well, that settles it. We’re going to paint the town red, you and me. Celebrate.”

 

“I’m not going to argue with you there.”

**~0~**

They ended up at Peter’s house. They always ended up at Peter’s house.

 

“Christ, Jasper.” Peter moaned as Jasper pushed him down on the couch. “Fuck. Oh, God. A couple months ago you were a timid little school boy. This…” He panted. “This is more like it.”

 

Jasper kissed a line back up from where he had been dragging his teeth along Peter’s collarbone. He kissed him once. “You know.” He kissed him again. “You talk too fucking much.”

 

“This confident you does things to me.”

 

“This is me, darl. One size fits all.”  He bucked his hips into Peter’s. “Just had to catch my stride, is all.” He ducked his head back down to Peter’s neck and nipped.

 

“Jasper?”

 

“Um… yeah?”

 

“Need you… to, uh… Look at me.”

 

Jasper raised his head.

 

Peter searched his eyes, and Jasper’s stomach tightened when he saw the uncertainty in the other man’s expression. “It’s changed.”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s changed.”

 

Jasper pulled back, trying to reorient himself. He exhaled in one big huff and straightened up. “Oh.”

 

When they’d started dating, Jasper worried about leading Peter on. There was a lot he had to figure out, and, as Peter pointed out, he was out of his depth.

 

“Everyone deserves a safe place for their first, no matter what the circumstance,” Peter said. “So no bullshit. No expectations. I want to do this for you.”

 

Jasper reached a tentative hand out over the table an twined his fingers with Peter’s. “I don’t want to hurt you. You’ve been a better friend than I deserve.”

 

“Yeah, well. Maybe someday that will be the thing that makes you fall in love with me.” Peter shrugged. “Or maybe it won’t. We’ll play it by ear. If something changes, if I can’t do the physical thing without needing something you can’t give me, or don’t want to give me. Or for that matter, if you want to stop, or if something changes for you… We won’t do the dancing around each other thing. I promise you I’ll be honest the minute something changes if you’ll do the same.”

 

Jasper nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I’d really like that.”

 

“Fuck.” Peter rubbed a hand over his eyes. “I, um… I’m in love with you.”

 

“Oh.”

 

They sat in silence for too long. Peter’s breath was ragged. “You don’t feel anything at all for me?”

 

Jasper didn’t answer right away. His eyes stung as he stared up at the roof.

 

Of course he’d thought about it. He’d figured out a while ago, he was in love with Peter. How could he not be? They’d already been friends with good reason. Peter was sexy, sweet, smart. He made Jasper laugh. He made him feel good about himself.

 

But after their vacation to Tennessee, Jasper knew he couldn’t tell Peter. It was a lesser kind of in love he felt for the other man. That fact was made crystal clear when Jasper woke up to find Edward asleep in his arms. Those minutes he lay awake caressing Edward’s hair and cheeks, the emotion that swept over Jasper was profound. It was a tender feeling, the kind that made his heart ache. It was a sweet ache, a good pain, as though his heart was straining against his ribs.

 

No kiss, no physically charged moment with Peter had ever felt as incredible as simply watching Edward sleep.

 

He knew he couldn’t wait for Edward. Jasper had every hope Edward could and would get better, but that didn’t mean he should continue to put his own life on hold. With time, he could grow to love a man like Peter on a deeper level.

 

But for the time being, he couldn’t help how he felt, and it wasn’t fair to Peter to make him wait.

 

Jasper hung his head. “Peter…”

 

“Don’t say it.” He took a shuddering breath. “Just tell me the truth. It’s Edward, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah…. Peter… for the first time in… well, ever, I wish it was different. I wish I felt different. Believe me, if I could just love him like a friend, it would make everything so much easier.” His stomach twisted. “I do lo-”

 

“Please don’t say it.”

 

Jasper heard Peter swallow hard. He looked up and saw him blinking, obviously trying not to cry. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

 

“I know that… I think.”

 

Jasper could hardly breathe around the tightness in his throat. “Are we okay?” It was selfish, but he hated the idea this whole thing had cost him a friend. He’d gained so much. It wasn’t fair for Peter to have gained nothing from their relationship.

  
“Not right now.” Peter took a deep breath and reached for his hand. “We will be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know. Now Peter needs hugs. SIGH. Stupid author, hurting everyone’s hearts. 
> 
> Many thanks to jessypt, songster, and barburella. Huge thanks to jfka06, of course. These are her boys.


	8. Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Merry weekend, folks! Let’s see how this goes.

Edward woke up with the distinct feeling something wasn’t right. He sat straight up in bed and scrambled for the light, paranoia making his stomach clench. He stared around the room and took deep breaths until his heartbeat slowed to a more normal pace.

 

He had nightmares sometimes. He could never remember them when he woke up; he just woke up sure he was about to asphyxiate, sure someone was there, holding his head down on the pillow.

 

It took him a few minutes to realize this wasn’t the same feeling. It wasn’t a nightmare that made him wake.

 

Edward stretched out and listened. When he heard nothing, he opened the door and stood in the hallway. Then he heard it. The distinct sound of sniffling. He walked forward at a quick gait and found Jasper in the living room. The lights were out, but he could see the blond man sitting on the couch, slumped over with his head in his hands. His shoulders shook as he cried quietly.

 

“Jasper?” Edward’s heart skipped a beat as he darted to Jasper’s side. He sat beside him, his hands frantic as he tried to get his friend to raise his head. “What happened? What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Jasper?”

 

His friend looked up. Even in the darkness of the room, Edward could tell he’d been crying a while. “I’m fine.” He stilled Edward’s hands.

 

Edward reached past him to turn the light on so he could see for himself. Sure enough, though Jasper’s eyes were bloodshot, he didn’t look like he’d been harmed. Then again, he was wearing a sweatshirt. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

 

“Nothing.” Jasper ducked his head and wiped at his eyes. He sniffed again and took a deep breath. “It’s nothing you have to worry about.”

 

“I have to worry about you.”

 

“You-”

 

“Isn’t that what you always tell me when I’m freaking out over nothing?”

 

“You don’t freak out over nothing.”

 

“Yeah, I do. All the time. Nothing important. But that’s beside the point.” Edward smoothed Jasper’s hair away from his eyes and cupped his cheek. He moved his thumb in slow circles along Jasper’s cheek, copying the movement his friend used so often to soothe him. “What happened?”

 

Jasper closed his eyes. After a second, he leaned into Edward’s touch. “I, um… I just did something stupid. I hurt someone I care about.” He took another breath and blinked sporadically, as though he was trying not to cry. “I’m fine. Really. I’m just stupid. So, so stupid.”

 

“I find that really hard to believe.” Edward tilted his head, trying to catch Jasper’s eyes, but he wouldn’t look at him. “Jasper.”

 

“I’m fine.” His voice shook.

 

“Jasper,” Edward said again. He shifted closer. He was confused, but he could see how badly Jasper was hurting. He’d never seen his friend this way. Jasper was trying to hold himself together, but he was about to fall apart. “It’s okay. It’s just me. It’s okay.” As he spoke, he tried to pull Jasper closer. He wrapped his arms around him, his hand pressed against his back.

 

“I’m fine. I…” But Jasper’s voice cracked. His back stiffened for only a moment before he slumped forward. Edward was surprised at his weight, but he managed to hold steady.

 

This time, the one time Jasper really needed him, he could be the strong one. He could hold Jasper up.

 

“I didn’t want to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. He’s my friend.” Jasper’s voice cracked again, and he cried quietly against Edward’s shoulder.

 

Edward threaded his fingers through the other man’s hair. “It’s okay. Shhh. Shhh.” He was still confused. Nothing in Edward’s being could believe Jasper was capable of hurting his friends. Quite the opposite. Jasper hated seeing anyone in pain. Lately it had become very clear how much of Edward’s angst Jasper took on his own shoulders. Edward could only imagine what he was doing to himself now.

 

“I was just so, so stupid.”

 

“I’m sure you weren’t.” Edward pulled back slightly, so he could take Jasper’s face in his hands. He stroked his tears away.

 

Jasper’s eyes were still closed, miserable tears still streaking down his cheeks.

 

Edward didn’t have the right words. He could never find the right words, but it was doubly frustrating in that moment. Even then, with his face red and crumpled, he was beautiful. Edward didn’t know how to explain what he felt sometimes when he looked at his friend. Sometimes, the strength of Jasper’s goodness--his compassion, his strength, his kindness--left Edward in awe. It stole his breath, and in those moments, he felt so lucky. There was no reason Jasper should have stuck by him. Edward knew what a crappy friend he’d been, but Jasper’s loyalty never wavered.

 

And wasn’t this just like Jasper? Whatever he’d done, the very idea he’d caused someone pain left him wracked with sobs. That was how much he hated hurting people he cared about.

 

It took Edward a minute to realize Jasper’s soft crying had turned into mumbling. His babble was nonsensical. It was another minute before Edward could pick out words.

 

“I shouldn’t have… He was patient. I know he wanted to go further. I should have… Or maybe I shouldn’t have let him touch me at all. I knew what he wanted. I knew he wanted more than I could give him-”

 

Edward froze. A cold finger of fear shot straight down his spine, and his stomach dropped down to his toes. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. He grabbed Jasper by his shoulders. “Tell me he didn’t…” He couldn’t make himself finish that thought. Instead, he tugged the neck of Jasper’s sweater down and looked for marks. He ran his hand along Jasper’s unmarred skin, confused and pissed.

 

Jasper caught his hands again. “Hey. Hey. This is my fault, I don’t-”

 

“It wasn’t your fault. If you didn’t want to do something, it wasn’t your fault.” Edward’s voice raised in pitch. “Tell me what he did. Tell me. He… He…”

 

Edward stopped.

 

Something in his head clicked as he realized what he was saying, what Jasper had been saying.

 

He.

 

Touching.

 

Edward swallowed hard. His pulse was thready, his thoughts spinning. “You weren’t out with friends.”

 

Jasper drew back, and Edward’s hands fell to his sides. The trepidation and guilt on Jasper’s face was a look Edward had never seen on his friend before. “I, um… I was out with a friend. I was out with Peter.”

 

Peter.

 

Touching.

 

And Jasper crying.

 

He’d been going out for well over a month now. The frequency… Now that he thought about it, it sounded more like dating than hanging out.

 

“They were dates. You’re dating him.” Edward’s tone sounded flat even to his ears.

 

“I wasn’t…” Jasper rubbed the back of his neck. “Fuck. Yeah. Yeah, I was dating him. But, Edward-”

 

“Did he hurt you?” That was the most important thing. That was the thing Edward needed to know before anything else.

 

“No. No. He wouldn’t… he didn’t do that.”

 

Edward exhaled in a gust, some of the tension draining out of his shoulders. But with that worry aside, his mind spun on to other things.

 

Peter. He. Dating.

 

I shouldn’t have let him touch me at all, Jasper had said.

 

Images flashed through Edward’s head. He saw Jasper with a man, the only man Edward had seen in a sexual context. He saw Aro with his hands all over his friend. Kissing him. Touching him.

 

Edward stood up and stumbled a few steps backward. He shook his head hard. His heart raced. It was difficult to fill his lungs. “You’re dating a man.”

 

“No. Not anymore.”

 

“But you were.” Edwards voice spiked.

 

“I… Yeah, I was.” He stood and took a step toward Edward.

 

Edward skittered backward. He held a hand out in a stopping motion. “I just… I can’t…” He couldn’t think. He didn’t know what he was trying to say. He shook his head again and turned on his heel.

 

“Edward.”

 

“Don’t… Don’t follow me. I need a minute.” He fled back to his room.

 

By the time he got to his room and closed the door, Edward was shaking hard. He threw himself down on his bed and curled his knees up to his chest. He rocked as he tried to get his breathing under control. He was lightheaded and nauseated and when he could finally take a deep breath again, he really didn’t know why.

 

It may have been minutes or hours before rational thought returned. Edward turned his face into his pillow to muffle a groan.

 

What in the actual fuck had he done?

 

The one time Jasper had needed him, the one time, Edward had made it all about him, and for what? Why? What had freaked Edward out so badly?

 

Edward rolled onto his back, one hand thrown over his eyes.

 

That it had taken him off guard was an understatement. One of the reasons he’d begun pulling away from people years before was the way everyone, especially in the college crowd, had been obsessed with sex. It seemed as though it was all they talked about, and Edward hadn’t liked it. Why was it necessary? Why did he have to know which of his friends had done what to whom and how many times?

 

Jasper was safe. Jasper never talked about sex. And then, as Edward had observed recently, Jasper seemed to have put his social life on hold at the same time he had.

 

It made sense he would date. It was natural. There was nothing wrong with dating. Maybe Edward didn’t want to do it again--once bitten, twice shy or whatever--but as far as he knew, Jasper hadn’t ever gotten that far.

 

Had he?

 

Yet again it was painfully obvious how oblivious Edward had been to Jasper’s life. He considered the idea that Jasper hadn’t put his social life on hold for him. Had he been struggling with his sexuality?

 

Was Edward such a piss-poor best friend, Jasper didn’t think he could come to him?

 

“Shit.” Before, when he had friends, Edward had heard his fair share of horrible coming out stories. He knew men whose parents had beaten them, whose friends had abandoned them, who’d been kicked out and ostracized. He’d been so lucky. His parents had made it clear how much they loved him. They’d told him there was nothing to be scared of. There was nothing to confess. Nothing to be ashamed of. And Jasper…

 

Jasper had been everything a good best friend should be.

 

After everything Jasper had done for him, when he accidentally outed himself in the middle of a breakdown, Edward had run out on him. He could only imagine what Jasper thought about why.

 

Edward was Jasper’s bad coming out story.

 

“Fuck.” Edward got to his feet. Whatever was lower than pond scum, that was what he was. He was so ashamed of himself, he had the urge to leave. Just leave so Jasper wouldn’t have to look at him. But he recognized that was his cowardice speaking, and he owed his best friend so much more than that.

 

He peered out into the hallway. Jasper’s room was still dark, his door open. Edward’s stomach twisted. He crept down the hallway, careful to be quiet in case Jasper was asleep in the living room.

 

He wasn’t. Jasper was back on the couch, slumped forward again with his head in his hands.

 

Edward swallowed down the lump in his throat. “Jasper?”

 

Jasper’s head snapped up. His eyes were red. He’d been crying. Again. “Edward. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to fuck it up.”

 

Edward balked. “Don’t… Just don’t. What the hell do you have to apologize for?”

 

“I could have handled that better. I-”

 

“There was nothing for you to handle.” Edward shuffled forward step by step as he spoke. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I reacted like that.”

 

“It’s fine.”

 

“No. No, it really isn’t.” Edward took a steadying breath and dropped to his knees before Jasper.

 

“Edward. What-”

 

“I’m sorry. I was… shocked, I guess, but there’s no excuse.” He rested a tentative hand on Jasper’s knee. “Tell me again.”

 

Jasper looked down, not meeting Edward’s eyes.

 

“It’s okay. You can tell me.”

 

Jasper took a shuddering breath. He put his hand over Edward’s and grasped tightly. “I’m… I’m gay.”

 

Edward said nothing. He pushed to his feet and sat next to Jasper on the couch. He bumped his shoulder against Jasper’s. “That’s cool.”

 

Jasper laughed. It was a thin sound.

 

“It is.” Edward rubbed his back. “Tell me what happened with Peter. I thought Peter was just a friend.”

 

“He was.” Jasper started telling his story.

 

Edward stopped him right away. “Alice knew?” he said on a breath. He hung his head. “You told Alice, but you wouldn’t tell me?”

 

“It’s not like that, Edward.” He laughed again. “Believe me, I wasn’t even close to saying anything, but Alice just knew. From that day you and Bella set us up, she knew.”

 

Edward frowned. “You knew about that?”

 

“Yeah. For what it’s worth, I appreciated it. Alice is a gift one way or another.”

 

“I’m glad you had her.”

 

Jasper squeezed his hand. “I wanted to tell you. I should have told you a long time ago.”

 

“I don’t think there’s a should have. Not with things like this. You’re ready when you’re ready.”

 

Jasper gave him a strange look. “Yeah. I guess you can say that about a lot of things.” He shook his head. “Anyway.” He continued his story, and Edward listened.

 

“Peter sounds great,” Edward said when Jasper was done. It was surprisingly difficult to say those words. For some reason, even though Jasper repeatedly assured him Peter had done nothing to hurt him, Edward wanted to hate him.

 

“He is.”

 

“You love him.”

 

“I… Yeah. But not enough. Not enough to make it fair.”

 

They were both quiet. Edward’s heart ached, and he was tired. Weary. He remembered the good things Jasper talked about. He hadn’t gone into details, but he’d talked about Peter’s patience and gentleness. “I’m sorry Peter got hurt,” Edward said. “It happens, I think. You were honest. He was honest. Sometimes life hurts. I don’t think you can get around that. But I’m really glad it was him. I mean… I’m glad he was good to you. You deserve that. You deserve someone who can be good to you.”

 

Though Edward stared down at his hands, he could feel his friend’s eyes on him. “You deserve that too. You know that, right?”

 

Edward flinched. It was a tiny movement, but it was there. “Maybe,” he said because it was what Jasper wanted to hear. He wrapped his arms around his midsection. “Who knows. Maybe someday. Someone with really bad taste.” He didn’t add he thought no one deserved him. There was no point. Jasper would just argue.

 

As it was, Jasper sighed and ruffled Edward’s hair affectionately. “Come on. It’s late. Or early, whatever. We should sleep.”

  
“Yeah.” When they stood, Edward hugged his friend. Jasper was startled, but after a moment, he hugged him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Cat is out of the bag!
> 
> Many thanks to barburella, jessypt, and songster. And thanks to jfka06 as always.


	9. The Why Stage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Shorty chapter buuuut… I think you’ll like it.

Jasper woke up to the pleasant sensation of fingers running through his hair. He sighed and blinked at the sunlight filtering in from the gap in the curtains. The hands stopped, and Jasper’s vision focused.

 

Edward was on his bed.

 

Jasper sat up, startled and confused. He skittered back, away from Edward, sure that he’d done something wrong. He must have crossed some line. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Whoa. Jasper, calm down.” Edward grinned and sat up on his bed. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

Still sure he was missing something, Jasper reached out and touched a tentative hand to Edward’s cheek, testing see if he was real. “Edward? What are you doing here?” More awake now, he tried to orient himself. His eyes were sore as though…

 

Oh. Right. Peter. Jasper’s heart gave a hard twist. Jasper didn’t like having to comfort his friends because it meant his friends had been hurt. Being the one who hurt them was a thousand times worse.

 

His head snapped up as he remembered the rest of his night. He remembered a lot of tears and Edward…

 

He’d told Edward. He hadn’t meant to, but he had.

 

“Sorry to wake you,” Edward said. “My curiosity got the best of me. You should be glad I’m not Emmett. He used to wake me every Christmas morning by pouring ice cold water in my ear.”

 

“I think you’ve told me that story before.” Jasper rubbed the back of his neck and drew himself up to sit cross-legged. “What are you curious about? What was so important you couldn’t wait for, I dunno, breakfast?”

 

Edward shoved his hands in his ever-present hoodie and hunched his shoulders. “I feel like…I don’t know. I feel like Sleeping Beauty.”

 

“You feel like a Disney princess?”

 

“No.” Edward smirked. “I feel like I’ve been asleep for years. You know I was trying to remember Emmett’s wedding the other day? I know I was there. I remember being there, but I don’t remember any details. My brother’s wedding, Jasper. One of the biggest days of his life.” He rocked back and forth just once. “I was supposed to be his best man. Did you know that? We always talked about it when we were growing up. We used to be close.”

 

He shook his head. “Sorry. I’m getting off subject. The point is, I may as well have been asleep. I missed a lot. I don’t know how, but I missed so much. It scares me because how long have you been dealing with this on your own?”

 

Jasper clenched his hands on his knees. He forced a laugh. “You make it sound like I’ve been suffering.”

 

“But that’s exactly my point. Maybe you were. Maybe you are, and I’ve been sitting here, oblivious and useless.”

 

“I’m not suffering. I wasn’t suffering before, and I’m not now. You don’t have to worry about  me.”

 

“Yeah, I do. I should. You worry about me all the time.”

 

“That’s different.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because…” Jasper couldn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t want to have that fight, not right then. Despite his nervousness about where Edward was going with this conversation, Jasper was thrilled. His friend hadn’t been this focused in years. Jasper was used to long silences, to Edward trailing off in the middle of a sentence. Edward still scrambled for words, but he was more present than he had been in a long time. “It’s not a big deal. I’m a pretty happy guy.”

 

Edward raised his head to fix Jasper with a look. “Right. Not a big deal. You said Alice figured out you were gay, that you didn’t want to tell her. You were in the closet. Maybe you were happy, but that is a big deal.”

 

“It really isn’t. Nothing happened. I just… I wasn’t thinking about it, that’s all.” He shook his head. “Come on, Edward. It’s too early for this.”

 

“Yeah. I just… I want to know. I want to know all the things I missed.” He loosed his hand from his hoodie pocket and rested it over Jasper’s tense fingers. “Never mind. Last night obviously sucked for you, and I shouldn’t be pouncing on you now. You wanted breakfast, right? Let me make you breakfast.”

 

“I, um… You don’t have to. I could pick up-”

 

“I’m going to do this. If I were you, I’d tell me what you want to eat or I’m just going to make whatever I want.”

 

“Whatever you feel like.”

 

“Fish heads. I feel like fish heads.”

 

Jasper snorted. “Fine. Fish heads.”

 

Edward grinned and headed for the door, leaving Jasper staring in his wake.

**~0~**

For four years, Jasper had wished and hoped and prayed to every higher power he could think of for something, anything, to bring Edward out of the dark place he was falling further into. Bit by bit, pieces of his best friend fell away, until Jasper was shocked to find how little was left. If anyone had asked him, there wasn’t much Jasper wouldn’t give to bring Edward back to himself.

 

It was a careful-what-you-wish-for situation. Edward seemed to fit four years worth of questions into one week. Jasper figured out early he’d come to depend on Edward being spaced out. That week, he noticed everything.

 

At least, he noticed everything about Jasper. He was still twitchy and bone tired when he came home from work. He still had lapses of memory--he asked Jasper four separate times what Alice would like for Christmas for instance. It was as though Jasper’s sexuality had become the focus of his limited energy.

 

“Jasper?” he asked when they sat down to dinner Friday night.

 

“Hmm?” Jasper didn’t look up from the background research his new job had sent over for him to get acquainted with before he started in another two weeks.

 

“You said if Alice hadn’t pushed you to go out with Peter, you probably wouldn’t have.”

 

“Yeah, who knows. I told you already, I wasn’t thinking about it. Dating, I mean.”

 

“How long have you known?”

 

“How long have I known what?”

 

“That you were gay.”

 

Jasper put down his paperwork. His throat tightened. “Does it matter?”

 

“It matters to me. I was just thinking. It doesn’t sound like it’s new to you. The way you talk about it.” He shifted to bring his feet up on the chair and wrapped his arms around his knees. “I remember what it was like, figuring it out for myself. It wasn’t so calm.”

 

Jasper watched him carefully. He wondered if Edward knew how much his body language changed when his thoughts began to wander anywhere near Aro. “You never told me that. It seemed to come so naturally to you.”

 

“Did it?”

 

“Yeah. I was intimidated.”

 

“What? Why?

 

“Because I’d been grappling with it for a while at that point, and-”

 

“What?” Edward balked. “Jasper… that was ages ago. That was Freshman year.”

 

Jasper snapped his mouth shut, realizing belatedly he’d said too much. “Uh. Yeah.”

 

“So you knew before then?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“When?”

 

Jasper shoved away from the table. “Dammit, Edward. It was forever ago.”

 

“When?”

 

“There’s such a thing as privacy.”

 

Edward flinched backward. “From me?” He winced. “No. Nevermind. That’s not fair. You’re right.”

 

Jasper sat back down and slumped forward on the table, his head on his arms. He mumbled into his shirt.

 

“What?” Edward asked.

 

Jasper raised his head. “High school. I kind of had it figured out in high school.”

 

“Oh.” Silence stretched between them for eons. “I wish you had told me.”

 

Before Jasper could figure out what to say, Edward unwound himself. “Bella brought me a new puzzle today. You want to try it? It’s a crazy amount of pieces.”

 

Jasper laughed. His shoulders sagged with relief. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

**~0~**

“It was high school for me too,” Edward said apropos of nothing. It was still Friday night, almost midnight. They’d both had a few beers.

 

“What?” Jasper blinked. He’d been about to nose-dive right into drowsy, so he was sure he missed something.

 

“Um. When I figured out I was gay. I was in high school too.”

 

Jasper twisted his head to look at his friend. “Why didn’t you tell...” He rolled his eyes. “Right. Pot, kettle. Forget I almost asked.” He drained the last of his beer. “Anyway. So what was it that made you realize? Was it the locker room? I have to tell you, if it was the locker room, I might have to judge you a bit. The pick of the Forks High litter was… well… me.”

 

“It was you.”

 

Sure he’d heard wrong, Jasper gave a his head a hard shake. “What?”

 

Edward laughed, but it was a thin sound. He pushed himself into the corner of the couch. “It was you. I… I guess in Senior year, I started crushing on you.”

 

Jasper stared.

 

“I mean…” Edward laughed again, that same high-pitched, uncomfortable giggle. He began to trip over his words. “I mean, I guess it was the most obvious thing to do, right? We’d been friends forever. I think, I mean, I like you. Obviously. We couldn’t be such good friends if I didn’t. And like you said, you’re… I mean, you know you’re good looking.” He huffed and he drew his legs up. He made himself smaller, like he did when he talked about Aro. “You know what. Forget about it. Let’s forget-”

 

“No.” Jasper reached out to touch Edward’s leg. He squeezed and rubbed his thumb over his friend’s knee. “I was surprised, that’s all.”

 

But the effect of embarrassment and vulnerability had taken hold of Edward. He ducked his head. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable.”

 

“You’re not making me uncomfortable. Come on, look at me, Edward.” Jasper tried to catch Edward’s gaze, but he was pulling away too quickly. He’d come so far in the last week alone, Jasper was desperate to keep him from backsliding. “I… I had a crush on you, too.”

 

Edward’s eyes found his. “What?”

 

Jasper swallowed hard. His heart twisted as though it was unsure whether to gallop ahead or stop beating altogether. “That’s how I knew. That’s why I couldn’t tell you. Because it was you.”

 

They stared at each other. Edward brushed his hand through his hair. Then, Edward folded in on himself. “Oh.”

 

“Edward… I don’t… It doesn’t mean… I mean, don’t let this-”

 

“No. No, it’s okay.” Edward’s voice was soft. He tilted his head up, and his eyes were pained. “I just… I can’t help but wonder.”

 

“Wonder what?”

 

He dropped his gaze. “What would have happened if either one of us had said something then?”

 

Jasper scooted closer, testing the waters. When Edward didn’t pull away, he put his arm around his shoulders. “You have no idea how much I wish I’d told you then.”

 

When Edward looked up again, their faces were close, so close. Jasper’s breath caught. He wanted to move, but he was too afraid. Right then, there was equal money on him kissing his best friend as putting some space between them.

 

Edward swallowed hard. “Jasper?” His voice was reedy, but not in that thin, heartbreaking way. His eyes searched Jasper’s face.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Why didn’t you try dating anyone all these years?”

 

“I, um… Huh?” Jasper’s thoughts were thick. The air around them was heady, and he was confused. This wasn’t what he was used to.

 

Edward wound his finger around the hanging tendril of Jasper’s shirt. “You said you didn’t think about it? Why?”

 

“Oh. Uh… I…”

 

But before Jasper could even try to muster a half-assed answer, Edward surged forward. Jasper let out a cry of surprise as Edward kissed him. He froze, thrown into a surreal world. Was this really happening? But then Edward’s lips pressed again, tentative but searching. Jasper whimpered and kissed him back, the movement just as tentative.

 

As quickly as it began, Edward broke their kiss. He lowered his head and panted hot breaths against Jasper’s neck. It took Jasper a few blissed out seconds to figure out Edward was shaking. It was a small tremor, but it was there. His heart twisted. What had he done?

 

But he hadn’t done it. He never would have. As much as he wanted to, he never would have. He smacked his lips. Beer flavored kisses.

 

“Edward,” he started, but he didn’t know what to say.

 

“Shh.” Edward took a shaky breath, but he rested his head against Jasper’s shoulder. His hand rested lightly on Jasper’s upper leg. “Can we… just like this? For a minute?”

  
Hope sparked at the center of Jasper’s chest. He stroked his hand up and down Edward’s arm. “Yeah. Yeah, as long as you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So! That happened.
> 
> Many thanks to the usual suspects for all their help.
> 
> Good? Bad? Thoughts?


	10. We're In This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ooooh. We all like pretty boy kisses. Glad we’re in agreement on that.

Edward had an uncanny ability to fall asleep no matter what was going on. He hadn’t always been that way. Once upon a time, he spent many a night wide awake because his brain was too active to let him Asleep. As he got older, it seemed like the times his mind should be the most active coincided with the times his body got the most lethargic.

 

Sharing a kiss with his best friend should have kept Edward up all night, but it didn’t. As always, Jasper had been focused on Edward’s well-being. They cuddled on the couch, and when Edward began to nod off, Jasper tilted his head up for a sweet kiss. He suggested they needed to get some rest and pulled Edward with him to his feet.

 

Once Edward got to his room, he’d tried to sort out his spinning thoughts, but it only made him more tired. He was asleep before he consciously realized he was falling, and when he opened his eyes again, it was morning.

 

Edward sat up and shoved his fists into his eyes, rubbing hard. It took a minute for the night before to catch up to him. When it did, his mouth went dry.

 

Shit. He’d kissed his best friend--something he’d dreamt about since puberty hit--and now he had to deal with what that meant. He kissed Jasper, and Jasper kissed him back.

 

Edward glanced at the clock, and he made a startled noise. It was almost noon. How had he slept that long? He stood up and took a step toward the door before his uncertain thoughts caught up with him. He stumbled to a halt and wrung his hands together.

 

What was he going to say? What was he going to do?

 

Well, who was to say Jasper was even awake? Edward crept the rest of the way to the door and eased it open. He started when he realized Jasper was peering out his door in much the same way. They both laughed, a nervous titter, and opened their doors. “Hey,” Jasper said.

 

“Hi.” Edward ducked his head. He might have been annoyed at how bashful he felt, but there was a warm glow at the center of his chest keeping such feelings away.

 

“I’m glad you’re awake.”

 

Edward looked Jasper over with a critical eye. “Did you sleep at all?”

 

“Uh. No. Not really.”

 

It was difficult to swallow with a parched throat. He rubbed at his neck. “I, um… What kept you up?”

 

Jasper held his breath for a second, but then he exhaled with a gust, laughing. “See… I kind of made out with my best friend last night.”

 

“I don’t know if I should have done that. Not because I didn’t… uh… I liked it… a lot. But you’re still on the rebound from Peter. Aren’t you?”

 

His friend shook his head slowly. “Edward… Peter was, in a way, the rebound for you.”

 

“What? How?”

 

Jasper rubbed the back of his neck. “Come on. We should probably sit down.”

 

Edward followed Jasper to the living room. He wasn’t sure what he should do. Was it okay to sit next to Jasper? Did other people know how to act in these situations?

 

Jasper saved him by holding his hand out in an offering. When Edward took his hand, Jasper pulled him down beside him on the couch. He didn’t let go. He dropped his gaze down to their hands as he played with Edward’s fingers. “My crush on you? I never lost it.”

 

“I… what?”

 

Jasper raised his head, his eyes pleading.

 

Edward swallowed hard. “I… you mean from high school?”

 

“Um. Yeah. Yeah, since then.” Edward found himself face to face with the top of Jasper’s head as his friend hurried on. “It’s like I said before, you intimidated me, because you were braver than me.”

 

“Braver.” The word left a bitter taste on his tongue.

 

“Come on, Edward. I’m twenty-two. I’ve known I was gay since I was fourteen, and last week was the first time I’ve ever said those words out loud.”

 

“I thought about that.  I don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me after I told you freshman year.”

 

“Because you told me you were gay and in the next breath, you told me you were in l…”

 

Edward recoiled. He yanked his hand from Jasper’s, his throat tight. Right. The best night of his life. “Okay.” It took some effort to regulate his breathing. “But after. It’s been years.” Bit by bit, as his thoughts unfroze, Edward was increasingly horrified. “Were you… Were you waiting for me?”

 

“I don’t know. I really don’t. It wasn’t a conscious decision, you know? It wasn’t supposed to go on for so many years.” Jasper ran a hand through his hair. “I couldn’t tell you. Not at first. Then, I guess I got used to not thinking about it.”

 

“It?”

 

“My, uh… love life, I guess. That was what Alice made me see. That I wasn't even thinking about relationships."

 

Edward wrung his hands. “And when you saw, instead of telling me how you felt, you tried to… what? Get over me?” The words were awkward. He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the idea there was something to get over.

 

“I didn’t know there was something to get under.”

 

Edward flinched. His heart pounded hard.

 

“Ah, hell. Edward.” Jasper reached a hand out but seemed to think better of it. “I didn’t mean to make it sound like that.”

 

“No.” Edward wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “That’s what we’re talking about, isn’t it? That’s the difference between friendship and…” A wave of dizziness crashed over him.

 

Jasper scooted closer to him. He reached out slowly and rested his hand on Edward’s knee. He squeezed. “What are we talking about?”

 

“I… shit. I don’t know how to do this.”

 

“It’s just me.” Jasper moved his hand to cover Edward’s. “Why don’t you start by telling me why you kissed me, because I gotta tell you, it kept me up last night.”

 

That was what Edward had been trying to reason out when exhaustion hit him the night before. Even then, Edward’s eyelids felt heavier. “I didn’t know I wanted to do it until I did it. But, uh… I mean, it makes sense. Doesn’t it makes sense?”

 

“Edward.” Jasper shifted again. He was close enough now that his leg bumped up against Edward’s. He cupped his cheek, his touch tender. “You need to tell me exactly what you want.”

 

“I…” Edward closed his eyes. It was easier to let the words solidify into thoughts when he could pretend he was dreaming. “I didn’t think about it either. My love life, I mean. I…” He took a deep breath. “It’s pathetic, right? I had one bad experience with, um… with sex, and I’ve been like the kid who scraped his knee once on the jungle gym and won’t get back on.”

 

“That…” Jasper sounded upset for reasons Edward couldn’t figure. “It’s not pathetic. It’s far from. But anyway, you’re still not being clear.” He readjusted his hand on Edward’s cheek, urging him to look up. He only spoke again when Edward opened his eyes. “Is that what you want? With me?”

 

It took a few seconds for Edward to find his voice. He tilted his head against Jasper’s palm. “I do.” His words were barely audible. “I really do.”

 

Jasper leaned in and kissed him. It was a soft, chaste, kiss that only lingered a second before he pulled back, stroking his chin with a reverent touch. “You know, the whole relationship thing… It’s about more than sex.”

 

Edward winced as a sudden memory of Aro hit him. His ex had talked of nothing but sex. It’s what people do when they love each other, Edward. How else will you know how much I love you?

 

He shook his head to rid himself of the unwanted memory. Aro was old news. Jasper was in front of him, kissing him. He didn’t want to acknowledge the terror that went down his spine on the heels of excitement. They mingled, meshed. But he was so sick of being scared all the time, and this was Jasper.

 

“Get real. It’s not like we need to get to know each other first,” Edward said, trying to joke. “It’s natural to want to express how you feel, right?”

 

Jasper tilted his head up with a gentle touch. “Yeah. Yeah, of course, but that doesn’t make sex a foregone conclusion.” He huffed and dropped his hand to Edward’s neck. “We have time. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Yeah. You never have.” Edward’s lips tugged down at the corners.

 

Jasper’s fingers made delicious circles at the nape of Edward’s neck. “Hey.” He grinned. “It was worth it.”

 

“I just… I know I’m a mess, Jasper. I don’t know why anyone would want me for a boyfriend. I mean…” He flushed. “I mean, I don’t know what you would call…” He gestured between them. “I don’t know if you want-”

 

“Has anyone ever told you you talk too much?” Jasper closed the distance separating them and kissed Edward soundly.

 

Edward let Jasper lead. He waited. He expected Jasper to turn their kiss more aggressive, but he didn’t. He waited for Jasper’s hands to wander downward, but they remained tangled in Edward’s hair.

 

Moment by moment, Edward stopped overthinking things. He melted against Jasper and wound his arms around the other man’s body, pulling him closer. He gave himself over, letting his lips take and give… whatever felt right.

 

This felt right. Good.

 

It could have been hours before they had to part. It had been long enough Edward’s mouth tingled at the edges. Still, Jasper didn’t pull away. He leaned his head against Edward’s and peppered kisses about his face.

 

And then he yawned.

 

“Oh, man,” Jasper said around his second yawn.

 

“Am I boring you already?” Edward’s mood was buoyed.

 

Jasper laughed and kissed him again. “Sorry. Long night, remember?”

 

Edward hesitated. “Take a nap.”

 

“I don’t know.” Jasper kissed his cheek. “I feel pretty comfy right here.”

 

It clicked then that this was real. This was happening. And it felt good. It felt better than anything had in a long time… maybe ever. He cleared his throat. “You don’t have to go anywhere. Lay down.”

 

Jasper did. He rested his head in Edward’s lap and sighed with contentedness when Edward began combing his fingers through his hair. He was asleep in minutes. Edward watched him for a while longer before his head bowed and sleep took him too.

**~0~**

Jasper was freaking out. He was giddy as a school boy, but he was also freaking out.

 

After he woke up from his nap--Edward’s fingers still in his hair--they’d gotten around to eating. It was that wonderful kind of awkward with shy smiles and gasps at accidental touches. They’d had so many meals before, and yet none like this.

 

Edward had asked him why a thousand times a thousand different ways. Why did Jasper want him? And that was part of why Jasper was freaking out. Blissful as it was to enjoy Edward’s kisses, he couldn’t pretend he’d just embarked on a normal relationship. The biggest problem with that--and there were many--was that of the two of them, only Jasper was aware of the nature of their issues.

 

He let them have that weekend, but Monday, when he was away from Edward, he couldn’t think through the guilt and uncertainty. He called in sick to work and found himself pacing outside the shop Alice owned. He walked from the parking lot to the front of the shop and back again several times over, trying to convince himself to get in his car and leave.

 

“Jasper?” Mid-trip back to his car, Alice caught up with him. “What are you doing? Honey, you look like a madman. Slow down.”

 

He threw his arms around her tiny form and held her close.

 

“You’re shaking,” Alice said. Her hands rubbed from his lower back up to his shoulders. “You’re scaring me. What is it?”

 

The weight of the secret he’d carried alone for too long had finally gotten too heavy. It was irrational. It hadn’t happened to him, and yet here he was on the verge of a breakdown, as though he were the one who’d been through a great trauma.

 

“Jasper. I can’t understand you.” Alice pulled back and took his face in her hands. “Is there some emergency? Do you need an ambulance or the police? Is someone hurt?”

 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. “I’m fine.”

 

Alice laughed and put her arm around his waist. “Sure you are. Come on. Let’s get you to my office where we can talk.”

 

He let her guide him through the store to her office in the back. She gave him a gentle push, and he slumped down in the chair opposite hers. He leaned forward on her desk, his head cradled in his arms. The only sound in the room for the next few minutes was his erratic breathing and Alice moving around. He raised his head when she set something fragrant near him. “Tea. Hot. Drink.” When he tried to drink too fast and scalded the hell out of his tongue, she clucked. “Slowly. Calm down.”

 

Jasper sipped. After a few minutes he felt calmer. “Thanks. I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t ever apologize for needing a friend.” She rested her hand on the table, palm up. Jasper hated the way his hand shook as he threaded their fingers together. “Now talk to me.”

 

He opened his mouth with every intention to lie, but his tongue tied. He tried again and again found himself scrambling for words. All his breath left him in a long huff, and his shoulders sagged. “I need to tell you something I have no right to tell you.” His throat tightened, and he had to swallow several times before he could speak again. “And I really need you to promise you won’t say anything to anyone.”

 

“Oh… okay.”

 

“I mean it, Alice. No one. Not Bella. Especially not Bella.”

 

“I said okay.” She squeezed his hands. “You can trust me.”

 

“I know. I know I can.” He closed his eyes and took shallow breaths. “Edward… Edward was raped.”

 

Her eyes bulged. “What? Wh-” She stood. “Where is he? We need-”

 

“Not now.” He loved that her immediate response was to help him. “It was a long time ago. His first boyfriend.”

 

“Oh.” Alice sat again and took his hand. “That’s horrible.”

 

“Yeah.” Jasper was dizzy, off balance without the weight of that secret on his shoulders. And once he started, he found he couldn’t stop. He told the story. He told her about his guilt because he should have done something else. Something more.

 

Hadn’t Aro given him the creeps from minute one? He should have told someone.

 

“Jasper. He was your best friend’s boyfriend. How could you have known? How could you have known he would hurt Edward like that? You’re not a mindreader, sweetheart. You did more than so many would when you said something to him.” She stood and made her way around the desk. She took the seat beside him instead, angling her body toward his. “Look at me.” The command was gentle. When he raised his head, she stroked his cheeks, looking him right in the eyes. “This wasn’t your fault.  None of it was your fault.”

 

“I… Oh, God.” Tears took him by surprise. He hadn’t realized until that moment how badly he needed to hear those words. He crumpled forward, letting her wrap her arms around him. She rocked him.

 

“You’re a good man, Jasper. A much better friend than most of us could ever hope to have.”

 

Jasper laughed without humor. “Maybe I was. Maybe I was until two days ago.” He disentangled himself from her arms and sat back in his own chair. He rubbed his hand over his eyes. “I fucked up. I really think I fucked up.”

 

He told her about that weekend and hung his head, waiting for her condemnation.

 

“Is that the end of the story?”

 

Jasper raised his head. “Uh. Yeah.”

 

“Okay. I seem to have missed the part where you fucked up.”

 

He gaped at her. “I… Edward… I have no right trying to do this with him.”

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

“Isn’t it obvious?”

 

“Obviously not.”

 

“Edward… I mean, he has so many issues.”

 

“He does. Which is why it’s ideal for him to be in a relationship with someone who understands things can’t be as…smooth as they might be with someone else.”

 

He stared, trying to process her words. “You think it’s a good idea for Edward to have a boyfriend at all?”

 

“Are you suggesting being raped means Edward can never have a loving, healthy relationship? Like he doesn’t deserve one?”

 

“No! Of course that’s not what I’m saying. He deserves love. He deserves everything.”

 

She rested her hands on his knees. “Of course he does. Jasper, listen to me. From what you’ve told me, this was Edward’s choice. He chose you. He wants you.”

 

“He’s…” Jasper swallowed hard, trying to find the right words. “He’s so damaged. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to make it worse.”

 

“If I could, I would fix the timing of this.” Her hands squeezed and rubbed his knees in a comforting motion, and Jasper was grateful. Her touch kept him grounded. “I wish I could turn back time and find whatever combination of words and situation would have let him get help back then, when it happened. But life never works that way, you know? It never works in the right order.

 

“You can’t make these choices for Edward. You can’t make him see what he doesn’t want to see. You can’t make him get help. You can’t put conditions on your acceptance. That’s your choice, and you have to make it now. Take him as is, or decide now it’s not something you want to deal with.” Her smile was small but genuine. “It’s an understandable choice, you know, to not want to take this on. It won’t be easy. But something tells me you’re up for the challenge.”

 

“He’s not a challenge. He’s not something to be overcome.”

 

“No. He’s not. But this thing that’s taken hold of both of you is.” She stroked his cheeks with a tender touch. “I’m so glad you told me, Jasper. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been to keep this secret all on your own. It explains a lot. So much. About both of you.”

 

“Both of us? Nothing happened to me.”

 

“Yes it did.” She brushed her thumb beneath his eyes, wiping away the remnants of his tears. “It’s such an insidious thing, what happened to him. How could it not get under your skin? It’s why you think you should have been able to stop it. You know, horrible as it is, if some asshole had grabbed him off the street, dragged him into a dark alley, you could have told yourself there was nothing you could do. And maybe, just maybe, Edward might have realized he deserved help. But you met the man. You watched them together. And you’ve blamed yourself for a long time. The ‘what if’ game will drive you crazy if you let it, Jasper.”

 

Jasper looked down. He realized only then he was wringing his hands. It reminded him of Edward. “You really think we can do this?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do. I know you love him. It’s going to take love and patience. You have both. Is he worth it?”

 

“Of course. Of course he is.”

 

“Don’t let him forget it.” She leaned forward and hugged him. “And don’t forget. You’re worth it, too. And you have me now. Anything you need to say, any time you need to vent.  You have me.”

  
He hugged her back, probably too tightly. “Thank you, Alice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So. We’re in this now. No turning back. Are you with me?
> 
> Thanks to my girls and to you, my beautiful readers.


	11. Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay. PSA time. Please feel free to skip. I see it thrown around a lot that Edward needs therapy, and that’s a very true statement. However, I’d like to address this notion that it’s a cure-all or something that should be forced on Edward for his own good. That therapy he will be purged of all this STUFF. This is just plain not true.
> 
> Therapy is not a cure-all. The reason you cannot force someone into therapy is because therapy is motherfucking hard. And exhausting. And terrifying. First you have to find the right therapist, because believe me, you’re probably not going to just walk into the right therapist for you. Then there’s the constant mess of finding the right meds (if meds is part of your journey). There’s the right kind, the right dosage, and in the meantime, your brain chemistry is doing horrific things. And all this before you even get to the healing which involves ripping yourself apart to put yourself back together again. It hurts. A lot.
> 
> You cannot shove someone who isn’t ready down that path. You just can’t. You can tell them over and over you’ll be there for them, that they’re strong enough to face their demons, that they CAN and WILL get better, but you cannot make the choice for them to start that journey. And honestly, insisting that someone needs therapy when it’s not something they want is only insulting and alienating. You're essentially reinforcing the idea that they are not worthwhile human beings until they have fixed their broken pieces.
> 
> Okay. Last you’ll hear of that, I promise. Let’s get back to our story.

The Monday after his first weekend with Jasper, Edward almost called in to work. He would have, except there was a meeting he had to attend or his father would kill him. It was a new project involving another company. Edward’s boss had selected him to be part of a team, and Carlisle had already emphasized to him privately just how important it was he put his best foot forward.

 

The problem was, Edward’s head space was beyond chaotic. Away from the happy bubble he’d existed in that weekend--he and Jasper hadn’t left the apartment at all--his thoughts and worries clamored for attention at once. Exhaustion threatened to keep him in bed that morning, but picturing his father’s disappointed look got him moving.

 

The flipside of that coin was he couldn’t escape his thoughts.

 

What the hell had he done?

 

The one and only thing Edward knew for sure was that he wanted to be with Jasper. It was a realization that had clicked into place with a satisfying snap. It was part of him.

 

It was everything that came with that realization Edward wasn’t sure about. He knew from experience he made a horrible boyfriend. He worried he couldn’t be what Jasper deserved.

 

Then there was the sex thing.

 

All that weekend, he’d waited for Jasper to push further than the sweet kisses they shared. In a lot of ways, it would have been easier. As it was, Edward found himself at the precipice of a cliff, staring down into the water below. The water was calm. All his friends had already jumped and they were fine. Hell, they jumped all the time. Part of Edward, a big part, knew jumping would be exhilarating.

 

He wanted Jasper to touch him. His body ached for it. More than that, he wanted to touch Jasper. He wanted to feel him, see him, all of him.

 

That was the problem with jumping. There was no stopping until you hit the water. Sooner or later, Jasper was going to expect him to be a normal human being. If he didn’t, Jasper--even Jasper--would get tired of him, and then what?

 

What if he had set himself up to destroy years of friendship?

 

By the time five o’clock rolled around, Edward was a bundle of doubt and fatigue. He had to work to keep his eyes open as he drove home. He twisted his hands on the steering wheel, wondering if Jasper was already home.

 

He was. Edward walked in the door to find Jasper sitting on the couch. He paused in the doorway, his stomach twisting with uncertainty.

 

When Jasper looked over at him, Edward was distracted from his doubt. He still wasn’t used to the idea it was okay to find Jasper so attractive. He was a handsome man. More than that, he was beautiful. Fine features. Full lips. Expressive eyes.

 

“Hey, you,” Jasper said. The way his mouth curled up into a wide smile, pleased to see him, made Edward’s cheeks flush hot. “What are you doing hanging out in the doorway?”

 

Edward shook his head. “Been a long day.”

 

“Come here.” Jasper extended his hand as he sat back on the couch and spread his legs.

 

Edward’s lips twitched. His skin itched with anticipation. As eager as he was, as badly as he needed a good neck massage, his stomach twisted with nerves. They weren’t the bad kind of nerves, the kind that made him do stupid things like hide in supply closets. Still, his legs felt a bit wobbly as he closed the distance between them and took his usual seat between Jasper’s legs.

 

This time, Jasper didn’t ask him to talk, and Edward was glad. His headspace was chaotic, and he didn’t know how intelligible he could have been. As with everything else these last few days, things between them were exactly the same and entirely different all at once.

 

Jasper’s touch was familiar, of course. How often had they sat like this? The firm press and knead of Jasper’s fingers along his tense muscles was a welcome relief. As always, the tension of the day melted away. He was safe here.

 

But on the other side, everything was new. Jasper’s fingers against his skin had an incendiary effect Edward thought he had forgotten, or maybe he’d tried to forget. It sent his thoughts into a tailspin because he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was expected of him. He knew what he wanted. He wanted to know what it would feel like for Jasper to replace his fingers with his lips. The thought made his blood run hot.

 

Jasper’s fingertips brushed his neck, and Edward tilted his head. A soft moan escaped his mouth. He pressed his lips together, self-conscious. Did it mean something else? Something more? Something different? Edward wanted things that made him undeniably twitchy in more ways than one.

 

The silence between them was heavy--thick and sultry. Edward waited, his eyes closed. Something was going to happen. Edward felt differently about it each passing second. He was scared. He was eager. He was angry. He was giddy.

 

He felt the heat of Jasper’s breath on his skin. Edward froze. Seconds went by before he felt the press of Jasper’s lips to his neck. Edward held his breath, waiting for the wheel to stop spinning. Where would the arrow land on his wildly swinging spectrum of emotions?

 

Thrill. He was thrilled. Shivers raced down his spine.

 

“Is this okay?” Jasper asked between soft kisses.

 

“Yes. God, yes.”

 

Jasper raised his hand to brush the backs of his knuckles down Edward’s cheek. The touch was so gentle. He traced kisses up the line of his neck and again replaced his fingertips with his lips, this time against his cheek. His hands dropped down to Edward’s shoulders.

 

They stayed like this for minutes. At first, Edward worried. What was he supposed to do? What was his role? But as Jasper kissed him, he whispered against his skin. “Shhh. It’s just me. Just me.” Edward’s worry faded to nothing. There was only sensation.

 

Jasper’s lips at his neck, his cheek, his cloth-covered shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Edward’s front and lifted a hand to cup his cheek. He turned Edward’s head toward him. “Is this okay?” he asked again.

 

Edward didn’t open his eyes. He was breathless. He nodded. A split second later, Jasper claimed his lips. He kept his hand at Edward’s cheek as they kissed.

 

Jasper swept the very tip of his tongue along Edward’s lower lip. Edward tensed and instantly tried to correct. He waited for Jasper to thrust his tongue down his throat. He’d been expecting it all weekend, and now…

 

But Jasper only swept his tongue along his lips again. His thumb worked at Edward’s jaw, caressing. It was on the fourth pass that Edward whimpered with want and the fifth pass before frustration got the better of him. He opened his mouth and pressed the tip of his tongue to Jasper’s. He craned his neck further back as their tongues moved together. He reached his hand back to tangle in Jasper’s hair, pulling him closer. Then it was Jasper who whimpered.

 

Jasper broke their kiss with a strangled cry a few seconds later. He leaned his cheek against Edward’s, his breath ragged. “God, that’s good. That’s really good.”

 

Edward couldn’t help his pleased grin. It took him a minute to place what he was feeling. Smug. Kind of. “You’re blowing smoke up my ass.”

 

“No.” He turned Edward’s head toward him again and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “Look at my face. You think I’m lying?”

 

Edward looked and his breath caught. The light in Jasper's eyes was something he'd never seen before. It was at once tender and powerful. Jasper had been his warmth, his comfort, for so long, Edward couldn’t remember a time when it hadn’t been that way. That look personified everything Jasper had been and everything he was becoming.

 

It was almost more than Edward knew how to deal with.

 

Jasper encircled his arms around Edward’s waist and held him tight against his chest. He rocked them both. Edward was very aware of his hands and how easy it would have been for Jasper to move them lower.

 

Edward closed his eyes. “You can… I mean, it’s just kissing. We can-”

 

“Shhhh.” Jasper kissed the side of his hair. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time, Edward. I’m enjoying taking my time.” He kissed him one more time before he bumped him forward, getting both of them on their feet. “Now come on. I made dinner.”

**~0~**

Edward was in the zone. His fingers flew across the keyboard, his head bobbed in time to the music pumping through his headphones. A ping caught his attention, and Edward smiled before he looked.

 

There was only one person who messaged him. Jasper.

 

You know what I’m going to miss most about this place?

 

The fact you’re surrounded by hot boys?

 

Pffft. Not when I have the hottest boy waiting for me at home.

 

Edward pressed his palms to his hot cheeks, hiding his grin though no one was watching.

 

Okay. What are you going to miss most?

 

Beef jerky. I got it for free, you know. I’m going to miss that.

 

Oh, so the important things.

 

Edward shook his head. As he did, he caught a glimpse of someone out of his peripheral vision. He took his headphones out of his ears and swung his chair around. “Hey, Bella.”

 

Unlike Mike, Bella never surprised him. When he had his headphones in, she approached slowly. When he didn’t, she called his name to get his attention.

 

The look she gave him was strange enough that Edward felt a twinge of self-consciousness. He ducked his head. “What?”

 

“Sorry. It’s just…you’re in a good mood.”

 

“Am I?”

 

She turned so she could sit on the edge of his desk facing him.  “Yeah. You were singing.”

 

“Was I? I’m sorry. That must have been horrible.”

 

“It wasn’t. You have a beautiful voice.”

 

His lips turned up and Bella giggled. “Now what?” he asked.

 

“It’s just… you have a beautiful smile, Edward.”

 

“I don’t think… Um.” Edward shook his head. Jasper had said the same thing, and Edward didn’t believe him either. “You act like you’ve never seen it before.”

 

“Well, I haven’t.”

 

For three simple words, they struck Edward like a punch to the gut. He sucked in a breath and stared at his computer screen.

 

“Oh, Edward. I didn’t mean to upset you. I-”

 

Edward’s humorless laugh cut Bella off. “You don’t have to apologize to me. I know I’m a freak.”

 

“No, that was an annoying thing for me to say. So you don’t smile at everything and everybody. Who cares? Why smile if you don’t feel like it?”

 

Edward laughed again, this time because he’d said--well, yelled-- much the same thing at his mother before when she told him she missed his smile.

 

“Let’s try that again,” Bella said. “You’re in a good mood lately. Anything special going on?” She waggled her eyebrows. “Or anyone special?”

 

And just like that, Edward’s bitterness at his otherness faded away. His smile returned in full force, and Bella’s eyes brightened. “Ah ha! There is someone. Tell me.”

 

At her question, an eager energy spread through Edward’s veins. He sat up straighter. He lifted his head and squirmed in his seat like a dog with a treat on his nose. Everything, all his happiness, wanted to bubble over. He wanted to talk. No, he wanted to gush.

 

“Come on. It’s just me,” she said.

 

Edward glanced out at his coworkers across the cubicle. Bella got the point quickly. She stood and offered him her hand. “We’ll go to my office.”

 

When they were safely behind closed doors, it took little prodding from Bella before Edward was spilling the whole story of the past week.

 

Talking about Jasper was easy. Edward couldn’t really say what made him kiss his best friend in the first place. It was as though his psyche had been waiting for that green light--that confirmation Jasper was even a possibility--and the only way he could express himself, express his attraction and love, was with a kiss. It was pure instinct. Jasper had been a constant in his life. His best friend. His only friend. The only one who understood him and accepted him as is. Making Jasper his lover, even if only in the most minimal of ways, was the next obvious step.

 

But as Edward carried on like the lovesick fool he was, he revealed bits and pieces of his own pathetic behavior. Hearing his story out loud made the situation sound terrible for Jasper. He tripped over his words until he stumbled to a halt. He stared down at her desktop, his heart heavy, and twisted his hands in his lap. He waited for Bella to tell him what he already knew. He was bad for Jasper. It wasn’t fair of him to do this.

 

“That’s great, Edward. I’m really happy for you. For both of you,” Bella said.

 

He raised one eyebrow and stared up at her from underneath his eyelashes. “Don’t you think he’s… I don’t know… out of my league?”

 

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

 

“Look at me and look at him.”

 

She tilted her head and studied him, her eyes piercing. Edward had to drop his gaze again. He braced himself for the inevitable moment she would realize what so many of his friends had before: he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth her time and certainly not worth Jasper’s.

 

“Am I missing something?” she asked. “I see a productive member of society. A good friend. A caring friend. You’re handsome and smart. You know how to cook. I mean… Unless you’re running a child slavery ring I don’t know about, why wouldn’t you be a good match for Jasper?  You two have been friends forever. That’s the best kind of relationship if you ask me.”

 

Edward stared. He could see she meant it. She meant every word.

 

She stared right back at him, her expression challenging. “Why do you think you’re so bad for him.”

 

“Just look at me.” He gestured helplessly. “I’m a mess. I have issues that are just… stupid.”

 

“Edward, all of us have something going on. We all have our quirks, our annoying habits and phobias and… whatever. Jasper isn’t perfect. You love and accept him, imperfections and all. That’s the point of relationships, or it should be. You find the person who loves and accepts you. All of you. The person who will walk by your side and help you grow. As far as I can see, you and Jasper already do that for each other. You have for years. You might as well get the sex out of it.”

 

Edward flinched at the word sex, but it was only a momentary pause. That was a whole other issue, and there was no way in hell he was going to go there with Bella. He let the rest of her message percolate in his head.

 

“I think you’ll be good for each other,” Bella said. “Anything that makes you smile that way is worth a chance.”

 

“I just… I don’t want to mess this up. Losing Jasper…” Edward swallowed hard and shook his head. “I can’t. I just can’t.”

 

“It’s a risk. I’m a realist. I’m not going to sit here and tell you it can’t end ugly, because no one can make that promise. Honestly, even if things didn’t work out, I can’t imagine it would destroy you two. You’ve got to be the sweetest boys I’ve ever met. But yeah, it’s a risk. That’s life. That’s living. You can stick your head down and survive. One-celled organisms can do that. You want to live, you take a chance. Them’s the breaks.

  
“But I’ll tell you something, Edward. Risks are usually worth it, and what’s more, you deserve it. Happiness and love. You deserve all of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks as always to my girls, songster, jessypt, and barburella for being too good to me. Thanks to jfka06 for being my personal cheerleader “Gimmie an A-N-G-S-T!”
> 
> PS. As a side note, Kris & I are taking a poll. How many of you have used the phrase “called in to work” as compared to “called in sick to work”? -jfka06


	12. Can't Catch a Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey, Friday, how ‘bout you? Well, I mean, I still have two hours left of Thursday but close enough. Anyway. Merry weekend.

Jasper was happy. More than happy, he was content.

 

To his great surprise, he returned home from his last day at work to his darkened apartment. He fumbled for the light switch, already worried about where Edward could be, and when he flipped on the lights…

 

“Surprise!”

 

Fifteen or so of his friends were waiting under a “Congratulations, Jasper” banner. His eyes went straight to Edward, standing with a satisfied smile close to Bella but part of the crowd. He surged forward to take his hand and didn’t leave Jasper’s side all night.

 

They were a couple. Together. In front of people. Jasper hadn’t thought as far as this scenario. He was taking things minute to minute, day to day, and Edward wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. Jasper had gone out with Peter, but he’d never been out amongst all his friends with his boyfriend holding his hand.

 

And kissing his cheek.

 

And kissing his lips.

 

Edward wasn’t against PDA’s. He hadn’t been before either, and Jasper found he was glad that one trait remained. His boyfriend was beautiful, and he liked that everyone in the room knew whom he belonged to.

 

Perhaps ironically, Edward taking his hand was the way Jasper came out to some of his oldest friends. There was surprisingly little drama there. There was a smattering of gasps, someone cried, “I knew it!” and that was that.

 

As the party wore on and the drinks flowed like water, one by one, his friends passed out over the couches and chairs and then in Jasper’s bedroom. Jasper grumbled as he looked at the pair in his bed, thankful at least they weren’t naked.

 

Edward twined his fingers with Jasper’s. “You can sleep with me.” The offer was shy, but when Jasper looked, his eyes sparked with want.

 

“You’re sure that’s okay?” Jasper asked anyway.

 

“Yeah. We’ve slept together before.” He leaned in to nuzzle Jasper’s cheek with his nose. “It would probably be more fun this time.”

 

A thrill went down Jasper’s spine, and he bit his tongue to keep a moan from slipping out. It was such a turn on when Edward took initiative. That was part of the problem. Jasper had always found Edward hot. Confident Edward was a force to be reckoned with. It made it difficult for Jasper to keep his head.

 

He pressed a kiss to the tip of Edward’s nose before he kissed him full on. “Okay. Let’s sleep.”

 

Sleep was all Jasper intended, but again, his boyfriend was beautiful.

 

Edward was all shy smiles, his cheeks a hectic pink when Jasper emerged from the bathroom dressed for sleep. He usually wore only boxers, but he’d pulled on an old pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt instead. Edward used the strings to pull him forward. Jasper wrapped his arms around him, just enjoying the idea he could hold Edward like this. He took Edward’s face in his hands and kissed him.

 

And then he couldn’t stop. Of course he couldn’t stop. As much as he was trying to be careful, he was about to go to bed with his sexy boyfriend. His mind wanted to do anything but sleep.

 

When they were both breathless, Jasper broke their kiss. He leaned his forehead against Edward’s and panted. He licked his lips and shook the cloud of lust from his head. “Sleep. We should sleep.”

 

“Uh sure. We have a whole lot of nothing to do tomorrow.” There was a hint of wild mischief in Edward’s eyes as he looked at Jasper. He closed the small distance between them, his kiss urgent. He tangled his fingers in Jasper’s shirt and pulled him closer.

 

Jasper groaned. He kept his arms around Edward as he stepped backward. He sat on the bed, bringing Edward down beside him. Jasper cupped his cheek, and as they continued to make out, he let his hand drift downward slowly. His neck. His arm. He spread his hand over Edward’s chest and down to his stomach. He let his hand drift down further to his upper thigh.

 

Edward tensed and Jasper stopped. This time it was Edward who broke their kiss. He ducked his head and buried his face at Jasper’s neck. “Fuck.” He shook under Jasper’s hands.

 

“It’s okay.” Jasper moved his hands around to Edward’s back, but he pulled away.

 

“No.” He blew out a huff of breath and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’m just… stupid.”

 

“Shh. No you aren’t.”

 

Edward held his hands out. “Look at me.” He sounded so frustrated. Jasper didn’t have to look to know his hands were trembling.

 

“You’re fine. Everything is fine.” He brushed his fingers through Edward’s hair. “Let’s just go to sleep.”

 

“I don’t want to sleep,” Edward said through gritted teeth. He swallowed hard and looked up at Jasper. His eyes were angry and sad at once. “I want you. I want this. I just…” He gestured helplessly. “I psyched myself out about… all this a long time ago, and I can’t undo it.”

 

Jasper bit the inside of his cheek. There wasn’t much he hated more than the way Edward blamed himself for everything that had happened to him. Edward was fully aware his problems had started with Aro, but he thought it was his own weakness that had sent him on this spiral.

 

But right then, Jasper’s main concern was stemming Edward’s frustration. He cupped the back of Edward’s head and pulled him forward. Edward didn’t respond right away, but Jasper was patient. He kissed his nose, his cheeks, the skin under his eyes. He stroked his hand up and down Edward’s back, feeling the beat of his heart slow.

 

Edward sighed and turned his head a fraction of an inch so their lips touched. Jasper smiled. He flicked his tongue against Edward’s mouth and was happy when he let him in easily.

 

After a minute or so of that, when Jasper was sure Edward wasn’t brooding -- or at least was mostly not brooding -- he scooted back on the bed. Still holding Edward’s hand, he laid back. “Come here.”

 

He left his invitation open to interpretation. Edward could have curled up against him and gone right to sleep. Jasper wouldn’t have pushed him further. They both knew it.

 

Edward tilted his head as he studied Jasper. His mouth hung slightly open, his shoulders rising and falling with his sharp breaths. He twisted so he was on his knees on the bed and then crawled to Jasper’s side. His face was pale. He took a deep breath and straddled Jasper’s hips.

 

Whatever he’d been expecting, it was not that. Jasper gasped. His hands went to Edward’s sides and he held him tightly to still his movements, but the effect was instant. Edward’s hot weight resting against his crotch was, in and of itself, too much stimulation. He closed his eyes, Edward’s name falling from his lips on a breath. “I don’t… We…”

 

Edward exhaled. His breath was shaky. “Let me touch you.” He rested his hands on Jasper’s chest.

 

Jasper opened his eyes and lost his breath again. It was such an alluring sight, Edward atop him, his beautiful face looking down. There was color to his cheeks again, and his eyes weren’t scared. There was some anxiety there, he thought, but he wanted to let Edward lead. Aside from that, every nerve in his body seemed to ache, begging for Edward’s touch. He nodded and flexed his fingers around Edward’s waist.

 

Edward scooted back so he was sitting on Jasper’s legs. He drew his hands down Jasper’s chest. As he worked his hands under his shirt, Edward leaned down to capture a trio of quick kisses.

 

It was amazing how sure his hands were as they moved over Jasper. Amazing and slightly unnerving for the few brief seconds of coherent thought Jasper could manage before Edward pressed his palm against his cloth-covered cock. He rubbed in a circular motion with one hand, keeping the other playing at Jasper’s nipple. He knew what he was doing. He knew exactly what he was doing.

 

Jasper tried to keep his reactions in check, but soon enough, Edward had him writhing, whimpering, and begging under his palm. “Oh God. Oh man.”

 

“You like that?” Edward’s smile crept up another degree. He leaned over again, this time angling his body in the other direction so he could get at the lotion he kept there. “I think you might like this even more.”

 

Edward pulled Jasper’s sweatpants down enough to let his cock bounce free. “Fuck,” Jasper said between clenched teeth as Edward wrapped a hand, cool with the lotion, around his length. He stroked him, the movement languid, as he moved his other hand to cup his balls. Jasper’s hips bucked up. He moaned.

 

“Christ, Jasper. You’re so thick.”

 

Jasper’s eyes rolled back in his head. It was hardly even filthy, but those words coming from Edward’s mouth were incredibly errotic.

 

“You feel good.” Edward stroked him and ran his thumb over the head of his cock. He worked his thumb around the underside of the corona even as he flicked the fingertip of his other hand between Jasper’s balls. “I’m going to make you feel good.”

 

“I think you--ungh. Fuck. I think you’re succeeding.”

 

Edward’s grin was broad then, and Jasper was stunned by his beauty. How long had it been since he’d seen that smile? Edward’s eyes were dilated, dark with lust. He was obviously enjoying the ridiculous little noises Jasper made.

 

It didn’t take long at all before Jasper was thrusting up into Edward’s hand.

 

“Come for me, baby. I want to see you. I want to see you come for me.”

 

Jasper could only make a whining noise at the back of his throat. He was beyond words then. Too close to the edge of orgasm. Edward’s strokes reached that perfect, fevered pace, and Jasper’s vision went white.

 

When he remembered how to breathe and work his eyelids again, Jasper opened his eyes to find Edward’s smug face beaming down at him. Edward leaned over the bed and grabbed a t-shirt from the floor. He used it to clean them both up. Jasper gasped. He was sensitive to touch.

 

When he was done, Edward helped Jasper pull his pants back up and laid at his side. Jasper swallowed, trying to reorient himself again. “I um… I can-”

 

“No,” Edward said too quickly. “It’s okay. I want that to be for you.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah. I want you to be satisfied.”

 

His choice of words disturbed Jasper. “I want you to be satisfied, too.”

 

“I am.” Edward smiled that radiant, wide smile again. “That was hot, seeing you like that.”

 

“Was it?”

 

“Yeah. You have a good o-face.”

 

“Ah. Well, that’s a relief.” He drew his fingers up and down Edward’s side, not to stimulate but because he wanted the intimate contact.

 

Edward closed the distance between them, sharing a lingering but chaste kiss before he pulled back. They both moved only enough that they could climb under the covers. “Goodnight,” Edward said.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

After Edward fell asleep, Jasper replayed the scene. Hot as it was, there were a few things that didn’t sit well with him. It chafed to know that Edward was so sure of what he was doing because he had learned from Aro, but that wasn’t what bothered him most.

 

Jasper knew Edward harbored this idea that sexual pleasure was tantamount to a happy relationship. He couldn’t shake the feeling Edward wanted to bring him to orgasm not only because he wanted to touch Jasper, but because he thought it was his duty to keep him satisfied. He didn’t seem to have a concept of mutual pleasure or at least, he seemed to put Jasper’s pleasure ahead of his own.

 

If Edward had gotten him off in order to forestall sex, had he gotten used to doing that with Aro?

 

Had he done it until Aro wasn’t satisfied with a handjob?

 

Jasper’s stomach twisted. He closed his eyes against his fury. He hated how that repulsive man was a presence in the room, in their bed, in every day of their lives. He should have been able to enjoy a little sexy play with his boyfriend without having to think about the man who hurt him. He shouldn’t have to question his every move and Edward’s every motive.

 

Edward, fast asleep and peaceful, sighed and rolled over. He curled against Jasper, resting his head on his shoulder. Jasper smiled and brought a careful hand to rest around Edward’s waist. He pressed a kiss to Edward’s forehead and let his fury slip away.

 

It was enough that he knew Edward wanted to be here with him, like this. They would work everything else out.

**~0~**

The next week was hectic. Jasper was getting used to his new job. Edward worked overtime getting things together for the new project. The other company’s team was coming in that Friday. They would have dinner late and fall asleep in one of their beds, arms wrapped around each other, legs tangled, making out until they fell asleep. Once, Edward’s hands drifted lower, but Jasper distracted him quickly enough.

 

Jasper had plans for that weekend. They would have to talk, but it could be good. Jasper just needed to be sure they were on the same page with the idea of mutual satisfaction. He wanted to stress that he didn’t want to get off as long as Edward wasn’t getting off.

 

Well. Maybe there would still be solo time in the shower, but that wasn’t something Edward needed to know.

 

That Friday night, Jasper got home first. He made dinner--all Edward’s favorites--and made sure there was beer in the fridge and dessert in the freezer.

 

Edward was running later than usual. Jasper texted. When he didn’t get a text back, he called. Edward didn’t pick up. An unsettling feeling took residence in the pit of Jasper’s stomach. He tapped his fingers on the table and called again. No answer.

 

Something was wrong. Jasper was sure of it. He considered getting in his car to drive to Edward’s work. He tried to tell himself he was overreacting about nothing, but still, it was unusual for Edward not to text back. He was good about that kind of thing.

 

Just as he decided for sure, Edward came in the door.

 

Jasper huffed out a sigh of relief. “You scared me,” he said as he pulled Edward into a hug. “You weren’t answering your phone.”

 

It took Jasper a minute to figure out that Edward wasn’t answering. More than that, he was standing ramrod straight. “Edward?” Jasper pulled back and gasped at what he saw.

 

Edward’s face was bone pale. His shoulders trembled as though he were cold, but he was wearing both his hoodie and a thicker jacket. Neither of those things was what made Jasper’s stomach drop down to his shoes. It was the look in Edward’s eyes that had him frozen. His eyes were vacant. He stared off at some fixed point in the distance, as though he wasn’t aware he was in the room at all.

 

Jasper knew that look. It was the look Edward had worn for weeks following the last incident with Aro. It was the look he’d worn on the very worst of four years worth of bad days.

 

“Edward.” Jasper took Edward’s face in his hands and tried to guide his head up. Edward still didn’t look at him, so Jasper gave him a quick shake. “Hey. Edward. Talk to me. Are you okay?” What a stupid question. He moved his hands to either side of Edward’s eyes. “Edward.”

 

Edward blinked. He pulled in a sharp breath. It was as though he’d forgotten to keep breathing. His eyes focused, though he looked dazed. “Hey.” His voice was barely there.

 

“Hey,” Jasper said. He stroked one hand back through Edward’s hair. “What happened?”

 

More blinking. “What?”

 

Jasper’s stomach twisted. This was bad. Edward obviously couldn’t concentrate on one simple question. Again, it was how he had been at his very worst. “Did something happen at work?”

 

“Work.” Edward looked off again.

 

“Okay,” Jasper said, mostly to himself. He took Edward’s hand and led him the couch.

 

Before he could try again, Edward spoke. “The team from the other company, Volturi Inc., was introduced today.”

 

Scenarios played out in Jasper’s head one after another. Had one of them approached Edward? Had there been some kind of altercation? He looked his boyfriend over with a surreptitious glance, trying to spot any bruises. Edward wasn’t showing much skin with what he was wearing. “Did someone bother you?”

  
Edward swallowed several times before he could speak again. “A… Aro’s with them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburella, songster, jessypt, and jfka06. 
> 
> Um. Hi.


	13. There Are No Words For This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Tread lightly, my friends. If you start to feel uncomfortable and need to ask me questions, I will answer them. *holds your hands*

Edward rested with his head on Jasper’s lap. Jasper was running his fingers through his hair. It was one of the most soothing feelings Edward had ever known. He wanted to stay like this forever. Right here in this spot. He wanted to pretend nothing else in the world existed.

 

“Edward?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Did Aro see you?”

 

The question confused Edward. “What? Yes. Yeah. He… I mean… he was with the group.” He laughed, or he tried to. “Small world, isn’t it? I guess it had to happen sometime. I had to run into him sometime.”

 

“Did he say anything to you?”

 

“He smiled. He smiled at me. Is that strange? He looked… He looked h-happy to see me. He’s fine with it. He’s fine with everything. Everything I did, and he smiled at me.”

 

Jasper’s hand stopped. “Everything you did?”

 

“I was an idiot. Instead of dealing with the whole sex thing like a fucking adult, I just got all… weird.”

 

Jasper cupped his cheek and turned Edward’s face to him. Anger sparked in his eyes, and his jaw was tense. “Edward. You didn’t do anything to him.”

 

“It was immature.”

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. He-”

 

Edward sat up and turned his back to Jasper. “Don’t start that again. I told you. It was my fault. I know why you think… the way you think. I didn’t mean to freak out the way I did. It was childish and stupid.”

 

“This isn’t. Your. Fault.” Jasper let out a sigh that was more of a growl. “You should tell your dad-”

 

“I’m not telling him anything,” Edward snapped.

 

Jasper splayed his hand over his back. Edward flinched, but he didn’t pull away. “Listen to me. Just tell him to take you off the project.”

 

“No.” Edward stood and began to pace. “I’m not going to do that. It’s immature. What? I can’t handle being around my ex, and I’m going to make it an issue at work? What am I, twelve? My father would think I was acting like a freak again, and he’d be right.” He clapped his hands over his ears. He took deep breaths. “This isn’t a big deal. It’s work.”

 

“Edward-”

 

“No. Forget it. Forget I said anything. It’s not a big deal. I’ll handle it.”

 

“Hey. Hey.” Jasper caught him by the waist. He leaned forward and tilted his head against Edward’s. He stroked his fingers through Edward’s hair and down his neck. “Okay. Okay. It’s fine.”

 

Edward clutched Jasper’s shirt. He closed his eyes. He was agitated and part of him was mad at Jasper for it. Sometimes, Edward thought Jasper enabled him. He shouldn’t tolerate Edward’s freakish behavior. Aro hadn’t done anything wrong. Edward was wrong for making a big deal out of it then and now.

 

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt,” Jasper said.

 

Edward clenched his teeth. He wasn’t a little boy. He was a grown man, and Jasper shouldn’t feel like he had to look out for him. He backed up a pace so he could look at him. Jasper was watching with a cautious expression, as though he was waiting for Edward to explode or faint or something.

 

Because Edward was unstable.

 

He was tired of it. Jasper was his boyfriend not his babysitter.

 

Edward pulled Jasper to him and kissed him hard. Jasper let out a muffled cry. He raised his hands in the air as though he didn’t know what to do with them. He shook his head and broke the kiss. “Edward? What are you doing?”

 

“What does it look like?” He pushed Jasper backward so he fell back on the couch and straddled him. “It’s Friday night. I don’t want to think about work.” He didn’t let Jasper argue. He leaned down to keep his lips busy.

 

Jasper whimpered into Edward’s mouth. He was hesitant at first, not responding to Edward’s kiss though his fingers played at Edward’s waist. He sighed and then brought his hands up as he began to kiss back.

 

Slowly, the tension faded from Edward’s body. He shivered. Jasper’s hands working over his back, up into his hair sent delicious chills up his spine. This was good. This was perfect.

 

After a few more minutes, their kisses slowed, calmed. Jasper pulled back and brushed his fingers down Edward’s cheek. “Are you hungry?”

 

Edward was about to say no, but then he realized his stomach was painfully empty. He hadn’t eaten lunch. “I am, actually.” He slid back, off Jasper’s lap.

 

“Come on. I made dinner.” Jasper offered his hand, and Edward took it.

**~0~**

All things considered, the weekend had been a good one. Edward hadn’t thought about work at all. He kept himself busy with Jasper. Actually, Jasper kept him busy.

 

That Saturday, Jasper had announced they were going on a road trip. A random adventure. They hadn’t really been anywhere since Tennessee, and Edward couldn’t figure why not, so off they went. They couldn’t go far. Jasper couldn’t call in sick to a brand new job. Jasper had them driving well into the night on Saturday which meant they spent the majority of Sunday driving back.

 

Now it was Monday.

 

The closer Edward got to work, the quicker his heart began to pound. He ignored it at first, until it was impossible. His throat closed. He broke out in a cold sweat. When he got to the parking garage, he stood for minutes by his car. When he finally found the will to move his feet, his shoes might as well have been made of lead. He kept his head down, but he cast his eyes about the garage. He knew whom he was looking for, but he didn’t dare think the name.

 

Edward told himself repeatedly he was being ridiculous, but it didn’t seem to stop him. Somehow, he made it into the office. Since it had taken him so long to get to work, he was almost late. His boss grabbed him as he came in the door.

 

“Come on. Meeting in the conference room,” she said.

 

The rest of the team was already gathered. They were going to be working with the team from Volturi. The idea made Edward’s head spin.

 

“I’m going to need one of you to volunteer to put together this monstrosity.” She waved a stack of papers way too thick for anyone’s comfort. “We’re talking copy, sort, staple. You know. The most fun a gal can have at the office. So one of you lucky, lucky people is going to get to spend the rest of the day putting one of these together for every member of the team.”

 

“I’ll do it,” Edward said too loudly.

 

The room turned to stare at him, and Edward shrunk in his seat.

 

“Eager to spend the day squirreled away in the copy room, huh?” His boss looked amused.

 

“I, um. Yeah, I like the quiet sometimes.” He shrugged.

 

“Well. Merry Christmas.”

 

Edward felt calmer in the copy room.  He put his in earbuds and set about his task.  He got into a rhythm of sorting, copying, and stapling.  

 

As he stood over the copier, a firm hand pressed against the small of his back.  He gasped and yanked his earbuds out.  Before he could turn, a body pressed into his personal space.  Edward froze, his hands gripping against the copier.

 

“Hello, Edward.”

 

Aro was standing so close, Edward could feel the heat of his breath on the back of his neck.  He flinched as a memory hit him.  He remembered Aro’s weight on him, his ragged breaths hot against Edward’s skin as he drove into him again and again.

 

Edward’s skin crawled.  He jerked to the side and stumbled backward.  He hit the back wall and stood stock still, like a cornered animal.

 

Aro looked amused.  “I didn’t mean to startle you.”  He took a step forward.  If he noticed Edward flinch, he didn’t show it.  “You left so quickly on Friday, we didn’t get a chance to chat.”

 

“I, um… I had somewhere to be.”  Edward’s voice shook as he spoke.  His eyes darted from Aro to the door.  His heart beat too fast.  The door was closed.

 

Aro grinned and stepped closer.  “It’s very good to see you.  When I heard we were working with your father’s company, I so hoped I’d get a chance to see you.”

 

Edward hunched his shoulders as Aro drew closer.  The space was too small, too crowded.  There was nowhere for him to go.  Some part of him screamed that he was being ridiculous.  That part was the only thing keeping him from shoving Aro out of the way. “It … it’s been a while.”

 

Aro tilted his head and studied Edward. “Are you nervous?  There’s no need for that.”  He reached out to squeeze Edward’s arm.  “It’s only me.”  He stroked the back of his fingers up and down Edward’s arm.  “I know we didn’t part on the best of terms, but I’m not angry.  I have nothing but good memories of you.  We had some good times, you and I.  Didn’t we?”

 

It wasn’t really a question, it was a prompt.  Edward scrambled to remember how to speak.  It was difficult to think around the voice in his head screaming, ‘Don’t touch me,’ in a continuous loop.  “I … we … yes.”  Edward looked down at their shoes.  “Yeah.  Sure.  Yes.”

 

Aro took another step.  He was close to Edward, too close to be considered polite.  “I’ve thought of you a lot.  We should go out.”

 

Before Aro could brush his cheek with his fingertips, Edward couldn’t stop himself from jerking away.  “I’m with someone now,” he blurted.  “I have a boyfriend.”

 

Aro chuckled.  “I only meant to talk, silly.”  He reached out to ruffle Edward’s hair. “Dramatic as always, Edward. Invite him, if that would be better for you. I know how to deal with jealous boyfriends.” He leaned against the wall too close to Edward for comfort. “So do tell me about this guy.”

 

By that point, Edward was having trouble controlling his trembling.  His fists were balled at his side, his fingernails digging into the tender flesh of his palm.  He wanted out of that room, but his thoughts were scattered.  It didn’t matter how much he tried to tell himself not to be a freak.  It wasn’t going to work for much longer.

 

“I… “ He began, but the door opened.  Edward had never been happier to see Mike Newton in his life.

 

“Whoa, hey, Edward.  Hey... new guy.”  Mike looked from Edward to Aro.  “Hope I’m not … er … interrupting.  Just need to make a copy.”

 

Aro pushed off the wall.  The second he put a respectful amount of distance between them, Edward bolted.  He brushed by Aro and Mike, out into the open hallway.  The air felt cold on his clammy skin as he all but sprinted down the hall.

 

Edward found himself in Bella’s office before he could shake the fog of panic from his thoughts.

 

Bella stood as he closed the door. “Edward? Oh my god, what’s wrong?” She was at his side in an instant.

 

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

 

“It’s obviously not nothing.” She had his arm around him. “You look like crap. And you’re shaking. Did something happen?”

 

“No.” Edward shook her off and began to pace. “I just…” I couldn’t even handle being in the same room with my ex because I’m that pathetic. Even after four years, even though I’m completely in love with my best friend, I still fall apart. His shoulders sagged, and Edward grumbled, disgusted with himself. “I just didn’t feel well.”

 

“And you decided to come in here to hurl instead of the bathroom?”

 

Edward sunk down in the chair opposite hers. He rubbed his forehead, his skin covered in a sheen of sweat. There was a block of ice in his stomach far too big for him to get out so easily. “I’m not going to hurl.”

 

“Seriously, Edward. You look like hell.” She pressed the back of her hand against his forehead. “You don’t have a fever… But maybe you should go home.”

 

“Home.” There were a lot of reasons Edward shouldn’t go home. He had a job to do. He wasn’t actually sick. He was going to let people down. And really, it was pitiful. Running away?

 

“I’ll take you myself. You’re in no shape to drive.”

 

“Yeah… Yeah. Okay.”

**~0~**

Edward was sitting on the couch in the living room, his legs drawn up to his chest, deep in thought when Jasper came home. He looked up when Jasper called his name.

 

"How long have you been home?"

 

"Ten-ish. I think."

 

“This morning?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Jasper walked toward him, each step careful. "Are you okay? Did something happen? Did Aro do something?"

 

Edward grimaced. "It was my fault."

 

"What happened?" Jasper came to sit beside him.

 

“He surprised me. I should have known by now not to have my headphones in.” Edward told a very quick version of the story.

 

“He doesn’t get to touch you like that, Edward.”

 

“He didn’t do anything.”

 

“That doesn’t matter. He-”

 

“Whatever.” Edward waved his hand. “I don’t want to talk about him.” He stood up and took Jasper’s hand.

 

“What are you doing?” Jasper asked as Edward pulled him to his feet.

 

Edward felt a rush of annoyance on the heels of a twisting nerves. It should have been obvious. He should have been able to do this without getting panicky. “Just come here.”

 

Jasper followed, nice enough not to mention Edward’s hand was clammy. Edward pulled them into his room and stood. His mouth was dry. He was so sick of this. He was sick of his nerves and his cowardice. He was in love with Jasper, and he wanted to show it. He just needed to get this over with. He needed to show his stupid brain there was nothing to fear, especially not from Jasper.

 

Stepping backward, out of Jasper’s hold, Edward pulled his shirt off.

 

“Edward. What are you-”

 

“Shhh.” Edward sat on the edge of the bed. He hooked his fingers into Jasper’s belt and pulled him forward. He swallowed sporadically and tried to ignore how his fingers trembled as he undid Jasper’s belt and pulled it from its loops.

 

Jasper cupped his hand along the underside of Edward’s jaw. “Oh, God. Edward. We need-” He cut off with a strangled moan as Edward slid his hand up under his shirt. “We need to talk about this before… before… yeah.”

 

Though he groaned first, Jasper grabbed Edward’s wrists to still his actions. “I, um…” Jasper licked his lips. “It can’t always be me. I… It should be mutual. This whole… thing. It should be mutual.”

 

“Yeah.” Edward swallowed again and slid back on the bed. He turned his hand so he could grip Jasper’s wrist, and he pulled Jasper forward as he laid back. “That’s what I was getting at.”

 

He gave a tug hard enough that Jasper fell forward. He caught himself on one hand. His eyes were dilated, heady with what looked like lust as he leaned over Edward. He let out a shaking breath. “Edward, we need to talk about this.”

 

“I don’t want to talk.” Edward looped his arms around Jasper, pulling him down. Jasper groaned. He tried to pull away, but Edward held him fast. Giving in, Jasper ducked his head to catch Edward’s lips.

 

Edward opened his mouth to Jasper’s tongue, sighing as he acclimated to his weight on him. He scooted back again and Jasper followed him. Edward ran his hands up and down Jasper’s back. He thrust his hips up.

 

Jasper gasped and rolled over, away from Edward, onto his back. “Fuck.” His breaths were heavy. “Hold on. You gotta…” He closed his eyes tight. “You gotta give me a second.”

 

He was turned on. All the way on. Edward could see it. His throat closed and his head spun, but he shook that away.

 

This was right. This was fine.

 

“You don’t have to stop,” Edward heard himself say.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I really do.” Jasper’s breath was almost steady. “We need to talk. We just need to talk about this before-”

 

“Jasper,” Edward said his name to interrupt him. “Look, I know I’m fucked up, okay?”

 

“Edward-”

 

“No. Shut up. You can’t argue with that. You had no problem messing around with Peter, but you won’t touch me.”

 

“It’s not like that. I-”

 

“I’m not a complete idiot. You’re being careful with me.” He traced patterns across Jasper’s chest, looking down as he spoke. “I have a mental block, or whatever you want to call it. Well, how the hell am I supposed to get over it? I want you. I want to be with you.”

 

Jasper reached up to trace his finger along Edward’s jaw. He looked conflicted. Edward lay down beside him, pressing a kiss to his cheek before he rolled from his side onto his back. There was only the sound of their breaths in the quiet room.

 

After what felt like an eon, Jasper turned to his side and propped himself up on his elbow. He pressed his thumb to the divet of Edward’s chin, staring down at him with adoration. He leaned down and kissed him sweetly. “I need you to promise me something.”

 

“What?”

 

“You want me to stop. You feel too uncomfortable. You tell me. It stops.”

 

Edward recoiled, but he corrected. The ghost of a memory threatened, but he quashed it as quickly as it came.

 

“Promise you’ll tell me,” Jasper said again.

 

“I will. I promise.”

 

Jasper cupped his chin, still looking down on him. “I love you, Edward.”

 

It was fine at first. More than fine. Better than fine. Jasper’s hands on his body was a welcome thrill. Edward arched up against Jasper’s caress. It was the best thing Edward had ever felt.

 

Until it wasn’t.

 

Jasper moved slowly. His kisses were long and languid as his hands crept down Edward’s body. But when he rested his hand on Edward’s upper thigh, Edward’s body reacted and not in a pleasant way. His every muscle tensed and his breath cut off.

 

Jasper was off him, on his knees in an instant. “Edward?”

 

Edward exhaled in a noisy gust, irritation rife as he beat back the edge of hysteria. “I’m fine. I’m fine… Just… Can we try again?”

 

“You have nothing to prove. We don’t have to-”

 

“Please.” He hated the whine in his voice. He shook his head and rather than beg again, he grabbed Jasper’s shirt in his fist and dragged him back down. Jasper gave a cry of protest, but it was muffled against Edward’s lips. These kisses weren’t satisfying. They were desperate.

 

Jasper took him by the shoulders to give him a little shake, and Edward recoiled. He rolled out from underneath Jasper, suddenly desperate to be free of his weight. He didn’t understand what was going on in his own head. It wasn’t as though Jasper had tried to hold him down.

 

“I’m sorry.” Edward lashed out, sending a few books on the nightstand crashing to the floor. “I hate this shit. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

 

“Don’t give me that bullshit. I’ve always been a freak but the past few days I’m a fucking lunatic.”

 

“With Aro back? Of course it’s going to affect you.”

 

“Why should it? I go to pieces around an ex? That’s bullshit.”

 

Jasper sat cross legged and tried to catch his gaze. “He hurt you.”

 

“It was just sex. It was a bad first time. It wasn’t even his fault.”

 

“Edward.” The word came out sharp. Jasper took his face between his hands. “He hurt you.”

 

“He didn’t.” Edward shook his head. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

 

“You said no.”

 

Edward flinched.

 

A memory hit him. He was back with Aro in his dorm room.

 

_They were making out. Aro was pressed over him, his hard-on obvious, his movements getting more aggressive. Edward knew exactly where this was going. He tensed as Aro’s hands slid down to cup him between his legs._

 

_Edward broke their kiss with a little whine and pulled back. “Let me-”_

 

_“No, Edward. Not tonight.” He kissed Edward again, working his hand over him. He kissed a trail up to his ear. “I want you.”_

 

_Edward tried to calm his nerves. This was normal. This was fine. This was what people did._

 

_But when Aro pulled off his shirt, his nerves got the better of him. “Aro, stop.”_

 

_Aro only grunted and began to unbutton his jeans._

 

_“Hey.” Edward tried to get his attention. “Stop. What are you… Just stop. Stop.”_

 

_When Edward tried to get up, Aro pushed him back down. “Shh. Just relax, sweetheart. Let me take care of you. Relax.”_

 

Edward clapped his hands over his ears, his fingers clutching at his hair. “I was just nervous. It was just sex. Everyone has sex. Everyone.”

 

“It wasn’t sex.” Jasper put his hands over Edward’s against his head. “He raped you.”

 

Edward pushed Jasper back, not roughly, but enough so he could get off the bed. His pulse was thready. He wanted to yell at Jasper, but there was no volume to his voice. “I know that’s what you believe, but it’s not true.”

 

“You said no. You fought him.”

 

“I didn’t fight him.”

 

“How did you get those bruises on your back?”

 

Again Edward flinched. He wrapped his arms around his head, but the memory came anyway.

 

He was stuck in a nightmare. That was the only explanation. “Let me up. I want to get up,” he said. He was sure Aro would let him up. Why wouldn’t he?

 

But he didn’t. “It feels good, Edward. You’ll see. Just let me show you.”

 

Nightmare. It had to be. His boyfriend, the man who told him over and over again how much he loved him, wouldn’t have done this. Edward dodged his kiss and began to struggle in earnest. He managed to roll partially onto his side, and he grabbed at the desk, trying to pull himself away. Aro used the leverage to push him onto his stomach. When Edward tried to push up off the bed, Aro pushed him back down.

 

“You’re hurting me,” Edward said. “This isn’t funny. Stop.”

 

“Relax. Relax, sweetheart.” Aro’s voice was so gentle, such a surreal contrast when his fingers were rough on Edward’s shoulder. He readjusted his grip even as his other hand fell lower on Edward’s body. “You’ll feel good, but you have to relax for me.”

 

“It happens.” Edward’s voice was barely a whisper. “People get carried away. He got carried away. He didn’t want to hurt me.”

 

“He didn’t care that he hurt you. You tried to get away, but he wouldn’t let you.”

 

“Would you shut up? It’s bullshit. It’s all fucking bullshit.” He let out a frustrated growl. “I know how to fight. You know that. You were there. We learned together. If he was… doing something I didn’t want him to do, I could have stopped him. If I had wanted to stop him, I could have.”

 

Jasper was sitting on the edge of the bed just watching Edward pace. “Could you?”

 

Edward cringed.

 

Aro’s body was heavy, and Edward couldn’t think. He couldn’t think at all. His thoughts had turned to primitive mush. He felt physical sensation, base emotion, but no concrete thought. He could not make his brain wrap around what was happening, and more than that, he didn’t want to.

 

It hurt. It hurt so much.

 

The world made no sense. He was hurting. The man he loved was hurting him. Edward had cried out over and over again. Stop. No. Don’t. Stop it. Please. It was supposed to stop. That was what he trusted would happen, but it hadn’t.

 

Despite the fact it was happening to him, right then, right there, Edward couldn’t make himself believe it. He stopped begging because he couldn’t remember how to speak. He stopped fighting because his body was as heavy and lethargic as his muddled thoughts. His hands clenched in the blankets, and he closed his eyes against the tears he couldn’t stop.

 

“He was my boyfriend,” Edward said in a whisper.

 

He heard Jasper’s foot falls stepping closer. “That didn’t give him the right. Not when you said no. There is no circumstance that no is negotiable. You know that.”

 

Again, Edward shook his head, but the movement was slow now. “I didn’t-”

 

“You said no.” Jasper’s tone was gentle but firm.

 

“I wanted to have sex with him. I loved him. And he loved me.”

 

“You said no,” Jasper repeated. “He didn’t love you, Edward. He thought he owned you.”

 

Images flashed one after the other in Edward’s mind. He remembered every time Aro was possessive. Even earlier that day, he’d touched Edward like he had a right. It had to have been obvious Edward was uncomfortable, but it hadn’t mattered to Aro in the slightest.

 

“No,” Edward said. The word was ragged. “That’s not the way it happened.”

 

Jasper was standing right in front of him then. He rested his hand ever so gently on Edward’s shoulder. Edward searched himself for anger or indignation. He didn’t understand why Jasper had to keep pressing this issue, insisting he was right. But he couldn’t reach those emotions. There was a desolate ache in the center of his being devouring everything else in its path. He felt a rush of panic--it would consume him whole--but that too was quickly overtaken. His legs were shaking.

 

“It’s okay, Edward. I’m right here, and you’re going to be okay.”

 

It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay at all. Edward closed his eyes against the tears that welled and spilled over. He remembered how numb he felt right after. When Aro was done. He remembered how the only thing he could really concentrate on at all was how loud his breaths sounded in the room.

 

“I love you. I love you, and I’m here.”

 

Edward’s body seemed to go limp all at once, like he’d forgotten how to hold himself steady at all. He sagged forward, but Jasper was there to catch him. They sank to the floor together, Jasper’s arms around him. For the space of a few heartbeats Edward’s mind was white. Silent.

 

Jasper had been there after. That night. Edward remembered that. He remembered that he felt like the world was going to end, and he wasn’t sure why. He remembered Jasper had held him together. The world didn’t end, and Edward got confused.

 

He wasn’t confused anymore, not right then. The truth he’d always known clicked into place, settled into his thoughts. And on the heels of that truth was pain. An incredible pain, terrible in its nuance. It was all fury, helplessness, and broken trust. It was a soul-rending kind of pain, and his body quaked with it. He wrapped his arms around Jasper’s neck and clung to him, desperation painting the twisted sounds that escaped his mouth.

 

His body was boneless, as out of his control as his breath, his tangled words. He was dead weight, his head too heavy for his shoulders to hold up.

  
But he couldn’t crumple completely. Jasper kept him tethered, the only steady thing in a world spinning wildly on its axis. Jasper’s arms were around him, holding him up. He rocked them both back and forth. The motion put walls on the dark void that had taken residence at the center of Edward’s chest. He rocked them until Edward succumbed to exhaustion and let sleep pull him into merciful darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, lovelies. Are we all breathing? *hugs all around*


	14. Tell Me What The Future Holds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: On a lighter note, I played a game of “Let’s see how many times I can use ‘Call in to work’ before jfka06 goes crazy”. Other than that… let’s hug it out. *hugs*

There were not enough blankets in the world to ward off the cold that had settled at the center of Jasper’s chest.  The block of ice pressed on his lungs.  Breathing hurt.  His eyes hurt.  His heart hurt.  It had been a long night.

 

Jasper opened his eyes to a new world.  It seemed wrong somehow that the morning was so calm.  Birds sang, traffic flowed in the background.  The sun was even shining.  He took a deep breath and looked down at the man in his arms.

 

Edward was still asleep.  He was curled on his side, his hoodie up around his head, his head ducked against Jasper’s chest.  His legs were drawn up against Jasper’s side.  His cheeks were streaked with dried tears.

 

As often as Jasper had wished Edward would see past the wool over his eyes, he hated how much pain his boyfriend was in.  Even though he knew it was the only way Edward would heal, Jasper almost wished he could guide Edward’s head back into the sand.  Limping from an old wound you couldn’t remember receiving was easier to deal with than an open, bleeding sore.

 

Jasper was going to get him through this.  He still hadn’t forgotten the boy Edward had been - confident, vibrant.  He would never be the same person he would have been if this hadn’t happened to him, but he was stronger than he gave himself credit for.  He would be fine.  It was going to suck, but they were going to deal with it together.

 

Unless Edward denied it again.

 

As much as Jasper wanted to let Edward sleep, they both had responsibilities.  Jasper had calls to make.  Rather than try to ease himself away from Edward and hope for the best, Jasper chose to wake him with gentle kisses.  He kissed along Edward’s forehead, down the bridge of his nose.  He tasted salt on Edward’s cheeks and under his eyes.

 

Edward blinked awake with a tiny, whining noise.  He looked adorably confused for a few seconds before the heaviness came back to his eyes.  There was no doubt he remembered.

 

“I need your boss’s phone number,” Jasper said.

 

“For what?”  His voice cracked with misuse, but his tone was flat, dead.  Jasper had expected as much, but it still ached.

 

“You and I are calling in to work.”

 

Edward stared.  It took him almost ten seconds to process Jasper’s words. “You can’t call in.”

 

“Don’t worry about me.”

 

“You just started.”

 

“Don’t worry about me.  I’m not leaving you.”

 

Edward wrapped his arms around his shoulders.  He wasn’t looking at Jasper anymore. He wasn’t looking at anything.

 

“It’s only Tuesday.  I should work.”

 

“Not today.”

 

“You should work.”

 

“Edward, I need your boss’s number.  Is it in your cellphone?”

 

It was maddening the way Edward stayed quiet, as though he hadn’t heard, but Jasper knew he had. “My boss?”

 

“Is her number in your phone?  Nevermind.  I’ll call Bella.  Just stay put.  I’ll be right back.”

 

Jasper unwound himself from Edward and headed to his own room.  After he called Bella who logged Edward out sick, he called in himself.  Then he went back to Edward’s room.

 

Edward was sitting up on his bed, his legs crossed, his posture slumped.  His hands were shoved deep in the pockets of his hoodie, and his stare was vacant.

 

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Jasper went to sit beside him.  He searched for words, but he didn’t know where to start.  He settled for lending his quiet support and waited for Edward to lead. He rested his hand, palm up, on Edward’s knee. Edward stared at it as if he didn’t recognize it, but after a moment, he pulled Jasper’s hand into his lap.

 

Minutes passed as Edward played with his fingers. “I should have gone to work.”

 

Jasper felt a rush of fury he had to choke down. “I don’t want you anywhere near that asshole.”

 

“What do you want me to do? You want me to quit? I can’t quit.”

 

He sounded so defeated. “You shouldn’t have to quit.” He bit the inside of his cheek. He knew better than to think his next words were going to go over well, but he had to try. “You should tell your dad.”

 

“No.”

 

“He’d help you. He’d get Aro-”

 

Edward flinched at his name and he pushed himself to perch on the edge of the bed. “What do you want me to tell him? Hey, Dad, you know that company you’ve been trying to work with forever? Well, you gotta get them to fire one of their guys because a million years ago, I was stupid enough to believe he loved me.”

 

Jasper tried to look on the bright side. That tiny outburst was laced with emotion. Anything was better than apathy, wasn’t it? “This isn’t-”

 

“This isn’t my fault?” Edward huffed. “Yes, it is.”

 

“Edward-”

 

“Do you know why I never took him to meet my parents? I knew he was an asshole. You hated him. You hated him from the moment you met him. I could tell. I knew my parents would hate him, so I kept putting it off. It was my fault.”

 

Jasper squeezed his hands. “An eighteen-year-old kid dating an asshole? Come on, Edward. You can’t think you deserve what he did to you.”

 

“I should have known better. I should have been smarter.” He hung his head. His breath came in ragged pants. Without warning, he let out a rage-filled snarl as he grabbed up the lamp from the nightstand and hurled it across the room. Jasper jumped when it shattered against the wall. Edward dropped his head into his hands and tugged on his hair. “Why didn’t I stop him?”

 

Jasper crawled across the bed. He moved slowly, out of his depth. He didn’t want to make things worse. Edward didn’t stop him, so Jasper knelt behind him. He wrapped his arms around his waist and drew him up and back. Edward didn’t fight him. Jasper cradled him close. He felt the sharp rise and fall of Edward’s chest as his shoulders shook. “That’s not how it works. You know that, Edward. Why are you trying so hard to blame yourself for what he did?”

 

“Because I let it happen. I should have kicked his ass. I wasn’t a helpless little kid.”

 

“It doesn’t say anything about you. It doesn’t make you weak. You fought, and even if you hadn’t, it still wouldn’t have been your fault, but he… he held you down. He did that. You didn’t let him.”

 

Edward was quiet for a long time. Jasper rested his head against his back and kept his arms tight around him. “So what? I’m going to let him chase me away from my job, away from my responsibility. I’ll go back to letting my father believe I’m a fuck up?” He shook his head. “I’m done being a little bitch about everything.” He took a deep breath. “I’m going back to work.”

 

Jasper’s every instinct was to protect Edward. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him, tuck him away so nothing in the world could hurt him ever again. But this was his battle, and he had to fight it his way. “At least ask to be taken off the project.”

 

“Yeah.” Edward hung his head. “That… that I might do.”

 

Jasper kissed his shoulder. He lingered there, his eyes closed as he just held Edward close. After a minute, Edward spoke, his voice thin and shaky. “Can we lay down? Just for a little while?”

 

“Yeah. As long as you need.”

 

They laid back and Jasper wrapped the comforter over them. He cuddled Edward close and kissed the top of his head.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for you,” Edward said.

 

Jasper sighed. “You think I don’t feel the same way? I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to tell you how I felt. Or if I couldn’t have stopped this-”

 

“It’s not your fault.”

 

“If I couldn’t have stopped this, I’m sorry I don’t have the right words to fix this.”

 

Edward was quiet. His breath shook. “I’m tired,” he said after a minute. “I’m just really tired.”

**~0~**

Esme showed up that afternoon. If she hadn’t, Jasper wondered if they would still be in bed. All that day, Edward was a ghost. Jasper didn’t think he slept, but he hardly moved one way or another. He didn’t protest when Jasper untangled himself to go answer the door, but he didn’t move either.

 

Jasper was equal parts relieved and dismayed to find Edward’s mother outside their door. She had a bag in her hand. Her smile was tight but genuine as she looked up at Jasper in surprise. “Hey, Esme.” He wanted to fall into Esme’s arms. He needed a hug right then. He needed a lot of things, but he pushed it all down. He needed to be strong for Edward.

 

“Jasper. Carlisle told me Edward went home sick yesterday, and he called in again today. He isn’t answering his phone and well…” She gave him a sheepish look. “Mothers never stop worrying.”

 

If only she knew how much there was to worry about. “Yeah. I get you. I’m sorry. I should have answered for him.”

 

She furrowed her brow. “What’s wrong with him that you’re home taking care of him? Don’t you have a new job to be at, sweetie?”

 

“He’s fine. I mean…” Jasper closed his eyes briefly. A huge part of him wanted to break down, to tell Edward’s mother what was going on. He didn’t know how he was going to be strong enough to get Edward through this on his own.

 

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t betray Edward that way. It was Edward’s story to tell, and Jasper wasn’t going to take that choice away from him.

 

Esme’s features twisted. “Oh, no. He’s not… This isn’t like before, is it? He’s been doing so well.”

 

“No. It’s not…” Jasper didn’t know what to say. He was tiptoeing around a mine field of half-truths. Edward hadn’t told his parents about them yet, so even that was off the table for the time being.

 

“Mom?”

 

Jasper and Esme both turned to see Edward in the hallway. His shoulders were hunched, his eyes drawn and tired. Esme  went to her son and put her arms around him. She put her palm to his forehead and then cupped his face. “Honey, you look horrible. What’s wrong?”

 

Edward shook his head and wrapped his arms around her. He didn’t say anything. He just let her hug him.

 

After Esme led Edward to the couch, she spoke to him, her voice soothing. Jasper was glad. He watched a few minutes as she tried to get answers from him. She stroked her fingers through his hair and let him rest his head on her shoulder. This was what Edward needed. He needed his parents.

 

When he was sure Edward would be okay alone with Esme--he wasn’t upset, he wasn’t looking to Jasper for help--he took a walk. Before he knew it, he’d climbed into his car and was on his way to Alice’s shop.

 

Alice took one look at him and shooed the employee she’d been talking to away. “Do you want to come to my office?” she asked.

 

Jasper shook his head. “No. Need somewhere no one can hear me.” He didn’t know what he needed until the words were out and away from him, but once he’d said them, he realized there was a terrible rage building inside him. It was exactly like knowing you were about to throw up except it was all fury and fire. Whatever was about to happen was going to be loud and horrible.

 

Alice’s eyes widened, but she nodded. “Okay.” She twined her fingers with his and led him through the shop and out the back door.

 

“Where are we going?” he asked when she opened the passenger side door of her car for him.

 

“Where we’ll have some space.” She held up a finger and put her phone to her ear. “Hey, Charlotte? Can you empty the place for me? An hour. Send everyone on an early lunch. My treat. Take the credit card. Yes. Thanks, Char.” She disconnected the call. “Okay. Now can you tell me what’s going on?”

 

Through gritted teeth, he told Alice about Aro coming back and how he couldn’t protect Edward. How he’d had to send him off to work knowing in his gut something horrible was going to happen. What he’d wanted more than anything was to march into Edward’s work, to grab Aro Scarpinato out by his prick and to make sure he would never be able to use it again. He wanted to show Aro exactly how it felt to be made helpless as someone hurt him without mercy. He wanted him to see how he liked it when he said stop, because Jasper wouldn’t.

 

By that time, Jasper was vibrating with rage. Alice stopped the car, and he barely registered that they were in some industrial lot in front of a small warehouse. She opened the door and ushered him inside.

 

"Let it out, Jazz."

 

He didn't at first.  He stood stock still and gnashed his teeth. But in the next heartbeat he was primal screaming. He swung his arm out, needing to punch something, and only barely snatched it back in time.

 

"Have at it, hon. All the boxes are filled with clothes."

 

That was all Jasper needed to hear.  He drove his fist into the side of the box.

 

Minutes passed in a blur.  Jasper pummeled the hell out of the defenseless box until it fell over, then he turned to the next one.  He didn’t stop until he was exhausted and out of breath.  He sunk into a squat and gripped his hair, wincing as his scraped knuckles protested.  His anger wasn’t nearly spent, but his lungs were too tight.  He drew in sharp gasps, the sound as thin and broken as his hear.

 

He heard the click clack of Alice’s heels as she approached.  She knelt beside him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jasper was wracked with coughs.  His throat was raw from screaming.  “I made a mess.”

 

“You think I care about a mess?  Come on. Get up. There’s a couch in the break room.”

 

Jasper let her pull him up and into a room nearby.  “I don’t know what to do, Alice.  I can’t stand the thought of him going to work with that asshole.  What?  I have to wait for Aro to try something else or wait for Edward to withdraw again? Even if that fucker doesn’t so much as look at him, what is this going to do to Edward?”  He put his hands over his eyes, overwhelmed and more scared than he knew how to deal with.  “Am I doing the right thing? I should tell his parents. Carlisle would help.  I know he would, but how could I take away Edward’s choice? I can’t betray him like that.”

 

He growled, frustrated.  “We were doing okay. He was doing so much better than he has in years. Why did this have to happen? Seattle is a big city. Why did he have to show up again? And why can’t I kill the bastard? It would be doing the world a favor.”

 

Alice rubbed his back.  “I wish there was an easy answer here.  Or if not easy, I wish I knew the right answer.”

 

“Well, fuck. If you don’t know, I’m really screwed.”  Jasper rubbed his eyes. “Can’t you tell the future, sugar?  Tell me what will happen so I know how to help him.”  He sighed, and his shoulder sagged.  “If I were sure it was the right thing, I’d tell his parents in a heartbeat. But he trusts me. He doesn’t trust anyone, but he trusts me. I don’t know what it would do to him if I broke that trust. I don’t know what it would do to us. But I let him go to work yesterday, and look what happened. Last night was horrible.”

 

“But necessary. You know he had to realize he was raped to begin to deal with it.”

 

“Are you saying it’s a good thing Aro showed up?”

 

“Of course not, but you can’t undo that. I don’t know, Jasper.  Edward has been running for so long.  Maybe having to literally confront his demon will be the catalyst he needs to finally deal with this.”

 

“Before or after his life falls apart?”

 

“We won’t let that happen.  He has all of us now, even if Bella doesn’t know the specifics, she won’t let him slip away.”

 

Jasper raised his head to stare at her.  “Do you think that’s what I did? You think I saw him destroying his life and I just let it happen? It didn’t work like that.”

 

“Of course that’s not what I think.”  Alice looked as lost as Jasper felt.  “I’m just saying neither of you are alone. What can we do but wait and see how he deals with this? I mean … I’m sure Aro wouldn’t try something in Edward’s father’s office.”

 

Jasper clenched his fists.  “I’ll kill him.” His shoulders slumped. “You know what’s the truly fucked up thing? That filthy asshole probably has no idea what he did to Edward. He didn’t back then. I don’t know if that should make me feel better in this case. He just thinks Edward is his ex-boyfriend.  I guess that means I can hope he doesn’t think of Edward like that anymore.  I mean, he left him alone four years ago after they broke up.”

 

He sighed and stood. “We should get back. I should go back home and see how he’s doing.”

 

“Okay.” Alice wrapped him in a tight hug. “Just remember to take care of yourself, too.  You can’t help Edward if you’re falling apart.”  She took his hands and rubbed her thumb under the wounds on his knuckles. “Maybe we should invest in boxing gloves.”

 

Jasper wrapped her in a tight hug.

 

“We’re going to get through this.”

 

“That’s my line.”

  
“Not this time.  It’s your turn to listen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So many thanks to my girls. And thanks to you. How we doing out there, everyone?


	15. Fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N : Happy day after Thanksgiving… or Friday for you non-American peeps. Let’s see how our boys are faring, shall we?

Getting out of bed Wednesday morning was one of the hardest things Edward had ever done. The mere idea of thinking about trying to get his limbs to cooperate almost sent him right back to sleep. He craved the blackness behind his closed eyelids and the warmth of the millions of blankets over his body. It would be so easy, too easy to slip back under.

 

He’d promised his mother nothing was wrong.

 

It had been hard, so hard, to be in the same room as Esme. He was sure his shame was written all over his face, every exposed inch of his skin. He cringed every time his mother--his mother--touched him. He was certain she could tell. Wasn’t it obvious? Didn’t his erratic behavior give it away?

 

But she’d only told him how proud she and Carlisle were for how hard he’d worked the last few months. She made him chicken soup, just as she had when he was small. She must have asked him about a thousand times if he was intending to go to work the next day. Edward could read between the lines. She was scared he would flake out.

 

When Jasper came back, Edward told Esme about them, and she was ecstatic. His parents wanted to believe he was normal. A normal kid living a normal life capable of a normal relationship.

 

Edward groaned and threw the blankets off. The chill of the early morning sent a shiver through him. He thought of the warm water of the shower. It was what he needed to throw his legs over the side of the bed. Warm water, warm water, warm water. He pushed to his feet and shuffled to his door.

 

He stood under the heat for far too long before he could convince himself to get out, get dressed, brush his teeth.

 

Jasper met him in the kitchen with a homemade breakfast burrito. Too bad the smell churned Edward’s stomach. He pushed the plate away and hung his head in his hands, his breath shallow. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Hey, it’s no problem. Lunch for me.” Jasper sat at his side and rubbed his back. He didn’t say another word, and Edward was grateful for that. He couldn’t think of a damn thing Jasper could say. If Jasper asked if he was sure, Edward knew he would cave and stay home. If he said it was going to be okay, Edward wouldn’t have believed him.

 

Instead, when they absolutely had to get out the door or be late to work, Jasper pulled him up into a hug. He didn’t try to kiss him, he just held him. “You know I’ll be there if you need me. It doesn’t matter when. If you need to, call me.”

 

Edward wanted to say Jasper didn’t have to worry. He wanted to tell him it was ridiculous. He’d already risked too much at a brand new job. He wanted to say those things, but he knew better.

 

He had no idea how he was going to get through the day, and the uncertainty only made him want to go back to bed. Somehow, though, he managed to make it out the door.

**~0~**

Edward got to work just as his father was coming in.

 

“You’re feeling better then. I’m glad. Your mother was worried about you,” Carlisle said, clapping Edward on his shoulder.

 

It took all Edward’s will power not to shrink back. Even though he kept his eyes trained on the ground, he could hear the relief in Carlisle’s voice. His father had expected him to flake out; he could tell.

 

“I’m here,” was all he said, and Carlisle let the matter drop.

 

Edward was about to crawl out of his skin as he made his way to his desk. People called his name, but the sounds were warped. He tried to tell himself they were just concerned. As far as they knew, he’d been sick. But he felt their eyes on him like a judgment, like they could tell what he’d let happen. How weak and pathetic he’d been. Shame burned straight to the back of his neck. He mumbled something vague when his coworkers asked how he was. He reeled away from Mike before the other man could touch him.

 

By the time he made it to his desk, Edward was breathless. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, more irritated with himself as he calmed down. It was ten minutes after eight, and he could have curled up under his desk for a long nap.

 

What now, he wondered. Was this going to be his life now? Cringing and wincing even worse than before? He couldn’t have sat up straight if he wanted to; his shoulders were too heavy. Now, he wasn’t only a freak, but he was weak and ugly. Christ, he felt the ugliness down to the marrow of his bones.

 

He blew out through his mouth and breathed in through his nose. He shook his head and pulled up his task list for the day. All things he could do at his desk without other people. Some of the tension drained from his posture.

 

This list he could handle. He didn’t have to think about anything except his current task, his next task, and the time management needed to get it all done. He set to work. He wished he could put his headphones in, but he didn’t dare. He was too paranoid. He knew how he overreacted to every little thing.

 

Just as he was starting to relax, someone cleared their throat behind him. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up.

 

Edward’s whole body seized. Either he was going to punch Aro in the gut or get the hell out of dodge. He held his breath, but Aro only set what smelled like his favorite hot Starbucks drink and a pastry by his desk.

 

“I know that look on you, Edward, when you haven’t had your caffeine, and I’m willing to bet you didn’t have breakfast.”

 

Edward reached out to touch the hot side of the cup. Uncertainty twisted along with fear and fury in his gut. He remembered this, too. Aro had been so sweet and considerate with him. He remembered the tender moments -- Aro setting a sandwich beside him and kissing the side of his hair as he chuckled about how absorbed Edward got when he was studying.

 

Maybe he was wrong about everything.

 

Aro rested a hand against his back, and Edward pulled away, his heart pounding. “Don’t fucking touch me,” he said in a low growl.

 

“Really, Edward?” Aro’s mouth turned down in a disapproving frown. “I’d hoped we could be mature adults about this.”

 

“We can’t.” Edward wasn’t thinking about the words he said before they slipped out. His eyes darted back and forth. Again, he found himself trapped. Aro was standing in the way of his cubicle’s one entrance. He couldn’t run--not without pushing Aro out of the way and the last thing he wanted to do was touch him. There was a huge part of him desperate to scream for help, but an equal part of him that didn’t want anyone to see Aro anywhere near him. Anger was the only thing he had left. “I don’t want your breakfast, I don’t want to talk, I don’t even want to see you,” he said in a low voice. “Just stay away from me.”

 

Aro tilted his head, his eyes hard. “What’s gotten into you?”

 

Edward was more terrified than he wanted to let on. His fingernails dug into the arms of his chair. He was lightheaded. A myriad of images zinged through his head, each of them arguing their version of the truth. He saw the Aro who’d brought him meals, stayed up talking for hours upon hours, the one with tender hands that smoothed back his hair when they kissed. First kisses, first pretty words whispered in his ear, the first time a man looked at him and he felt sexy -- they all belonged to Aro.

 

But Aro was also the man who’d never failed to point out Edward’s every weakness and quirk, the man who’d laughed at his reticence when it came to sex, the man who thought he was doing Edward a favor by forcing sex on him.

 

“See? Nothing to be afraid of,” he’d said.

 

Without the benefit of his denial about what had really happened between them years ago, fear was quickly overtaking Edward’s anger. He did fear the man in front of him. He hadn’t known how helpless he could be until Aro had showed him.

 

Edward swallowed hard. He scrambled for rational thought. They were in the middle of a busy office, Edward’s father’s building. Nothing was going to happen to him here. “I was happy with the idea of never seeing you again.” He turned his chair back to his computer. “I’m busy. Go away.”

 

Aro swung him back. “I won’t be talked down to. Not by you.”

 

Edward shrank back in his seat, his throat too tight to breathe or speak. He hated the smirk that lit Aro’s face. He hated even more that he was petrified. It was all he could do to keep the whimper contained behind his closed lips.

 

“Has anyone seen Aro?” Aro’s boss’s voice across the office broke the tension between them. Aro straightened up and, without another word, strode out of Edward’s cubicle.

 

Edward slumped. He put a hand over his eyes and gasped for breath. To his horror, he felt tears prick. He turned toward his computer, hiding his face lest someone see him in passing. It was hard to keep his ragged breathing quiet enough to not draw attention. His tears welled and spilled down his cheeks. He’d broken out in a cold sweat, and he couldn’t still his trembling.

 

Minutes passed as he tried to calm down. Ashamed and frustrated, Edward swept his hand out. He knocked a pen holder full of pens and paperclips into the wall of his cubicle. The loud clatter did nothing to match the screaming, scattered mess of his thoughts.

 

“Hey, Edward. What happened?”

 

Edward lifted his head as Mike came into his cubicle. He stood and backed into the opposite corner of the small space. Mike didn’t appear to notice. He knelt to the ground, and began scooping up pens as he chuckled. Edward drew in a breath. “Th-thank you.”

 

Mike looked up and did a double-take. “Dude. Not for nothing, but you look like warmed over crap.”

 

Edward looked down and away. He felt shame crawl up his neck.

 

“You’re still sick,” Mike said.

 

“What?” That wasn’t what Edward expected.

 

“Yeah, man, you don’t look good at all.” He stood up again and righted the pen holder on his desk. “I’d go home if I were you. Get better. There’s no point in you getting us all sick. Seriously, you look like you’re going to fall over any second.”

 

Edward didn’t even think twice. He managed to stutter an apology and a thank you to Mike before he made his way to his boss’s office. The whole way, he looked around and over his shoulder, keeping an eye out for Aro. He kept his hands shoved deep in his hoodie pocket and his head down. He reeled away from people he passed.

 

It had been nice while it lasted, some small part of him thought. His coworkers thought he was perhaps a little weird, but none of them thought he was a freak. He wondered if that would change or if they would write off his erratic behavior that morning to being sick.

 

It didn’t take much to convince his boss he was still sick. Edward had never been more relieved to be in the elevator down to the parking garage.

 

He’d almost made it to his car when a voice stopped him cold. “Edward?”

 

Edward stumbled to a halt. He closed his eyes and didn’t turn around. His father’s quick footsteps echoed in the garage. Each one made his heart twist with anxiety.

 

“Where are you going?” Carlisle asked.

 

“Home. I don’t feel well.”

 

“Do you really think your mother didn’t tell me you weren’t sick?” When Edward didn’t answer, Carlisle put his hand to Edward’s shoulder to turn him around. “Look at me.”

 

Edward pulled out of Carlisle’s reach. “Get off me.”

 

Carlisle stared. He sighed, and the disappointment in his eyes made Edward’s stomach churn. “Where are you going, Edward?” Carlisle asked again, his voice soft and sad.

 

“I already told you. I’m going home.” Edward wished he could say he would stay. He didn’t want to be a disappointment, but the need to get as far away as possible outweighed his need to be in his father’s good graces again.

 

“You’ve been doing so well. What’s gotten into you this week? Leaving early. Not showing up at all.”

 

“Am I not allowed to use my sick time like any other employee?”

 

“You’re not sick.”

 

“You think every one of your employees uses their sick time only when they’re sick?”

 

“Edward, look at me. Look me in the eyes like an adult.”

 

“No.” As they spoke, Edward had consistently been turning away from his father, but Carlisle continued to step with him. The game of chase was tugging at the edges of Edward’s panic, threatening to push him into desperation. He clenched his hands in the fabric of his hoodie.

 

“Tell me what this is about.” Carlisle sounded frustrated and angry.

 

Well, Edward was angry too. He was furious at himself because he shouldn’t be running away, but he was also pissed that his father wouldn’t leave him the hell alone. “What do you want me to say? I took your damn drug test. You don’t believe me. What do you want? You want me to piss in a cup in front of you?”

 

“Don’t be crude. Explain this to me. Something is going on with you. If not drugs, then what is it?”

 

Edward couldn’t breathe. His heart pounded so hard and loud, he could hear it in between his ears. When Carlisle stepped toward him again, he moved backward. “Don’t touch me.”

 

“What is it you think I’m going to do? Edward.” His voice soft again, the same voice Edward remembered from when he was a child and he’d had a bad dream. “I’m right here. Tell me what’s going on with you. I’ll listen. Whatever it is, I want to help you.”

 

“I don’t need help.” Edward’s throat was tight, his voice raw when he spoke. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. This is me. This is what you get. I’m fucked up. I’m sorry I’m your kid.” He drew in a shaky breath. His tone was timorous by then. “At least you have Emmett.”

 

There was silence between them for what might have been eons. “I’m not sorry that you’re my son. I’ll never be sorry.”

 

Edward shook his head. He didn’t know what to say to that. “I’ll come back. I’ll be better tomorrow. I…” He wanted to promise, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t make himself say those words. He couldn’t lie to his father so directly.

 

He heard Carlisle take another step, and he tensed. “Okay.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“You’re a grown man. You have to make your own choices. You’re not in trouble yet.” He put a gentle hand to Edward’s back and this time, Edward didn’t pull away though he wanted to. “I trust you. We all have our bad days, but I trust you to do the right thing.”

 

Edward said nothing. His throat was too tight.

 

“But please try to hear me, Edward. There’s nothing you can’t tell me. I’m here. Your mother’s there. Even Emmett would listen to you. We all love you.”

 

For a second, just a second, the truth was poised on Edward’s tongue. It was a weight that threatened to crush him, and the mere thought of telling was so freeing his head spun. But on the heels of that was a terror so pure he shook with it. His father, even his father, would be disgusted at Edward’s idiocy and weakness. He couldn’t tell. He couldn’t. It was bad enough Jasper knew.

  
Unable to be there a moment longer, Edward said nothing as he walked away from his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to jessypt, songster, barburella, and jfka06.
> 
> Much hearts, my dears.


	16. And So It Goes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Rawr. Monday after a holiday… this is gonna be… fun?

At this point, Jasper was going to wear his teeth down to nothing.

 

For two weeks, Edward had come home nearly every day bone pale with exhaustion and residual fear. Because Aro thought Edward was being ridiculous, he seemed to go out of his way to taunt him. He often did it under the guise of kindness-- bringing Edward coffee just to call him ridiculous for pushing it away. He would touch Edward in completely innocent ways-- a friendly pat on the shoulder for a job well done when their teams were working together, a touch to his elbow in passing as an “excuse me”.

 

“I’m probably imagining things,” Edward said. More and more, his voice was toneless.

 

“I doubt that, but imagining what?”

 

Conversations with Edward these days took a lot of patience. After years of his spacing out every few words, it had taken remarkably little time to get used to him talking in full sentences. It was frustrating that he’d regressed again. Jasper counted to ten and watched Edward blink before he finally processed the question he’d been asked.

 

“I, um…” Blink, blink, blink. “Sometimes I think he comes too close on purpose.”

 

Jasper clenched his fists at his side. “What do you mean?”

 

“In the lunchroom today. He… I overreacted.”

 

“To what, Edward?”

 

“He was just so close…”

 

Jasper clenched his jaw and counted to ten again. “What did he do?”

 

“It wasn’t him. It was me. I jumped. I had a soda in my hand, and it went everywhere.” He stared off, his eyes not focused on anything. “They all look at me like I’m weird now. I guess I should be used to it.”

 

Jasper couldn’t take it anymore. He slammed his palm down on the table. Edward started, but Jasper was too angry to apologize. “Don’t you see what he’s doing? He’s manipulating you so you look like a fool, so you believe you’re a fool. But it’s him, Edward. It’s all him.”

 

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Edward said to the floor. “What the hell is the point of that?”

 

“He’s an abusive prick. It’s called gaslighting.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

Jasper slid off his chair onto his knees before Edward. He put his hands on Edward’s knees in a slow, easy motion, ready to pull away if he got uncomfortable. He looked up into Edward’s eyes, trying to hold his gaze. “This is what he does.” Jasper spoke slowly to be sure Edward heard every word. “This is what he always did. He didn’t have to touch you to abuse you. He made you believe you were less than him, that you deserved the way he treated you. He skewed your perception of what you wanted. He made you doubt yourself, and then told you you were imagining things when you started to suspect. He’s just doing it all over again. He’s trying to control you.”

 

Edward’s jaw worked and his nostrils flared as he tried to control his breathing. He wrung his hands together. “He’s not doing anything to me.”

 

“He is.”

 

“Okay, whatever. He’s… gaslighting me. Whatever the fuck that means. What do you want me to do about it?”

 

Jasper grabbed his hands. “Get angry.”

 

“What good would that do me?” But to Jasper’s surprise, anger had seeped into Edward’s tone. There was a glint in his eyes as he looked back, focusing for the first time all night. “I did already.”

 

“Did what?”

 

“I got angry.” He swallowed hard and looked away again. “I got angry once. I… He wouldn’t leave. He wouldn’t leave me alone, and I got up. I don’t even know what I was going to do, but I got in his face, and I was the one who grabbed him.”

 

Jasper squeezed his hands hard, trying to keep him grounded. “What did he do?”

 

Edward breathed in and out. “He wasn't scared. He told me to go ahead, to see what my dad thought about having to bail me out of jail.”

 

“Son of a bitch.” Jasper pushed to his feet and began to pace. “Edward, you have to tell your-”

 

“No.” Again there was volume to his tone. “I don’t want to tell anyone. The project will be done in another two weeks and then I won’t have to see him again.”

 

“But-”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m so sick of talking about him. Maybe you’re right he controls me. He certainly seems to be controlling the conversation even when he’s not here.”

 

Jasper closed his eyes and ground his teeth. His thoughts spun as he second, third, and fourth guessed himself. After so many years of falling, Edward had started to come out of the darkness only to be pushed back so far. But he was fighting. He was fighting so hard, Jasper’s heart broke for him. He saw with his own eyes how much it took for Edward to get out of bed every day and go into work where he knew he would be forced to face his demon. Jasper couldn’t imagine that kind of strength.

 

“Okay. Okay.” He cupped Edward’s cheek and brushed a thumb over his lips. “Are you going to finish your dinner?”

 

Edward just laughed. It was a tired, bitter sound.  “I’m not hungry,” he said, his voice flat again.

**~0~**

It was later that night. Jasper couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t really been able to sleep since Aro had shown up.

 

Edward had been plagued by nightmares. Jasper was always listening for the telltale moans and whimpers. The first week, Edward could hardly stand touch at all or Jasper would have cut to the chase and slept in his room. More than once he’d considered sleeping on Edward’s floor, but the other man was already harboring too much guilt about his neediness. So at two in the morning, Jasper was still up, paging through a few reports from work.

 

He didn’t hear the creak of his door, so when he looked up and saw Edward staring at him, his heart skipped a beat. “Jesus Christ.”

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

“Well, you might try, I dunno, making a sound?”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” Jasper set his laptop to the side. “Come here. What’s up?”

 

Edward shuffled across the room and sat at the front of the bed.  He rubbed his hands over the comforter.  There was a slight tremble to his fingers, and his breath was uneven.

 

Jasper crawled over and sat beside him. He rested his hand palm up on Edward’s knee. Edward stared for a full ten seconds before he threaded their fingers together.

 

“Is it … Is it hard to touch me?” Edward asked.

 

Jasper exhaled as though he’d been punched in the stomach.  “What?”

 

Edward turned their hands over and gestured with their entwined fingers.  “You can’t help it, you know. If you’re turned off by something … by all this.”

 

For once, it was Jasper scrambling for words. He worked his mouth, too many thoughts tangling and twisting, fighting to be heard.  “What in the actual fuck would make you think that’s even possible?”

 

“It’s just … you barely touch me. You don’t even try.”

 

Jasper scooted closer, testing the waters. He pressed his side against Edward’s.  He cupped his cheek. “I always want to kiss you. I just don’t want to push you.”

 

Edward closed his eyes and tilted his head against Jasper’s palm. “I thought…” He gulped. “If what he did…”

 

“Edward, I’ve known what he did to you for a long time.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  It doesn’t say anything about you.”

 

Edward huffed. “Right.”

 

“When are you going to believe none of this is your fault? When will you believe it’s all on him?”

 

Edward raised his head, his eyes glinting with irritation.  “The way I am, what I do … all this… “ He waved his hands in a helpless motion. “This … otherness. This is all me.”  He closed his eyes and shook his head as he got to his feet. “Nevermind. I don’t .. This is not about that. I don’t want to forget about us.  Just .. Fuck him, fuck that.  I want…” He shook his head again, obviously frustrated with his total inability to communicate.

 

“Hey, hey.”  Jasper took his hand and tugged him back down on the bed.  Edward tensed when Jasper put his arms around him, but he corrected quickly.  He leaned into Jasper’s embrace.  Jasper brushed his fingers through Edward’s hair, massaging along his scalp.

 

When Edward’s erratic breaths calmed, Jasper put two fingers to Edward’s chin.  He turned Edward’s head toward him and pressed a soft, tentative kiss to his lips. He lingered, gauging his boyfriend’s comfort. Edward had closed his eyes. His mouth hung slightly open, his lips plump and so kissable. Jasper leaned in again, taking the invitation Edward’s lips offered. He pressed harder, taking Edward’s upper lip between his.

 

Edward’s hand came up to cup Jasper’s elbow. He tilted his head, moving his mouth to the languid pace Jasper set.

 

At first, Jasper was hyper-focused on reading Edward’s mood. But after a minute he lost his focus in the sweetness of kissing this man, the delicious way their bodies brushed together. Each tiny touch was a welcome tease. Jasper moved his hand to the small of Edward’s back, stoking the heat behind their kisses. He sighed with contentedness and sought Edward’s tongue with his.

 

Edward stiffened and whimpered.

 

Jasper broke their kiss in an instant. “I’m sorry.” He was breathless. “I got carried away.” He took Edward’s face in his hands. Edward’s eyes were clenched tightly shut. “Shit, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

 

“Fine. I’m fine.” Edward didn’t sound fine. His voice shook, but his tone was angry. He turned his body and clenched his fists. “I’m so sick of this. I wanted you to get carried away. I want…” Edward groaned and swung his fist out wildly.

 

Jasper caught his hand and massaged his fingers. He pulled Edward forward in a gentle motion and wrapped him in a loose hug. “It takes time, sugar.”

 

“It’s been years.”

 

“It’s been two weeks.” Jasper drew his knuckles down the curve of Edward’s jaw. “You have to see him all the time.”

 

Edward flinched and shuddered. He wrapped his arms around himself. “Two more weeks,” he murmured. He slumped. “I know I get angry. I wish I was different. Better.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

 

“What I’m trying to say is… if it was you, I would be careful too. If it was you, I would do anything. I see what you’re doing for me. I see everything. I don’t deserve how good you are to me.”

 

Jasper called Edward’s name quietly. “If it was me, what would you think?”

 

Edward grimaced, and Jasper knew he’d gotten his point across. “You remember when I was a cocky little bastard?” Edward asked, his tone subdued again.

 

“You were the good kind of arrogant. A little haughtiness can be hot.”

 

“I miss him sometimes. When I remember him.” Edward turned his head so he could lean against Jasper’s shoulder. “Ten minutes in the dark, and I never get to see him again.”

 

Jasper rested his cheek against the top of Edward’s head, his heart aching and his jaw taut. Why shouldn’t it count as murder when one person destroyed a human psyche? In a long list of maddening truths, the fact Edward would never get justice for what was done to him ranked among the cruelest. The best he could hope for was to never have to see Aro again. The best he could hope for was peace and acceptance.

 

“I miss you, too,” Edward went on, oblivious to Jasper’s inner glower.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I used to watch you when we were out with everyone. You had magnetism. Everyone was drawn to you. Everyone loved you. Charismatic.” Edward sounded far away. “What would you have been, if you weren’t stuck taking care of me?”

 

“Don’t make it sound like you were a waste of time, because you weren’t.  You aren’t.”

 

They were both quiet. Jasper ran his hand up and down Edward’s back. “I don’t think you’ll never see him again, the cocky bastard, I mean,” he said after a minute.  “There’s some comfort in the idea all we do is change.  We’re not frozen, Edward. We’re all in progress, and nothing is set in stone.”

 

Edward didn’t respond. He raised his head and looked at Jasper. His eyes were drawn, but there was also something careful about his expression. He tilted his head to press a small kiss to Jasper’s lips. Jasper kissed him back, and when that was okay, they both relaxed. Edward looped his arms around Jasper’s waist as they melted into slow, sweet, going-nowhere kisses.

 

“Can I stay?” Edward asked.

 

“Yeah. Whenever you want.”

 

They climbed under the covers. With Edward safe, for once, in his arms, Jasper slept solidly for the first time in two weeks.

 

**~0~**

 

Another week passed.  Some days were better than others. Sometimes Jasper could touch Edward, could hold him or kiss him. Other days, any stimulation was too much. There was no pattern, and though Jasper tried not to show it, the situation was frustrating for both of them.

 

Jasper wasn’t exasperated by Edward’s hot-or-cold reactions. Edward wasn’t the problem. What drove him mad was his own utter impotence when it came to Aro. It was counterintuitive to Jasper to sit silent while Edward had to face his abuser day after day. And Aro was actively abusing him. It should have been a no-brainer. There should have been no circumstance under which Jasper would tolerate Edward being tormented like that.

 

But, as usual, life wasn’t that simple.

 

Awful as it was, there was hope in the way Edward hadn’t withdrawn.  He’d had some devastatingly hard days and nights, plagued by breakdowns and nightmares, but he was fighting. He was actively fighting.

 

If Jasper told Carlisle or Esme what was going on, there would be fallout. There was no way Carlisle would be silent about it. There was no way he could be. Aro wasn’t his employee. Getting him away from Edward wouldn’t be easy. That involved people knowing something, and if Aro made a scene - and he was the kind of asshole who would - things could spiral out of control quickly.

 

Edward’s strength was fragile. Just how much could he take without breaking? Aro would be gone in a week. Surely there was no point in creating a new problem when the current problem would resolve itself.  Once Aro was gone again, now that Edward was aware of what had happened to him, surely they could both start to heal.

 

But the panic attack Edward had suffered the night before, after a neighbor startled him, had been terrifying.

 

Jasper was drawn out of his heavy thoughts by a familiar laugh. Startled, he looked up and found the source of the laughter across the coffee shop from him. Peter.

 

If felt like a lifetime ago he and Peter had been together. Had it really only been a few months? Jasper watched as a good looking guy wrapped his arm around Peter’s shoulders and whispered in his ear. Peter laughed again, his head thrown back. Jasper’s heart gave a quiet pang. He was glad to see Peter happy with a man who looked to be attentive. It was just the ease of the way the two men moved.

 

Jasper understood what Edward meant when he said he felt “other.” Jasper didn’t feel normal either. He was twenty-two. He didn’t talk like a man who had been a teenager only three years before. Though he’d tasted an easy relationship with Peter, it had never been his.

 

Aro had robbed them both, Edward and Jasper, of that.

 

As Peter and his friend turned to go, Peter glanced in Jasper’s direction. His eyes widened and his smile fell, but only for a moment. He bent his head close to the other man’s and spoke. The man looked in Jasper’s direction, smiled, ruffled Peter’s hair and strode out the door. Peter watched him go with a look of obvious affection before he headed in Jasper’s direction.

 

Jasper stood as Peter approached. “Hey,” he said.

 

“Hi,” Peter answered.

 

They did that awkward dance where neither was sure of the protocol. Did they shake, hug, keep their hands shoved deep in their pockets? After a second, Peter smirked. He extended his hand and pulled Jasper in for a hug.

 

“How are you?” Jasper asked when they’d done the back pat hug and release.

 

“Good.” Peter’s eyes brightened, and he gestured over his shoulder in the general direction of the door. “That’s Garrett. He’s a hopeless flirt. Can you believe him taking me to a damn coffee shop when I make coffee for a living? He thinks he’s funny.”

 

Jasper tilted his head to study Peter’s face. “You think he’s funny, too.”

 

Peter blushed. “Yeah, maybe a little.” He grinned and shrugged. “How about you? Edward pull his head out of his ass to see what’s right in front of him?”

 

Jasper felt a rush of annoyance, but it was fleeting. Peter didn’t mean anything bad. Jasper knew that. “Yeah, actually, he did.”

 

Peter’s eyes almost popped out of his head. “Really? Wow, that’s … that’s great! Right? It’s good?”

 

“Yeah, it’s a good thing.”

 

“He’s treating you right?”

 

“He is.”

 

Peter’s smile broadened. “That’s great. Not going to lie - I had my moments when I wanted nothing more than for you to regret walking away from all this.” He struck a pose and gestured at himself.

 

Jasper laughed. He thought about what his life could have been. It could have been him laughing and carefree, going on silly dates with a beautiful man on his arm. Instead he dealt with panic and terrible fury.

 

But Edward… watching his strength, his warmth toward Jasper despite the grievous wrong he’d suffered…

 

“I don’t regret you,” Jasper said to Peter.  “I hate that I hurt you, but I don’t regret the time we had. But I’m glad I’m where I am.”

 

“Yeah, me too.”

  
“That’s the important thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to my girls, barburella, jessypt, jfka06--my cheerleader--and songster, my hyphenator. Damn, that sounds dirty. I just mean she fixes all my hyphens, or should I say lack thereof.


	17. Forced Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay. *holds hands*

“Holy crow. What did you do to your hands?”

 

Edward jolted backward before Bella could take his hands. He regretted it instantly, but his heart was pounding and his throat dry. Her eyes flitted up to his. He held his breath and waited for her to finally call him out. Why had she never seen all his wrongness before? Instead, she only took a nonchalant step backward.

 

“Did you punch a wall or something?” she asked.

 

“Um.” Edward swallowed. As his panic ebbed, he was exasperated with himself again. Bella wasn’t going to hurt him. He flexed his aching hand, looking down at the healing scabs where the skin had broken. “Not a wall. I… Jasper bought a punching bag.”

 

“I think you’re supposed to used gloves.”

 

“Yeah.” Edward rubbed the back of his neck. “There were gloves. I didn’t use them, but they were there.” He’d been so angry. Coming off a crippling panic attack--home alone, he’d been sure he was going die--he’d screamed his pent-up rage and aggression into an empty house and pummeled the punching bag until his hands were a bloody mess. It was a miracle he hadn’t re-broken the bones.

 

“Guess that’ll learn you, eh?”

 

The corner of Edward’s mouth curled up. He wished he could hug Bella, but he didn’t dare. Not right then. “Yeah, I’d say I never make the same mistake twice, but…” He shrugged.

 

Bella raised an eyebrow. “You’ve done this to yourself before?”

 

“I got in a fight with a car once.” He ran his thumb along the thin scar between his fingers. It wasn’t the only one he had. His others were covered by fresh wounds. “I guess I have a problem with my temper.”

 

Bella was quiet, and he should have been desperate to know what she was thinking. He was certain he already knew. He heard the words as they came out of his mouth. He knew how crazy he sounded, and maybe he was. He was waiting for someone to call him on it.

 

“I get anger problems.” There was a far away quality to her tone as she spoke, and Edward raised his head. “Beating up cars is better than beating up someone else. Punching bags are a step in the right direction.” Her smile was thin as she focused on him. “Now you just have to remember to protect yourself. Jasper told me you play the piano.”

 

“He did?”

 

“Yeah.” She laughed, her smile more genuine then. “You two are cute when you talk about each other, you know that? He was so proud. According to him, you make beautiful music with those hands, so you should protect them.”

 

“I’ll try to remember that next time I Hulk out.”

 

Bella headed back to her office, and a minute later, Edward got up to refill his water bottle. As he tried to exit his cubicle, an arm shot out, blocking his exit. Edward stumbled back the few steps his small space allowed. He bumped into his desk quite hard, but he didn’t really feel it. He gripped the edge of the faux-wood, already shaking as Aro leaned into his space.

 

“So. Jasper is your boyfriend now, is he?” Aro said in that maddening tone he had--so feathery light and deceivingly innocent. “I should have known.”

 

Edward dug his fingernail into the flesh of his palm. He said nothing.

 

“You’re getting a little old to be such a fool,” Aro said. “That boy always had control over you.”

 

Scared as he was, Edward had to laugh. “It’s none of your business.” His voice wavered when he spoke, but he was glad he was able to get that much out.

 

“He was the reason we broke up. I think that makes it my business. He’s the reason you look at me like that. Like you think I’m going to attack you.” Aro scoffed, but his eyes seemed genuinely sad.

 

Edward did his best to glare at Aro even as he inched his way to the furthest corner of his cubicle. He was trying his damndest not to cower. The sound of clacking computers and soft conversation seemed surreal given the terror he felt. The look on Aro’s face and his words sent a spark of doubt and confusion through Edward, but he quashed it. “Jasper has nothing to do with this.”

 

“Don’t give me that.” Aro wagged a finger in his face. “He was always jealous of us. Feeding you lies from the beginning and now look at you. He’s made you a pathetic excuse of a boy. Look at you.” His lip curled in disgust. “You’re scared of your own shadow. Is that what you call love?”

 

Edward’s nostrils flared as he tried to keep his cool. He both wanted to lash out--loudly, the rest of the office be damned--and he wanted to be far away from Aro. His thoughts were getting more muddled. “If I’m so pathetic, then why are you wasting your time?

 

Aro had been leaning forward, pressing into Edward’s personal space, but when a pair of Edward’s coworkers passed, he straightened up and made his stance more casual. He looked over his shoulder, nodding at the others. Edward looked down at his feet and dug his fingernails into his palms again, trying to keep himself grounded.

 

When the others had passed, Aro looked back at him, his gaze appraising. He sighed and took a step toward Edward, his palm out. Edward flinched backward, hitting his back again on the edge of the desk. A hurt look flitted across Aro’s features. “I hate what he’s done to you, to us. There doesn’t need to be bad blood between us, Edward.”

 

“Get. Away. From me.”

 

Aro shook his head, his jaw tightening. “Such a stunning display of maturity. It’s a shame you’ve been weak-minded enough to let him taint your reality. Best of luck with that.”

 

With those last words, Aro turned and walked off. Edward reached a shaking hand toward his chair and managed to drag it over before he collapsed in it.

 

Every time. Every fucking time.

 

No matter how many times Edward told himself Aro was full of shit, he was, as Jasper said, manipulative and cruel, he still found himself uncertain in the other man’s presence.  And every time--every time--Aro left him with that feeling… like ugliness permeated his skin and oozed from his every pore. He could swear his skin was as twisted as his insides. He clawed at his arms through his sweater as he bent over, hanging his head between his knees.

 

A few more days. Just a few more days. He could make it that long.

**~0~**

It was hard to tell the worst part to deal with: The fog, the fear, or the exhaustion.

 

The exhaustion was near total. It was the kind of fatigue he felt down to his bones, It hurt. His muscles ached. Work took every ounce of his energy. More. Too much. These days, he was asleep on the couch the moment he was in the door.

 

As if the physical effects weren’t enough, his headspace was a mess. The fog that clouded his mind had the consistency of molasses. Each thought he had moved through it, slow and blind. And maybe that would have been fine if it weren’t for the fact every thought, every emotion triggered a domino effect. He would begin to process what Jasper was saying, what he just watched on television, what he should have been doing instead of staring into space again, and the thought would get lost in the fog. Frustration would follow, along with a string of self-berating. These thoughts too would enter the fray, zinging around his head at a snail’s pace until he was thoroughly checked out.

 

Like then.

 

Edward had gotten lost in the feel of hot water coursing over his wounded hands as he stood at the sink in the bathroom . He wasn’t aware of his surroundings until a hand touched his upper back. Then he jumped, yanking his hands out of the water as he whirled to see what had him.

 

Jasper. Just Jasper with his hands held up in a placating gesture. Edward blinked at him, catching his breath as Jasper moved forward with slow, deliberate movements. He reached past Edward to turn the hot water off.

 

Edward looked down at his fingers and realized only then his fingers were pruned. How long had he been standing there? What was he doing at the sink in the first place?

 

But Edward was distracted from that line of thought by Jasper's horrified expression. "Edward, what happened to your back?"

 

The throb of pain in Edward's lower back was hardly discernible from every other ache. He pulled down the back of his hoodie, self-conscious and very aware of the strip of exposed skin. "Don't worry. I did this to myself."

 

“How? Or I should say, why?”

 

Edward tugged at the edges of hoodie as he stared down at the floor.

 

“Edward.”

 

Swallowing was painful. “H...He startled me. I bumped into my desk, that’s all.”

 

“You backed into it.” Jasper spread his hand over the small of Edward’s back with a light touch. “More than once.”

 

Edward chewed the inside of his cheek, but he haltingly told the story. Looking down as he was, he saw Jasper’s hands clenched in fists.

 

“None of that is workplace appropriate, Edward. You have a legitimate reason to complain. You-”

 

“Don’t. Just don’t.” Edward’s breath was erratic at the mere thought of telling anyone anything.

 

Jasper pushed his hood back off his head. “Okay. Okay.”  He rubbed his thumb behind Edward’s ear. “I hope you’ll tell your parents. Even if it’s after he’s gone.”

 

Edward was shaking his head before Jasper got the second word out. “No.”

 

“Your parents love you, Edward. They-”

 

“No. I don’t want them to know.” He took a deep breath. “I hate that you know.”

 

“They can help.”

 

Edward laughed. “No one can help.”

 

Jasper looped his arms around Edward’s waist and pulled him closer. He said nothing, but he pressed a long kiss to Edward’s forehead. Edward closed his eyes and let himself try to forget for another night.

**~0~**

Edward’s breakfast and lunch consisted of coffee drinks or Red Bulls. Anything to keep him awake. His appetite had diminished to almost nothing. He sat at his desk, rubbing his eyes as he stared at his computer screen.

 

“Hey, Edward.”

 

Edward jumped, but he was only scared momentarily. “Oh. H-hey, Mike.”

 

“Did you hear the news?”

 

“I guess not.”

 

“News on the vine is they’re making a permanent position for one of the guys at Volturi Inc. An in-house liaison position or something like that.”

 

A chill went down Edward’s spine and dread made his skin crawl. “H-how how…” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and tried again. “How do you know that?”

 

“The Volturi people were talking about it in the breakroom. Only a couple of them are interested in it.”

 

Edward shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them busy. His palms were sweating. “Who?”

 

“Your Dad’s got your friend in his office right now.”

 

“My friend…”

 

“The one who’s always talking to you?”

 

Edward’s stomach churned. He was on his feet and brushing past Mike in the next heartbeat. He barely made it to the bathroom in time. He fell to his knees in front of the commode and lost whatever mixture of coffee and bile was in his stomach.

 

The world was spinning on its axis. Edward was dizzy. His vision was black around the edges, pulling inward. He wanted to run. He needed to run. How he managed to get to his feet when he was trembling like a leaf in a windstorm, Edward had no idea. He dragged himself up and stumbled out of the stall. He could only make it as far as the sink before he had to brace himself.

 

His breath was high pitched and ragged. He smacked at the faucet until he managed to get the water turned on and splashed his face. He rinsed out his mouth and tried to get his thoughts to stop screaming at him all at once.

 

He couldn’t jump to conclusions. Rumors were just that: rumors.

 

But no. He knew it was true. Of course it was true. He’d been holding on to the idea Aro would go away, and maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay. Jasper was still there with him despite the ugly truth. As long as Jasper didn’t think he was disgusting, he would be okay. He could go back to the semblance of a happy life he’d glimpsed right before Aro showed up.

 

Now his ex was going to destroy it all.

 

“Hey, Edward. Are you okay, man?”

 

Edward gripped the sink, startled at the sound of Mike’s voice. The other man had followed him into the bathroom. He reached for Edward’s shoulder, but Edward recoiled away, abruptly panicked. He was wracked with the anxiety that Mike would figure it all out in another second. He would know.

 

Edward ran. Again.

 

This time he ducked into the supply closet, the same one Bella had found him in months ago. He backed himself into a corner and slid down to the floor.

 

Edward rocked in the darkness. He threaded his fingers in his hair and pulled hard. His body quaked. This had to be close to what it was like to be a captive being walked toward the gallows. He knew death wouldn’t be quick or merciful. He wasn’t going to be one of those characters from novels who went to their deaths with their head held high, his gait steady. No, he was going to be the one pleading and crying and making his guards drag him forward.

 

Not a man. Not a strong person.

 

Edward clapped his hands hard over his ears as though he could block out the panicking voice in his head. Even a slow death had an end. How long would he have to be faced with this man, the man who’d hurt him? He didn’t ask for justice because he knew there could be none. He didn’t ask for an apology, as little good as it would do him even if Aro were to ever say the words. He didn’t ask for his old life back, his lost confidence, the years of progress that had been stolen from him. All he wanted was peace, just peace. Peace enough that he might build something. So that he could be a good partner to Jasper, a good son, a good person.

 

With a growl of pure, impotent frustration, Edward reached out. He grabbed the first thing that came to hand and hurled it at the wall.

 

No. He couldn’t let this happen. These last four weeks he had depended on the idea Aro would be gone when the project was over. That was the deal. That was the only thing that had kept him getting out of bed each morning.

 

So what, he was going to go back to how he’d been before, surviving on the bare minimum?

 

How much was Aro going to take from him without batting an eyelash?

 

Edward reached up. His legs wobbled, and he had to cling to the shelving to keep himself from falling. His heart pounded hard against his chest, but he took the first step forward. And then the next step. And then he was walking down the hall toward his father’s office. He reeled away from Mike when he tried to stop him. He kept his head down and stumbled forward in jolts and jerks.

 

His coworkers would probably think he was insane, but he didn’t care, he couldn’t care, not if he was going to get through this.

 

“Hey, Edward. He’s in a meeting,” Carlisle’s assistant started. He stood when it was obvious Edward didn’t intend to stop. “Hey. You can’t go in there. You can’t-”

 

Edward hip checked him to the side and pushed into his father’s office.

 

“Edward?” Carlisle furrowed his eyebrows.

 

“Sorry, sir. He-” his assistant tried, but Edward interrupted.

 

“I need to talk to you, Dad.” His voice spiked. He knew Aro was in the room, of course. He could see him in his periphery, but he was doing his best to look only at Carlisle. As it was, he felt lightheaded, as though he was going to vomit again any second.

 

“Thank you, Eleazar, I’ll take care of it. I’m in the middle of a meeting, Edward.” Carlisle turned to Aro. “I’m sorry about this, Mr. Scarpinato.”

 

“Not to worry, Mr. Cullen. I’m very well acquainted with Edward’s more dramatic tendencies.”

 

Edward looked to the ground, clenching his hands in fists.

 

“What are you talking about?” Carlisle asked, his voice careful.

 

Edward’s throat was dry. Right then, he couldn’t speak. He wanted to, but it was almost impossible to breathe let alone speak. The truth would sound different from Aro’s mouth. It always did.

 

“Edward didn’t tell you? I hope you don’t mind me being blunt. He and I were lovers when he was a Freshman and I was a grad student.”

 

“Lovers.” The word tasted vile in Edward’s mouth. He forced the next words out through gritted teeth. “We weren’t lovers. What you did to me wasn’t about love.”

 

“Oh, it’s going to be this argument, is it?” Aro chuckled. The sound rubbed Edward’s nerves raw. “The lies Jasper has filled your head with.”

 

For the first time, Edward lifted his head. He took a step in Aro’s direction, forcing himself to look him in the eyes. “Don’t talk about him. Don’t say his name.”

 

Again, Aro just laughed.

 

Gnashing his teeth, Edward took another step forward. Carlisle was up out of his seat in the next instant. He put a restraining hand on Edward’s shoulder. “What’s going on here? What are you talking about?”

 

Aro stood up as well and crossed his arms over his chest. He smirked as he took a few unconcerned steps in their direction. “Yes, Edward. Do tell your father the ridiculous things your boyfriend has put in your head.”

 

Doubt nagged at Edward’s thoughts. By then, he had no illusions about what had happened between him and Aro. He knew what Aro had done. But what did his father know? Carlisle knew Aro as a hard worker, an intelligent, polite man. And Edward had proven over and over how erratic and undependable he was. “I…” He swallowed down the lump in his throat and ducked his head. “I don’t think you should hire him.”

 

“Why?” Carlisle stood in front of Edward, both hands on his shoulders then. “Tell me.”

 

“He’s…” Edward closed his eyes. “He’s a rapist.” It was hard to say that word. Edward broke out in a cold sweat. He knew he was trembling.

 

Carlisle’s grip tightened on his shoulders. “Edward,” he whispered.

 

“He raped me.”

 

For one second, the world slowed and stopped. The room was silent. Edward waited for the world to end.

 

Aro laughed again. “You see, he-”

 

But his words were cut off with the sound of a fist hitting skin. Hard. Edward’s head snapped up in time to see Aro stagger back, his head turned to the side and his hand to his cheek. When Aro looked back up, he and Edward both stared at Carlisle with saucer-wide eyes.

 

Edward had never seen his father’s face so twisted with fury. He took an instinctive step back.

 

The struck-dumb expression on Aro’s face faded into indignation. “Have you lost your-” To Edward’s everlasting surprise, Carlisle punched Aro again. This time there was a sickening crunch. Aro groaned, and when he raised his head, his nose was bloody, obviously broken.

 

“Get out of my sight before I kill you.” Carlisle’s voice was so menacing, a sharp stab of fear went down Edward’s spine. Though his words weren’t aimed at him, he felt the absolute sureness of the threat. Carlisle meant it. Edward was sure if Aro wasn’t gone in the next ten seconds, he was going to act on it.

 

Aro must have been sure too because he didn’t need to be told twice. He made a beeline for the door. Coward that he was, he waited until he was well out of punching distance before he turned back. “I’m calling the police.” His words sounded ridiculous between the broken nose and the shake in his voice.

 

“Try me.” Carlisle took a step in his direction, and for once, it was Aro shrinking backward. “Eleazar.” By then his assistant had appeared in the doorway, looking as wide-eyed and incredulous as Edward felt. “Call security. I want Mr. Scarpinato escorted off the property. Now.”

 

“Y-yes, sir.”

 

Whatever Aro yelled over his shoulder as he was taken away, Edward didn’t hear. His heart was pounding too loud and hard. It was a roar in his ears. His lungs tightened. His throat closed off. His legs buckled and he fell to his knees.

 

“Edward.” His father was down on the floor with him in the next second, his hands on either side of Edward’s clammy cheeks.

 

“I’m sorry.” The words were a barely-there whisper. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

 

“Oh, Edward. Come here.”

 

When Carlisle pulled, Edward fell, almost boneless, into his arms. He clutched at the back of his suit-jacket, reeling as Carlisle held him tight. He continued to chant the words, muffled though they were against his father’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

 

“Shhh. Stop. Just stop. There’s nothing to be sorry about. Shhhh.” The words were shaky. Edward could feel his father’s hands in his hair, but he was having trouble making any sense of the world. He wanted to panic. He wanted to faint. He thought he felt Carlisle turn his head to press a kiss to the side of his hair. “This was it? This was why… everything?”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay.”

 

“No it’s not. He’s going to call the cops. He’ll do it.” He sounded like a hysterical five-year-old.

 

“Don’t worry. Don’t you worry about that.” He pulled back, his hands cupping Edward’s face again. “This is what you’ve been dealing with all this time?”

 

Edward couldn’t speak anymore, and he couldn’t look Carlisle in the eyes. He felt hideous, deformed, tainted by what Aro had done to him. He nodded, too ashamed to manage much more than a jerk of his head.

 

“Oh, God. Why…” Carlisle pulled him close again. “I’m sorry.”

 

Edward’s breath hitched. He didn’t want to cry. He was so sick of crying. He wanted to be strong. He wanted to show his father he was okay, but he wasn’t. He waited for the other foot to fall. He waited to hear disgust in his father’s voice.

 

“I love you,” Carlisle said instead. “And I’m here now.”

 

Edward let him pull him up to his feet and over to the couch. “It’s going to be okay,” Carlisle said. He stroked the tears from Edward’s cheeks. Edward let him. He could hardly move. He was afraid to think. His father wasn’t disgusted with him. The world hadn’t ended because someone besides Jasper knew.

 

“We’re all going to get through this.”

 

If only for that second, Edward let himself believe Carlisle’s words. He gasped, the vice grip on his chest eased, and for the first time in what felt like forever, Edward took a deep breath. He was disoriented, dizzy with the lightness on his shoulders.

 

“I love you,” Carlisle said again. “Nothing is going to change that.”

 

Those were the exact right words, the words Edward had needed to hear for too long, the words he had denied himself.  He breathed in again. In and out. In and out.

 

And he kept breathing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey kids… are we all doing okay?
> 
> Jfka06 requested a Carlisle PoV of this chapter, so I’ll be posting that probably in the morning. Many, many, many thanks to her, songster, barburella and jessypt.
> 
> Eager to hear all your thoughts.


	18. Forced Hand - Carlisle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, as previously mentioned, this is chapter seventeen from Carlisle’s PoV. I tried not to be too repetitious. This is just a small peek in his mind. Jfka06 asked, and what my baby wants, she gets.

Carlisle sat behind his desk lost in thought. He was worried. Twenty-six years after he became a father for the first time, he had yet to get used to the constant worry.

 

When they were growing up, Carlisle always assumed it would be his eldest son who would cause him the most sleepless nights.  Emmett’s childhood had been filled with scrapes, stitches, and broken bones. He had a hell of a concussion once. His teenage years had been fraught with drugs and alcohol. He wasn’t a bad kid. He simply made some poor decisions in the name of having fun.

 

By contrast, Edward was an easy child. He had piano recitals and straight A’s. He and his best friend got into mischief, but unlike Emmett, there weren’t emergency room visits or police cars involved.

 

Emmett had gone to college a few years later than scheduled, but he got there. He found Rose. He started working. They were talking about starting a family. Things with Emmett were good.

 

Edward on the other hand…

 

Carlisle wasn’t sure he could pinpoint where Edward went wrong. When he returned home from school after his freshman year, he was different. He was withdrawn and spent most his time in his room. It seemed to Carlisle and Esme that he was hiding something, and when he said he wasn’t going back to school, they thought they understood his attitude. They were disappointed, of course. They tried to talk him out of it, but ultimately Edward was an adult. It wasn’t the end of the world. A lot of people dropped out for a time or didn’t go to college at all. They did what they could, and let their son live his life knowing his parents loved him.

 

Slowly, though, Edward’s moods became more erratic. They didn’t see him constantly, but each time he was worse. The changes from one visit to another weren’t perceptible. From month to month, year to year, his life crumbled to pieces.

 

Given his experience with Emmett, Carlisle was almost sure his youngest son was on drugs.

 

Carlisle had thought he was turning around. Since he’d started working, Edward seemed to be doing better.

 

“You mind if I speak frankly, sir?” Edward’s boss, Maggie, had asked when Carlisle inquired after his son.

 

“I welcome it. You know that.”

 

“You seem nervous about Edward. You really shouldn’t be. You’ve raised a good kid. He has your work ethic.”

 

Maggie had been confident enough in Edward’s ability to put him on the team being assembled to work with Volturi Inc. Carlisle was proud, though uncertain. He’d been working to secure an alliance with Volturi Inc. for years. Thinking as a CEO and thinking as a father clashed.

 

As Edward had pointed out, if Carlisle wasn’t his father as well as his CEO, they wouldn’t have a problem at all. He went ahead with Edward on the team despite his reservations. After a stumble in the beginning, Edward had pulled through. His work was impeccable.

 

But Maggie had mentioned Edward asked to be taken out of the project. She’d declined his request, and he hadn’t given any trouble since then. As Edward’s CEO, Carlisle couldn’t be more pleased.

 

As Edward’s father, Carlisle had never been more worried. His son was pale as death. He looked sickly. He was losing weight, and he’d been lanky to begin with. He seemed to be shrinking into that hoodie of his. Carlisle hated that hoodie.

 

Edward used to be such a confident boy.

 

His intercom buzzed. “Mr. Cullen? Aro Scarpinato is here.”

 

“Send him in, Eleazar.”

 

Carlisle shook off his worry to concentrate on his job.

 

Aro Scarpinato was one of those men who was going places. It was clear to everyone who met him. He was charismatic and smart--a double major in business and finance with a minor in world history. He was picture perfect for the job at hand.

 

On a personal level, Carlisle figured out quickly he would have to be careful. Though Aro was perfectly polite, he could almost see the younger man’s wheels spinning. He was the type of man who was already planning the day when he took over the company. A man that ambitious was usually thinking about what was best for himself rather than what was best for the company.

 

As they were going over the finer details of what Aro’s responsibilities would be, there was a commotion outside Carlisle’s door. He looked over just as Edward stumbled in. His eyes were wild, his face ashen. Carlisle was both embarrassed and concerned. Edward had caused more than his fair share of scenes these last few years. The others had all been with the family, but Carlisle knew better than to believe he wasn’t capable of throwing an irrational fit in his place of business. On the other hand, the look in his eyes was different than Carlisle had ever seen.

 

“Not to worry, Mr. Cullen,” Aro said. “I’m very well acquainted with Edward’s more dramatic tendencies.”

 

Carlisle glanced back and forth between his son and Aro. Edward radiated shame. His hands were clenched in fists, but his posture was slumped. Broken.

 

In stark contrast, Aro wore an arrogant expression. His was the face of a man who knew a secret that could destroy his opponent. Carlisle had seen it often enough in his line of business, but seeing it aimed at his son set him on edge. “What are you talking about?”

 

Aro’s next words would have had Carlisle’s eyebrows arching right off his head if he weren’t so used to keeping his emotions from his face. When Edward had come out, he had mentioned a young man, but had brushed him off as unimportant. To the best of Carlisle’s knowledge, there had been no one between that mystery young man and Jasper just a few weeks before.

 

Aro was an ex-boyfriend, and Edward hadn’t said anything. And now that he had said it, Edward looked like he was going to throw up or faint. That was an extreme reaction even by Edward’s standards.

 

When Aro referred to them as lovers, Edward’s posture stiffened. The tone of his voice twisted something deep in Carlisle’s gut. There was pain there. Pain and anger.

 

“We weren’t lovers,” his son said. “What you did to me wasn’t about love.”

 

Carlisle’s blood ran cold. Something in his head pulled out a catalogue of Edward’s behavior over the past few years, the past few weeks especially, and horrifying pieces began to line up. When Edward took a step toward Aro in anger, Carlisle stopped him for two reasons. First and foremost, he needed to understand what was going on. He grasped at any reason to dismiss the sickening notion that had begun to take root in his head, even if it meant Edward’s behavior was taking a turn toward the more erratic again. But above that, there was a growing need to protect what was his. He wanted Edward far away from Aro.

 

“What are you talking about?” he asked his son. He heard Aro approach, bristled at the taunt of his words, but he kept his focus on his son.

 

Edward wasn’t looking at him. The way he held himself was so submissive, it made Carlisle want to scream. He swallowed audibly. What little color had risen to his cheeks drained away. “I don’t think you should hire him.”

 

Carlisle squeezed Edward’s shoulders, trying to draw a reaction from him; trying to get him to look up. “Why? Tell me.” Those were the only words he could get out, but he hoped they were enough. He hoped Edward could hear what he was saying. There wasn’t anything he couldn’t tell Carlisle. He hoped his son knew that.

 

Edward started to tremble under his grasp. “He…” Edward closed his eyes. His voice shook almost as badly as his body. “He’s a rapist.”

 

A jolt of pure shock went down Carlisle’s spine as full-bodied dread seized him. Scenarios had played out in his head in the minutes that had passed. He thought perhaps Aro might have physically abused Edward. This. This… Every part of him wanted to dismiss the idea his child, his baby boy could have been hurt in this way. “Edward…” he whispered, and he couldn’t finish his sentence. He might have begged his son to tell him it wasn’t true.

 

Instead, Edward whispered the last words Carlisle wanted to hear in a thin, scared voice. “He raped me.”

 

Despite the fact he knew it was coming, the words had the effect of a sucker punch to the stomach. For two seconds that felt like an eternity, Carlisle couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He had two boys, two sons. This wasn’t something he’d ever imagined his children would have to deal with. Not this.

 

Aro’s laughter brought the world back into focus. Carlisle had never been more infuriated by a sound. In a fraction of a second, rage burned in his veins. He’d never been in a fight in his life, but it was pure instinct to swing. He punched Aro Scarpinato so hard, the other man twisted to the side and stumbled backward. The only thing that kept him from advancing on Aro was the terrified look on Edward’s face. He was scaring his son.

 

Then Aro spoke again, or he tried to. Carlisle was seconds away from tearing the man apart. It took the last shred of self-control he had to only punch Aro in the face again. His hand, his whole arm, was wracked with pain, but he hardly felt it. Aro’s face was streaked with blood from his nose, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t nearly enough. Carlisle was bloodthirsty. He wanted to see the other man broken. “Get out of my sight before I kill you.”

 

Aro skittered backward, toward the door, just as Eleazar was coming in to see what the commotion was about. From the safety of the doorway he hurled a few threats. He was still yelling when Carlisle slammed the door of his office shut.

 

Fury was a roar between his ears that overtook everything else until he heard the sounds Edward was making. His breath was erratic. He was whimpering. As Carlisle turned, Edward swayed on his feet and crumpled to his knees.

 

Carlisle sunk down in front of his son and took his face in his hands. His cheeks were ice cold to the touch, and he trembled so hard, Carlisle wouldn’t have been surprised if he shook right out of his skin. It was a terrifying sight. No parent wanted to see his child so scared and in pain while they were helpless to stop it.

 

It took a few seconds for Carlisle to parse out the tangle of words Edward rambled in high-pitched, panicky tones. It was only two words. Over and over again. “I’m sorry.”

 

To that point, Carlisle had been uncertain what he should do. Would Edward want to be touched? He hadn’t before. But when he heard those words, saw Edward rapidly crumbling to pieces, Carlisle pulled his son into his arms and held him like he had when he was a tiny boy. Edward didn’t resist. Instead, he leaned into Carlisle’s embrace, his hands clutching at his back.

 

If he could have, Carlisle would have folded Edward inside his own body, protected him from this suffering. He offered what comfort he could. He murmured soft words against Edward’s hair. He was reeling, but he needed to be strong for his boy. His head was a mess of questions he wanted to ask, things he needed to know. Every incomprehensible moment in years suddenly fell into place. Edward’s depression, his bouts of anger, his withdrawal from everything. The loss of confidence and self-esteem. His constant self-deprecation. The way he lashed out at Emmett for no apparent reason made sense now. Emmett was big and broad and prone to getting in people’s personal space. He expressed himself physically, and of course, of course, if this was what had happened, it would have set Edward on edge.

 

“This was it? This was why… everything?” Carlisle didn’t know why, of all his questions, that was the one he voiced.

 

Edward twisted his fingers in the back of Carlisle’s jacket. “I’m sorry.”

 

His whisper was so broken. Edward was so broken.

 

“Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay.”

 

“No it’s not. He’s going to call the cops. He’ll do it.”

 

Carlisle’s heart twisted. His beautiful, giving son. Here he was, rocked to his core, and he was concerned for his father. “Don’t worry. Don’t you worry about that.” He pulled back, his hands cupping Edward’s face again. “This is what you’ve been dealing with all this time?”

 

Edward wouldn’t look up. He looked so guilty, it stoked an anger so deep inside Carlisle, it was poison in his blood. Carlisle had never been a violent man, but he was going to kill Aro Scarpinato. He was going to rip the flesh from his bones.

 

Carlisle’s mood swung again when Edward nodded.

 

“Oh, God. Why…” He wanted to ask why Edward hadn’t told him; why had he suffered on his own; why had he subjected himself to Aro day after day in the name of work? But then, Carlisle knew the answer to some of those questions. The pressure he’d put on his son… Regret twisted his insides, and he held Edward closer. “I’m sorry.”

 

Edward shuddered. He made a whining noise, like he was trying hard not to cry, but it wasn’t quite working. He dragged in a breath, but he didn’t breathe out. Carlisle scrambled for the right words, What was he supposed to say? What could he say?

 

In the end, though, there was only one thing he could say, the most important thing. “I love you, and I’m here now.” He got his arms around Edward and pulled him up to his feet. Edward followed willingly, his body pliant. They walked a few steps backward, and Carlisle pulled Edward with him down on the couch. He tried again to get Edward to look at him, and he brushed his tears away. Edward didn’t look up or speak, but he didn’t pull back. His lower lip trembled, and he bit down hard.

 

Trying to stop crying, Carlisle realized. Trying to pull himself together even though fear was etched on his features.

 

“We’re all going to get through this,” Carlisle said because that was his job. Edward was his son, his little boy. He needed to know his daddy was going to be there for him even when there really were monsters under the bed.

 

Edward gasped, finally taking a deep enough breath. He gulped again, breathing in wheezes and whining pants.

  
“I love you.” Carlisle pulled him forward again and wrapped him up in his arms. “Nothing is going to change that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So there’s a little bit of what Daddy C has been thinking. Thanks to my girls… you should have seen the grammar debates in this chapter. I love them.


	19. Not A Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: We’re all on Team Carlisle, it seems.

By the time Bella called Jasper, all hell had broken loose.

 

“Jasper, is there any way you can get off work a little early?”

 

“How early? For what? What’s happened?”

 

“Um. Now? Now would be great.”

 

Jasper closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was already speed-

walking toward his boss’s office. “Is it Edward?”

 

“Uh. Yes? No.” Bella huffed. Her voice shook as she spoke. “Carlisle was arrested today. Just now, actually.”

 

Jasper stopped walking. His heart skipped a beat. “What?”

 

“I don’t know. It’s chaos over here. They’re saying Carlisle beat up one of the guys from Volturi Inc.”

 

Jasper’s blood ran cold. “Which one?”

 

“I keep hearing the name Aro, but that doesn’t sound right. Is that even a real name?”

 

“Oh, God. How’s Edward?”

 

“That’s what I’m calling about. He’s… he’s a wreck. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t make any sense of what he’s saying at all. He won’t explain anything to me, but he keeps asking for you.”

 

“Yeah. I’ll be there. I can be there in ten minutes.”

 

“No. Meet me at the Cullen house. I need to get Edward out of here.”

 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Fuck.” Jasper wished he could fly or better yet, snap his fingers and be at his boyfriend’s side. “I’ll be right there.”

**~0~**

Jasper sprinted up the Cullens’ front walk and didn’t bother knocking. Esme was at the police station bailing her husband out of jail, and Emmett was en route. He found Edward with Bella in the living room.

 

She was right. He was a wreck. He had his head in his hands so low, his forehead was almost touching his knees. Bella rubbed his back, but the expression on her face was lost. When Jasper called his name, Edward lifted his head. He sprinted forward and hit Jasper’s chest with a force that nearly knocked him over.

 

“I got you,” Jasper said as he wrapped his arms around Edward.

 

“This is my fault. I-I-I just freaked out, and I told him… I told him…”

 

Jasper pulled back to look at Edward. “It was Aro, right?” Edward flinched at the name and closed his eyes. “What did he do?”

 

Edward’s breaths came in shallow pants. He held on to Jasper’s arms as though they were the only thing holding him up. “He didn’t…” He swallowed hard and tried again. “They’re making a new position for one of the Volturi people.”

 

Jasper’s stomach twisted uncomfortably. “They wanted him to do it?”

 

“I couldn’t… I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t think about what would happen. I just… I wanted him gone. That’s what I was depending on. So I went in there, and I…I told him. I told my father.”

 

Despite the situation, Jasper felt like smiling. The weight around his heart loosened, lightened.

 

It wasn’t a secret. It wasn’t a secret anymore.

 

“That’s good. That’s a good thing, Edward.”

 

“How can you say that? If I hadn’t overreacted, Dad wouldn’t have done what he did.”

 

“You didn’t overreact.”

 

“Yes, I did. I should have dealt with it on my own. They arrested Dad in front of everyone, Jasper. Everyone. I-”

 

They were interrupted when the door opened. Edward shrank back. His posture changed instantly. He unwound himself from Jasper’s arms and bowed his head, looking for all the world like a contrite child about to be punished.

 

When they walked in the door, it was immediately obvious Esme had been crying her eyes out. Carlisle must have told her, because she raced to Edward’s side and pulled him close. Carlisle, looking a little rumpled but no worse for the wear, crossed the room to join them. Jasper stepped back, going to stand beside Bella as the family hugged each other.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Edward said.

 

Carlisle guided Edward’s head to his shoulder. “Don’t be sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m not sorry.”

 

“But what’s going to happen now? They can’t… I mean, you won’t go to jail, will you?”

 

“No. Please don’t worry about that, Edward. There’s nothing to worry about.”

 

“But-”

 

“Edward.” This time it was his mother who spoke. She sniffled as she brushed her fingers through his hair. “It’s not important. We’re fine. You father’s going to be just fine.”

 

“But the company-’

 

“Let me deal with the company,” Carlisle said.

 

“You told me. Your company, remember? Your reputation is on the line, and I fucked it up.”

 

“What else did I tell you, hmm? You’re worth more to me than all of it.” He took Edward by the shoulders. “Is that what you think? That you’ve embarrassed me?”

 

Edward hung his head and didn’t speak.

 

“I’m not embarrassed. At least, I’m not embarrassed of you. I’m ashamed of myself. How could I have missed this...but you? Edward, I’m in awe of you. I’ve never been prouder of you.”

 

That got Edward to raise his head. Even from across the room, Jasper could read the incredulity and doubt written all over Edward’s face.

 

“I can’t imagine how much strength it took for you to come into work while he…” Carlisle’s features twisted with fury, but he calmed just as quickly. “I couldn’t even be in the room with him five seconds without...well…”

 

“Edward.” Esme stroked his cheeks, her smile weak but assuring as she looked on her son. “Don’t worry about the company or anything else. A broken nose is the least of what that bastard deserves.”

 

Jasper could see the exact moment when it hit Edward that both his parents knew--really knew--what had happened to him. His face went bone pale, and he stumbled a few steps backward, out of their arms. He shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets. Jasper took a step toward him, but Bella’s hand on his arm stopped him.

 

His every instinct was to protect Edward, to comfort him when he suffered, but that was half the problem. He’d been doing it alone for too long. This was what he’d wanted for so long. Edward needed the support. Whether or not he thought he wanted it, he needed it. This was a good thing. It was like Edward admitting to himself he’d been raped--devastatingly painful but necessary.

 

Edward’s mother called his name as she stepped toward him, not letting him get too far but not touching him either. “Sweetheart, I don’t know the right thing to say.” Her voice cracked, but she took a deep breath. “But whatever you need, we’re here.”

 

“I don’t… I don’t need anything. If he… He’s gone, right?”

 

“Of course,” Carlisle said. “Whatever happens, he’s not welcome anywhere near the building. If he even thinks about it, his nose would be the least of his worries.”

 

Despite the heaviness of the situation, Edward smiled. It was a small smile, but it was there. He had his arms wrapped around his torso, but he stepped toward his parents and let them hold him.

**~0~**

An hour later, Bella was leaving as the Cullens’ lawyer, Tanya Ivanova, was coming in. Bella hugged Edward to her and whispered something in his ear before she let him go.

 

It was good she was there, Jasper thought. In the long run, having a friend there who wasn’t his family or his boyfriend might do him some good. Jasper rubbed his eyes. In the long run. It was going to be a very long run, but they were on the road.

 

Jasper sat beside Edward and took his hand in both of his.

 

The topic of discussion was, of course, Carlisle’s sudden legal problems.

 

“I don’t want to fight this, Tanya.”

 

“I have to advise against that. I’ve known you for years, Carlisle. There has to be a reason you did this. A good reason. A reason that will get you off.”

 

Carlisle was already shaking his head. “I don’t care. I want this to go away as quickly as possible.”

 

Tanya studied him, the look on her face mildly exasperated. “Worst case scenario? Probation and a fine.”

 

Edward squeezed Jasper’s hands hard.

 

“This is bullshit,” Emmett said. He stood up, ignoring Rosalie trying to pull him back down. “Dad, that fucking prick is the one who should be in jail, not you.’’

 

“I’m not going to jail, Emmett.”

 

“Again. You’ve already been, which is bullshit. Can’t we do anything about what he did?”

 

“What did he do?” Tanya asked. “Carlisle, if this attack was provoked, I can make the argument-”

 

“There’s no argument to make. I did what I did. I want this done as quickly as possible.” Carlisle took a deep breath. “You said worst case scenario. What’s the likelihood of that?”

 

“Not very,” Tanya admitted. “Even if you got an asshole judge… no priors, bastion of the community, and you have a fantastic lawyer.”

 

The mood in the room lightened ever so slightly.

 

“So what are we looking at?” Esme asked.

 

“A fine. Maybe anger management classes.”

 

Jasper wanted to laugh. The idea of Carlisle Cullen needing anger management should have been hilarious.

 

“But again I want to encourage you, one last time, to fight this,” Tanya said. “It leaves you vulnerable in the very likely event of a civil suit.”

 

“Whatever he wants, settle. Out of court.”

 

Carlisle’s pronouncement sat about as well as a brick in Jasper’s gut. His stomach churned, and his blood rang with fury. The idea of Aro winning from this whole situation was sickening.

 

As soon as Tanya had left, Emmett started in. “What is the problem here? Why are we pretending like this asshole didn’t deserve everything he got, if not more? Hell, if you’re just going to go down quietly, you should have really fucked him up. At least made this worth it. Edward.” Emmett turned to his brother. “You should hold him accountable. You should-”

 

“Emmett.” Esme’s voice was a warning. Jasper was glad she’d interrupted whatever her eldest son was about to say, because he was about to do some punching of his own. Throughout Emmett’s outburst, Edward had begun to shrink in on himself again.

 

“Well, this sucks. This is fucked up. This-”

 

“Emmett.” This time it was Carlisle who spoke. He swallowed hard. “I wish I could say there was a recourse for this, but there isn’t. Edward and I already talked. It was his choice to let the matter drop.”

 

“Why the hell would you do that?” Emmett demanded, staring at his brother. “Why would you let him get away with what he did?”

 

“Emmett Cullen, if you don’t sit your ass down and shut the hell up, I will kick your ass myself,” Rosalie said.

 

He looked around, his expression indignant. “Well, what the fuck?”

 

“Think about this,” Carlisle said. “What would it serve to tell anyone why I did it? You want Aro to be held accountable, but think about if that’s really possible. What do you think it would mean for your brother if I made that accusation?”

 

Jasper put his arm around Edward and curled him closer. He remembered the way Edward’s voice tremored when he was talking to Carlisle earlier. What would be the point? he asked. Accuse Aro of rape now and have it shoved in his face what a mess he was? College dropout. Employed only because his father owned a company. It would only make Carlisle look worse that he took his crazy son’s word over Aro--a clean cut, hardworking young man. And if Carlisle did make a stink about it, what then? It was the same quandary Jasper had faced. The louder they yelled, the more people would know, and there was zero chance Aro would ever face a repercussion. The only person who stood to suffer was Edward.

 

Edward was so quiet. Jasper wondered if he should take him away from this conversation.

 

Emmett’s brow furrowed and his lips pressed together. He sat calmly, thinking, for a few seconds before he grabbed up a glass from the coffee table and hurled it across the room. Everyone jumped, but Edward whimpered. It was a soft sound, and Jasper hoped he was the only one who heard it.

 

“Everyone is so calm,” Emmett said. He looked like a bull about to charge. “I’m pissed off. Why isn’t everyone pissed off?”

 

“We’re all angry,” Esme said. “Believe me.”

 

“Well all this calm discussion about giving that fucked up prick money for what he did could have fooled me.”

 

“Enough, Emmett,” Carlisle said. “You think I’m not pissed? I could have done much worse than what I did to him. As it is, I feel like a failure as a parent for so many reasons, not the least of which is the only justice I can offer my son is… this.” He gestured. “You think we don’t all know this isn’t justice? You’re twenty-six years old. Now’s a good time to figure out sometimes the world isn’t just.”

 

“At least people would know-” Emmett began, but he interrupted when Edward jumped to his feet.

 

“I’m sorry, okay.” His voice trembled. “I didn’t want… I didn’t mean… I didn’t want this. When I told you.” He looked to his father. “I didn’t mean to start this. I wanted to forget. I want to forget him. I don’t want all this.” He looked to his brother. “And I’m sorry I’m not brave enough. I’m sorry I can’t…” He shook his head. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” He stumbled, but in the next second he was darting up the stairs.

 

Jasper was right on his heels. He followed him into ‘his’ room, the room he always took when he was staying over. He shut the door behind them. As soon as he’d turned into the room, Edward had his arms around his waist, his head buried against Jasper’s chest. He was already hyperventilating.

 

“Okay. Okay. Listen to me breathe. Try to match my breaths.” He took Edward’s hand and placed it against his chest. Though he was scared for his boyfriend, he forced himself to breathe in and out deeply.

 

“This isn’t… this isn’t… this…” Edward tried to speak, but he was gasping too hard.

 

“Shhhh. It’s okay.” He stroked the space behind Edward’s ear with the pad of his thumb.

 

Edward clenched his fists in Jasper’s shirt. His breathing began to even out. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t want all this,” he whispered against Jasper’s chest. “I didn’t want them to know. I never wanted them to know. I just… I ruin everything.”

 

“Hey, don’t do that.” Jasper pulled Edward down with him on the edge of the bed. “You know what your parents and your meathead brother are doing right now? They’re kicking themselves for saying the wrong thing. Emmett is probably getting a hell of a lecture. They’re blaming themselves for making life harder on you.”

 

“That’s stupid.” Edward tilted his head against the side of Jasper’s. “It’s not their fault. This isn’t their fault.”

 

“If it’s not their fault, it’s not your fault. None of us have a script, you know?”

 

Edward exhaled in a gust. “You always know what to say.”

 

Jasper kissed his forehead once, twice, again. “I took that improv class in college, you know.”

 

Edward laughed. It was a small sound, but it was there. He was calming again.

 

“Let me fill in for your family, okay?” Jasper said. “Your dad and mom would tell you not to worry about all these legal problems. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks pretty hard, but you have to see what you dad was going for. He reacted without thinking, and now he started all this. You think he wanted you to have to see him get arrested, to have him pay off your fucking rapist? But he’s not thinking as a businessman or thinking what’s best for him. He’s thinking about what’s best for you. They all are. Even Emmett. He feels pretty helpless right now. He doesn’t know how to express that besides being pissed off about it.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

Jasper was quiet at first. So much for always knowing what to say. But in the end, he told the truth. “Because I get it. I do. You know I’m not one to believe in the existence of hell, but I get why people want to believe it exists. That someone, somewhere, will hold assholes like that bastard accountable for what they do. It’s maddening.”

 

“Maddening.” Edward sniffled and wiped at his eyes. “You know I can’t even keep myself angry?” He sighed and sagged against Jasper. “I’m just tired. I’m tired all the time. And… scared.” He raised his hands. They were shaking. “Look.”

 

Jasper took his hands and pushed them down on his lap. “It’s going to get better.” He ran a pad of his finger down Edward’s cheek. “Can I kiss you?”

 

Edward raised his head and nodded. Jasper leaned in. He tilted his head and kissed Edward’s cheek, his jaw, the side of his mouth. Edward sighed and turned his head to catch Jasper’s lips. Their kisses were soft, tentative. There was no fire or passion behind them. These were tender kisses, expressions of the genuine adoration Jasper felt for this man.

 

Minutes passed before a knock at the door parted them. Jasper moved to the side to let his family take over. He watched them reaffirm what he’d always known. They were there for Edward. Whatever it took, they were there for him, and they loved him. Unconditionally.

 

That night, Edward held Jasper’s hand as he tried to force some dinner down to keep his mother happy. They held hands as his parents, his brother, and his sister-in-law said goodnight. They held hands all the way up the stairs. Jasper was still holding his hand, running the fingers of his other hand down Edward’s cheek, when he fell asleep. Jasper stayed up, just watching Edward’s lips part as he breathed. How much he wished he could wrap him in other emotions-happiness or peace at the very least.

 

But it was already better. The enormity of everything Edward had to deal with was being shared by a lot more people now, people who loved and cared for him.

  
It was going to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey, everyone. I know a lot of this probably doesn’t sit well, but unfortunately, there are consequences that have to be dealt with. 
> 
> Many thanks to all my girls, and thanks to you for your kind words. Not so many chapters left, for those who’ve asked. Maybe five at most? How we doing?


	20. Stages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Good morning, lovelies. Happy Monday to you. Have a good rest of your week. *blows kisses*

It was better, and it was worse.

 

Edward had lived in fear and shame for a long time. Even when he didn’t acknowledge what Aro did to him, there was a filth he felt like a second skin. It manifested in different ways. One by one his friends had seen it--his ugliness--and decided he was too awkward to be around. Edward had always been terrified his parents would see he wasn’t worth their worry, their constant disappointment.They knew. They knew how low he’d sunk and how completely he’d been conquered. They still loved him. His mother had tears and regret in her eyes every time she looked at him, but also adoration and tenderness. His father must have told him a thousand times how proud he was. As much as Edward had no idea how he could be proud, he couldn’t doubt the sincerity in Carlisle’s words. It was an incredible weight off his shoulders.

 

Then Emmett. Getting his brother back was something Edward hadn’t known how badly he’d wanted until he had it. He knew he’d overreacted with Emmett more than once. He’d regretted every single time. He was the freak; he knew his brother was blameless, but he didn’t know how to explain. There wasn’t an excuse, and then there wasn’t an excuse Edward wanted his brother to know. But now that he did, Edward’s bizarre behavior was explained. All was forgiven, and Emmett, after he’d had a chance to vent his anger, was being surprisingly cool.

 

And Jasper. His boyfriend had been taking care of him for four years on his own. Edward wasn’t the only one who needed support. If anything, Jasper deserved it more than he did.

 

What was worse was the fallout.

 

Even though they all knew there was no way Aro would get in any trouble, if Edward had been brave enough to let his father fight the charges against him, things might have been better for Carlisle. As predicted, his legal problems hadn’t amounted to much, and Aro settled relatively quickly for a relatively small amount that he donated to charity--angel that he was. The real repercussions were at work.

 

Carlisle tried to keep it from Edward, but he read between the lines well enough. Without  any context, what their boss had done freaked Carlisle’s employees out. Edward hated that the people who used to respect his father thought he was, at best, a freak and, at worst, a criminal.

 

“It will blow over,” Carlisle told him. In the meantime, he’d lost his company’s partnership with Volturi Inc., and a few other partnerships were shaky.

 

Bad and good was the bizarre effect sharing a secret had. Bella and Rosalie came to him afterward and shared their own stories, their own secrets.

 

Bella said, “I’m not going to pretend to know what you went through, but I wanted you to know, I understand how it feels to be betrayed by someone who’s supposed to love you.

 

“My first boyfriend’s name was James. He was… damaged. Been abused by his father. He was charming and tortured. I excused so much of his behavior because I thought I was the one. The one who understood him. It was us against the world.

 

“And that’s what I told myself when he hit me. He was so apologetic every time. He cried. He moaned about how he was trying so hard not to be his father, and I told him he was better because he was sorry. He was better because he was fighting. Everyone made mistakes, and I shouldn’t have pushed him. I knew better.”

 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Edward said, horrified that she would take responsibility for being beaten. “There’s no excuse for that.”

 

“You’re right, and that’s kind of my point. There’s no excuse for what that prick did to you. It wasn’t your fault any more than James hitting me was mine, but I blamed myself for a long time. I thought I so stupid.

 

“Anyway. I wanted you to know it isn’t your fault, and if you ever need to talk, I’m here. No judgement.”

 

Then, Emmett and Rosalie sat down with Edward one night when Esme, Carlisle, and Jasper were otherwise occupied. Rosalie said, “It happened to me. I was in high school. I was at a party I shouldn’t have been at. I was drunk. There were three of them. I thought I wanted to die. For a long time, I thought I would never be okay again.”

 

She took Emmett’s hand and smiled at him. “But here I am. My life is beautiful. I’m fine, and you will be, too.”

 

It was horrible that it seemed like he only had to close his eyes and point to find someone who had been hurt. But as awful as that idea was, as terrible to realize how many people he loved had been wronged, Edward also felt much less alone.

**~0~**

Edward didn’t go back to work.

 

Truly accepting what had happened to him fucked with his head in a major way. Each of his occasional neurosis had gone into overdrive. Mood swings. Nightmares. Anxiety.

 

“You said it would get better.” Edward knew he sounded petulant, but he’d awaken in terror for the fourth night in a row. His nightmares didn’t even make sense. In his dreams, Jasper gave up on him and he fell into a churning sea. He thrashed and struggled and screamed, but Jasper never turned back. And then there was Aro’s face, smiling, his hand out in an offer. In desperation, Edward took it, and rather than pull him out of the tumult, Aro dove in the water and dragged him deeper. So deep, Edward couldn’t tell which way was up and his lungs burned.

 

“It is getting better,” Jasper said. He rubbed Edward’s back and bumped his forehead. “You used to get this dead look. Vacant. Like you were checked out. You don’t do that anymore. You’re here.”

 

“Lucky me.”

 

Jasper rocked him. “This part sucks, Edward, but you’re dealing.”

 

“How is this dealing?” Bitterness crept into Edward’s tone, but he leaned into Jasper’s embrace. He took a deep breath, calming further. “I’m not even working. That’s not dealing very well.”

 

“That’s circumstance. It’s not that you can’t work, or you wouldn’t be able to help your mom like you’ve been doing. It’s not a good idea for you to go back to work for your dad, that’s all. That’s not your fault. It’s that fuck face’s and, if you really want to go there, your dad’s fault for punching him in the first place. Not that I blame him, of course. I wish I would have lost my temper with him years ago.”

 

Edward rubbed his eyes. He didn’t want to think about the reasons he and his parents all decided it wasn’t a good idea for him to go back to work. “Do you know how long I sleep? I sleep like twelve hours a day. Probably more.”

 

Jasper readjusted so they were cheek to cheek. Edward closed his eyes. Jasper knew how much he liked that. The scratch of Jasper’s stubble against his own made him happy. It was a muted emotion, but he took a few moments to simply enjoy it anyway.

 

“Edward… Maybe it’s time to consider talking to someone.”

 

“God, please don’t start with that. There’s nothing wrong with me. If I could stop being pathetic for five seconds and act like a normal person-”

 

“No, listen to me, okay? Just hear me out. A lot of the depression, the lack of energy, all that… it’s brain chemistry. Trauma sets off your brain chemistry sometimes, and that can be fixed, you know? It’s not going to solve everything, but it will help. And then if you talk to someone, I’m pretty sure at the very least, they can help you learn a few coping skills.”

 

Edward scooted to the side a few spaces on the bed. He shrugged Jasper’s arm off and crossed his arms over his chest.

 

“Hey,” Jasper said. “Don’t-”

 

“No, I get it.” Edward swallowed down the lump in his throat. His eyes stung, and he was equal parts irritated and overwhelmed. He didn’t want to cry again. He’d cried enough for several lifetimes, and he never got used to it. “I don’t understand.” He loosened his grip on his arms and instead wrung his hands in his lap. “I know… I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that. I know all that crap about your psyche…” He had to take several deep breaths before he could continue. “I took trust for granted. I’m a man. I know how to fight. I know how to protect myself. I don’t feel scared crossing a dark parking lot. I’m not afraid of any of the things I always knew girls had to be afraid of. I never thought…” He closed his eyes. “I never thought rape could apply to me. I never thought someone could make me that helpless. And where I would never have thought any woman who went through that was pathetic, I thought I was different.

 

“But I was helpless. I was fucking powerless. I trusted him and he took… he took everything.” His breath shuddered, and Edward closed his eyes against the tears that threatened. “See, I get all that. Why can’t I just…” He waved his hand in the air, frustrated when his tongue tangled, and he couldn’t string two coherent words together.

 

Jasper closed the space between them again, but Edward pulled away. He stood up. “I’m so… I’m so fucking sick of carrying this around. If it’s not my fault, why doesn’t he get any of this?” Edward knew his voice was raising. He was yelling at the one person who deserved it least. “He gets all the sympathy… his psycho ex-boyfriend’s dad went berserk on him, and he gets to look like the saint of the year. He doesn’t know. He has no fucking idea what he is. What he did.”

 

Before he could process what he was doing, Edward had put his fist through the wall. He did it again before Jasper got to him. But Edward was incensed. He struggled in Jasper’s grip. “Get the fuck off me.” He jerked to the side and upended the nightstand with a snarl. “Fuck this. Fuck it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!”

 

He reared back to punch the wall again, but Jasper looped his arms around Edward’s waist, pulling him backward. Edward struggled and yelled at him to let go, to get the hell away from him, but Jasper held fast. They both fell backward onto their asses.

 

Just as quickly as the anger came over him, it left in a rush of breath. His tense muscles loosened and he leaned into his boyfriend’s embrace, his back against Jasper’s chest. He was breathing hard, the sound a high pitched wheeze. “I don’t want it anymore,” he said in a broken whisper. “I don’t. I don’t want it.”

 

Jasper readjusted his grip. He pressed one hand over Edward’s heart and tilted his head so his lips were near his ear. “I know. I know. I’m sorry. I would take it for you if I could. I would.”

 

Edward slumped. For a long time, he just breathed in and out, trying to let the warmth radiating off Jasper’s chest touch him. He shivered, chilled to his core. It felt like he would never be warm again. He had absolutely no energy. If Jasper wasn’t holding him up, he’d have fallen forward onto his face.

 

Eventually, Edward forced himself to move. He raised his arm to put his hand over Jasper’s against his chest. He hissed when he realized his hand was throbbing. “Christ.”

 

“Let me see.” Jasper caught his wrist and brought his hand up.

 

“Shit,” Edward said between clenched teeth. “That hurts.”

 

“Well, yeah. You’re all scraped up. Can you bend them?”

 

Edward grimaced, but he flexed his fingers. He cursed under his breath because it hurt like hell.

 

“Does it feel the same as when you broke your hand?”

 

Edward flexed again. “No. Sucks to move, but… Not broken.”

 

“Okay.” Jasper got to his knees and braced his hand on Edward’s arm. “Come on. Get up. I’ll help you clean it.”

 

Edward let Jasper take his hand and lead him to the bathroom. He rolled his eyes, but he hopped up on the counter and leaned his head back against the glass while Jasper picked bits of plaster out of the wounds on Edward’s knuckles.

 

“See?” Edward sounded tired to his own ears. “I’m not getting better. I’m doing the same bullshit I was months ago.”

 

“This is different.”

 

“Oh, I’m going to love hearing your logic on this one.”

 

“You saying I’m full of shit, Cullen?”

 

“A little. Yeah.”

 

“Well, too bad. I’m your boyfriend. You have to listen to me anyway. That’s part of your job.”

 

“Because we’ve proven I’m awesome at jobs.”

 

Jasper sighed, but after a moment, he pressed ahead. “Your bouts of anger before? They almost always happened when you were coming off a panic attack.”

 

Edward frowned. Panic attack. He hadn’t thought of them as panic attacks. To him, they’d just been him being a freak.

 

“This is different because it’s connected to… what happened. It’s not a reaction to a panic attack. It’s a stage,” Jasper said as he turned Edward’s hand back and forth, looking for debris he’d missed.

 

“A stage of what?”

 

“I don’t know. Grief, I guess.”

 

“Grief of what? No one died.”

 

“I don’t think it’s black and white like that. Think about it. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression… That’s all stuff you have to go through to get to acceptance.”

 

Irritation crawled up Edward’s spine, so much that he hardly noticed the sting as Jasper ran a peroxide-laden cotton ball over his cuts. “Acceptance of what? I accepted it. He raped me, and I couldn’t stop it.” He curled his good hand into a fist, and only a fresh wave of pain from his protesting right hand stopped him from punching his left hand into the mirror.

 

Jasper drew his knuckles down Edward’s cheek. “Not for nothing, Edward, but this whole speech would probably make a lot more sense coming from a psychologist. They know how to talk about this. They know how to make it make sense.”

 

“Can we not? I’m too tired for this shit right now.”

 

“Okay, fine.” Jasper wrapped gauze around Edward’s hand. “Just think about it. And for fuck’s sake. I bought the punching bag for a reason. Try and use that instead of the wall next time?”

 

Edward sighed. “Fine.”

 

“With gloves.”

 

“You’re so demanding. But yeah. Yeah, I will.”

 

“Well, as long as you’re in a giving mood…”

 

When Jasper didn’t continue, Edward quirked his eyebrow. “What?”

 

Finishing his task, Jasper stepped back. Edward tilted his head, noticing the tight expression on his boyfriend’s face. He slid off the counter and curled his finger in the string of Jasper’s pajama pants. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I just…” He shook his head and smiled. “I told my parents I was gay a few days ago.”

 

Edward blinked, trying to catch up. A year or so back, Jasper’s parents had moved to Texas. They were the kind of people who’d had a kid because it was part of the perfect picture. They’d stopped working exactly long enough to procreate and had gone back into it full force. Jasper was closer to Carlisle and Esme than he ever had been to Maria and Liam Whitlock.

 

“Dammit,” Edward said under his breath.

 

“What?”

 

“I fucking suck at taking care of you. How did I not know you hadn’t told them?”

 

“Edward, it’s really not that big a deal.”

 

Edward shook his head, disgusted with himself. “Whatever. Nevermind. I’m here now.” He took the string of Jasper’s pajama bottom and pulled him closer. “How did it go?”

 

Jasper laughed and rolled his eyes. He tilted his forehead against Edward’s. “Would you believe they think it’s a phase?”

 

“Are you fucking serious?”

 

“It’s not like that. They have no problem with the idea their son could be gay. They just think it’s a late-bloomer, availability thing. I didn’t do the experiment-in-college phase.” He winced. “My dad said he did it. I didn’t need to know that, okay?”

 

Edward screwed up his nose. “Ah, yeah. Thanks for that mental image.”

 

“Right?” Jasper chuckled. “Anyway. They think they know me better than they actually do, that’s all.”

 

“Okay. But what does that have to do with my giving mood?”

 

Jasper pulled back ever so slightly. Edward stared. Was that a blush on his cheeks? He looked bashful.

 

“Baby.” Edward curled his hand around to Jasper’s back and pressed him close. “What is it?”

 

“Well, they want me to visit in a few months. A few days in the spring. I want you to come with me. Not just to show them we’re serious, but because I want you with me.”

 

It was such a normal thing to ask. It was what boyfriends did. Vacations together. Normal things. He lifted his freshly bandaged hand. “You want to take this crazy home to mother?”

 

Jasper leaned forward, pressing a quick, sweet kiss to Edward’s lips. “I want to take you everywhere.”

 

Edward pulled him closer for another kiss. “Of course I’ll go with you.”

 

The way Jasper’s face lit up, someone would have thought Edward had agreed to something truly spectacular. As they hugged and shared a few more sweet kisses, Edward again marveled at how Jasper could love him the way he did. It wasn’t fair that Edward took so much and gave so very little.

 

“Is this okay?” Jasper asked a few minutes later when they were getting back into bed. He had pressed his chest against Edward’s back and slung his arm around his waist.

 

“I think so.”

 

Jasper kissed his neck.

  
A few minutes later, when his boyfriend’s breaths evened out, Edward was still awake. He wanted to be the man Jasper deserved. Maybe… Maybe he could start by trying whatever it took to get better. Maybe he would do what Jasper suggested and talk to someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I believe we have two full chapters left and an epilogue. Things could change.
> 
>  
> 
> Many thanks to barburella, jessypt, and jfka06, my impatient jelly bean.
> 
> What do you think, everyone?


	21. Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Let’s hold hands, friends. Just in case this is not clear, this chapter is several months after the last chapter.

“Are you su-”

 

“Jasper. We’re at the airport. My parents already drove away. I think it’s safe to say, for the final time, we’re doing this. Look.” He held his hand out. “I’m not even shaking.”

 

“You aren’t. You’re more zen than I am right now.”

 

“Don’t be too proud of me. Maggie prescribed me a pretty high dose of Valium.”

 

“Ah, yeah. I can see you’re a little stoned.”

 

“I am a lot stoned.” Edward sighed. “I had a panic attack at my session last week. I just got it into my head that they were going to search me.” He shuddered.

 

“That would explain why you checked everything in our bag to make sure nothing looked suspicious.”

 

Edward sighed again and squirmed beside Jasper. “I have a million and one annoying habits.”

 

“And I don’t?”

 

“No. You don’t. You’re annoyingly perfect.”

 

“Uh huh. Is that why I had to sleep in my own room last week?”

 

“Well. You did the thing. The thing I specifically asked you not to do.”

 

“It’s a bad habit, isn’t it?”

 

“Can you not try to talk logic to me when I’m high as a kite? I feel like it leaves me at a disadvantage.”

 

“Sorry, sugar. It’s another annoying habit of mine.”

 

“Ugh. I hate you.”

 

Jasper grinned and took Edward’s arm, spinning him back. He gave him a sweet, chaste kiss. “Too bad. Like you said. Your parents are already gone. We’re doing this.”

 

“Meet the parents.” Edward grimaced.

 

“You’ve known my parents since we were kids.”

 

“Yeah, but this is different. They’re going to be judging me as like… husband material. I don’t think I score very high on that test.”

 

Jasper shook his head and took Edward’s hand. “Come on. When we get on the plane, you’re going to fall asleep and probably drool on my shoulder, and then everything is going to be okay.”

 

Edward opened his mouth to argue, but then he just smiled. “Yeah, I don’t believe you, but I really don’t care right now.”

 

“High five for Valium.”

**~0~**

“He seems… different.”

 

Jasper looked to his mother and checked his temper before he answered. “What do you mean?”

 

“He doesn’t have that awful jacket on anymore, so that’s good.”

 

“But?”

 

Maria screwed her lips up. “I just always thought he had more ambition than where he’s at.”

 

Jasper counted to ten in his head. Then thirty. Maria didn’t understand people who didn’t start planning out their careers when they were juniors in college. At the latest. She was just being who she always was. She would not understand if Jasper told her how proud he was that Edward had been working steadily for two months. She would say it was a go-nowhere job, and she’d be right. But it was a job he’d gotten on his own, a job he liked well enough.

 

“Edward has plenty of ambition, Mom. He’s been talking about going back to school in the fall.”

 

“For his Master’s?”

 

Jasper fought a grimace. His parents had never known that Edward dropped out of school. He debated a moment, but then got annoyed at himself. There was nothing wrong with not powering straight through college. “He’s going back. For his Bachelor’s.”

 

Maria gave him a tight smile. “Oh,” she said in that way that screamed judgement. “So. How are you two doing? I mean, relationship wise.”

 

“I’m thinking about proposing to him.” Jasper flashed his mother a serene and innocent smile. She didn’t need to know how many hurdles they had to jump over before Jasper could make that sweet daydream a reality.

 

His mother choked on her sweet tea, and Jasper helpfully thumped her on her back. “Jasper,” she said in her ill-used mom voice. “That’s not the kind of thing you can rush into.”

 

“I’m not rushing into it. I’ve been in love with him since we were teenagers.”

 

“That’s even worse. You haven’t given yourself time to experience every… opportunity out there.” She brushed his cheek with her fingertips. “Is this what happened? You always get caught up in emotions as if they’re absolute. Is this why you’ve been such a late bloomer in love? You think you’ve been in love with him all this time?”

 

“I know I’ve been in love with him all this time.”

 

“Well… First loves, they never last. Don’t rush into something like marriage, Jasper. Not with a person like…” Maria pressed her lips together, cutting herself off.

 

“Say what you want to say,” Jasper said through gritted teeth. “A person like him? Is that what you were going to say? What does that mean, Mom?”

 

“He’s so twitchy now. Just… odd. And he was so arrogant when he was a boy.” Maria’s lips turned down with distaste. “The way he started stuttering at dinner… what was that about?”

 

Jasper bristled. Liam had come to stand behind Edward’s chair at dinner. Edward had gripped Jasper’s hand so tightly under the table, he’d almost cried. Edward was doing so much better, so much, but he was still healing. It frustrated Jasper to no end when people judged him on his quirks and eccentricities. Yes, he was damaged, and sometimes it was obvious; sometimes it made him seem weird. But he was fighting so hard.

 

Carlisle had said it right. Jasper was in awe of his boyfriend.

 

He blew out a breath and raised his head to meet his mother’s gaze. “You don’t know him. You know nothing about him, but I love him. He’s my choice, Mom. He’s a good choice.”

 

“Hey.”

 

Jasper looked up to find Edward peering at them from the hallway. Since they’d been speaking in muted tones, Jasper wasn’t sure how much Edward had heard.  The tension between Jasper and his mother was obvious. It was just as likely Edward was reacting to that and not anything that had been said.

 

“Come on, sugar,” Jasper said, standing and taking Edward by the hand. “I think we should do a little touristing today.”

 

Edward’s eyes darted between Maria and Jasper. “Oh. Okay. Sure.”

**~0~**

Texas wasn’t Washington. It was just one of those states synonymous with hate crimes and intolerance. Jasper didn’t want to believe he and Edward would be harassed or worse if they held hands, but he didn’t want to push his luck either.

 

Jasper was always hyper-aware of Edward’s mood when they were out. In Seattle, he was always self-conscious with an edge of paranoia. Jasper often wondered what it must be like in his head, knowing with utter certainty the most vile of monsters could wear the facade of a lover, a trusted friend. If his boyfriend could hurt him that way, what could a total stranger do?

 

They didn’t live in a bubble. Jasper knew full well what the sight of two men together made some people want to do. A giggle drew his attention. Jasper turned his head to look at a couple walking down the street nearby. They stole kisses in between playful shoves, looking happy and carefree. Jasper turned away from them and stopped by the edge of the water, looking out.

 

Edward came to stand beside him and bumped his side. “What are you thinking about?”

 

Jasper knew better than to tell the truth. Sometimes he got so tired of fighting, of thinking so hard about his every move. Edward would blame himself, and that wasn’t the point. It seemed to Jasper sometimes there was so much wrong with the world, from assholes like Aro to people like his mother who judged quickly without knowing. He wanted to fix it all, and he could fix none of it. “I was just thinking about something my mom said,” Jasper finally answered. It was a half truth in any event.

 

“Yeah, I hate to say I told you so, but this…” He pointed both thumbs at himself. “Not so much husband material.”

 

Jasper checked over his shoulder to see if anyone could have heard Edward, but they were alone. “It’s not that. And fuck that anyway. The only person who should have a say in who my husband is or should be is me.” He bumped Edward’s shoulder back. “It wasn’t that. I just… I like the idea of seeing things with you, doing things with you. Everything. And I’d like to… I don’t know, hold your hand?”

 

Edward studied him for a long moment. Then, to Jasper’s everlasting surprise, he reached out and grabbed his hand pulling him forward for a kiss. It was a chaste kiss, but a kiss nonetheless. Edward pulled back looking distinctly pleased with himself. “I don’t like crowds, but this…” He glanced around him. People were scattered in sparse groupings. “I’m not scared of this.”

 

Jasper couldn’t help his delighted laugh. He had to hold himself back from pulling Edward into his arms for a much more thorough kiss. He might have, except he didn’t know that he could have stopped at that. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

 

“You have a very low standard.”

 

Jasper rolled his eyes and kissed the tip of Edward’s nose. “Let’s get back.”

**~0~**

Jasper’s parents might have disapproved of Edward as a long-term partner, but they were far from old-fashioned. There had never been a question as to whether or not Edward and Jasper would share a room.

 

There was an illicit thrill Jasper had missed out on in his teen years.

 

“Shhh,” Edward hissed when Jasper groaned. “Your parents are going to hear us.”

 

“And then what?” Jasper murmured back between kisses. “They’ll think their grown ass son is getting him some.”

 

It took his lust-fevered brain a few too many seconds to figure out Edward had grown quiet. Too quiet. He pulled back to find Edward’s eyes unfocused, his lips turned down in a pensive frown. “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like-”

 

“I want you to mean it.” Edward’s eyes flicked up to his. “I want all that. Everything with you.  You know that, don’t you?”

 

Jasper did. Of course he did. In the months since the whole blowout with Aro, Edward had made great strides. Counseling was helping him deal with his depression and anxiety. He was learning to cope and slowly, so slowly, to absolve himself of the unnecessary guilt he’d carried for so long.

 

Physically, Edward’s libido had suffered, especially in the beginning. It was understandable. His old wounds were made fresh again by his admission to family and friends. Then therapy. Oh, therapy. It reminded Jasper of one of those old western flicks where a man was shot and the doctor had to go fishing around for tiny pieces of bullet while the wounded bit down on his belt. Blood everywhere and terrible pain, but if they could find all the tiny shards, the guy had a chance at living. Between all that and the dance that was trying to find the right balance of meds, fooling around had been the last thing on Edward’s mind.

 

Things were better, but Jasper noticed how often Edward apologized or asked if Jasper realized how much he loved him, how much he wanted to be better, how much he wished he could be normal. He asked, Jasper thought, because he needed the reassurance. He needed to hear Jasper still loved him, that he wasn’t getting impatient, and he wouldn’t leave.

 

Jasper took his hands and brought them up to his lips. He kissed each of Edward’s fingertips. “We’ll get there.”

 

His words and the gentle kisses he peppered about Edward’s face did nothing to erase his boyfriend’s consternation. “Hey,” he said and pressed pecks along Edward’s upper lip. “I can almost feel the wheels turning in that brain of yours. Don’t overthink this.”

 

“I’m not overthinking. Well… I’m not overthinking what you think I’m overthinking.”

 

Jasper rubbed Edward’s back, pressing along the blades of his shoulders with the pads of his fingers. “Talk to me.”

 

Edward’s glance was furtive. “Do you… I mean, you and Peter. Who… Were you.” He closed his eyes and cursed through gritted teeth. “Why is this so hard to say?” He opened his eyes and pointed at Jasper. “Don’t answer that.”

 

“Okay. But what do you want to know about me and Peter?”

 

“Who… Did you top?”

 

“Oh.” Jasper felt his cheeks grow hot. The idea of talking to a current boyfriend about an ex could never be comfortable. Add to that the inherent embarrassment--idiotic though it was to be embarrassed about it--that came with being so inexperienced at his age, and Jasper stumbled over his answer. “We, um… We didn’t get that far.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. Peter was really good to me. The whole idea of sex with a guy--sex in general, I guess--was so new to me then. We were taking it slow.”

 

“That’s good. That’s good he didn’t push you.”

 

The wistful quality to Edward’s voice broke Jasper’s heart. Rather than let either of them dwell, he spoke again. “I’d do either. I’d do both. Is that what you wanted to know?”

 

Edward nodded. He ran his fingers through Jasper’s hair as he looked on him, his expression nervous but tender. “You’re a virgin.”

 

“Technically. Yeah.”

 

Edward’s fingers drifted to the curve of Jasper’s cheek. He licked his lips and swallowed hard. “Do you think we could try…. Would you want to… Would you let me…”

 

Jasper reached out to cup the back of Edward’s neck. His breath was shaky. He couldn’t pretend not to be nervous, but he understood what Edward was trying to ask. “Yeah, baby. I trust you.”

 

Edward brightened, and while Jasper could see his nervousness, there was also excitement there.  He ducked his head, and Jasper tasted desire in his kiss. “Now?” Edward asked. The word was breathless.

 

Jasper’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline, and a thrill went down his spine. As if the idea of sex with Edward wasn’t good enough, the illicitness of their location was strangely appealing. Even though he had not grown up in this house, he could imagine they were innocent boys who still thought the worst thing that could happen was their parents walking in on them. Jasper swallowed down the knot of nerves and went so he could answer. “We don’t have lube.”

 

“Um.” Edward flushed. “I, uh … “ He blew out a breath. He got to his knees, throwing the blankets off them. “I think I have a solution.”

 

There was something coy to his tone. Jasper watched, curious and turned on, as Edward drew a hand down his chest. He groaned, because the light touch alone felt amazing. His arousal was already obvious. His breath caught when Edward cupped him where he was hottest. He bucked his hips up against Edward’s palm, watching with rapt interest. Edward hooked his fingers into the waistband of Jasper’s thin pajama pants and dragged them down.

 

Edward straightened. His face was flaming red, but there was eagerness and hunger in his eyes. Jasper gave a breathy laugh at Edward’s feather-light touch as he cupped his hands around the back of his knees. He pushed Jasper’s legs back.

 

Supporting the weight of Jasper’s legs, Edward eased himself down on his belly. “Hold these,” he said, and Jasper was helpless but to obey. He was curious and eager about Edward’s plan. He pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth to keep from begging. He couldn’t decide where he wanted Edward most.

 

With his hands free, Edward began working him with his mouth, tracing patterns along Jasper’s inner thigh with his fingertips. “Baby, that’s so good. So good.”

 

It got better. Edward worked his way down, kissing and licking and dragging his teeth delicately along sensitive flesh. He took his time, paying attention to the head of Jasper’s cock, his shaft, down to his balls.

 

As he worked, he guided Jasper’s legs up and back.

 

“Holy hell!” Jasper’s body jerked when Edward swept his tongue to his asshole.

 

Edward pulled back. “Is this okay?”

 

“Uh.” The idea of what Edward was about to do made Jasper crazy with desire. “I, uh… sugar, if you want to…”

 

That was all Edward needed to hear. He spread Jasper wide and began to run his tongue along the crack. Jasper’s body grew a mind of its own. He jerked and shivered. His voice came out in tiny yelps and long, low moans. Jasper had never known pleasure like this. It was filthy and beautiful and oh good fuck spectacular. He might’ve said something foolish or romantic. More likely, he’d only managed something along the lines of, “I, wabba, dub, ungh, you.” Roughly translated, it meant, “I love you, like whoa.”

 

Edward was thorough. He licked in languid strokes. He teased Jasper’s asshole before he began to penetrate him with his tongue. Jasper’s arms were shaking from the effort of holding his legs up.

 

“Oh, fuck. Baby. Need you. Now. Please, Edward, please.”

 

“You want me?” Edward asked.

 

“Yes. Please. Now.”

 

They fumbled together finding a position that would work. They were both clumsy and awkward as two mostly-virgins would be.

 

“Tell me to stop. You’ll tell me to stop if it’s bad,” Edward said.

 

“I trust you.”

 

“Tell me.”

 

“I will.”

 

Jasper’s knees were braced against Edward’s chest as his boyfriend pushed inside him for the first time. There was a tendril of fear in Jasper, but it was such a tiny part of the overwhelming emotion he felt. It ached, and later, when they were better at it, they would laugh at how much better it could have been. In the moment, Jasper thought nothing could be more perfect.

 

It did hurt, but the stretch and burn was only what Jasper expected. It wasn’t bad and made more than worthwhile by the fact after all these years, after everything, it was Edward with him. Edward was in the moment. His eyes were clear and shining with love, awe, and pleasure. He wasn’t scared. He hovered over Jasper, his breath ragged for the best reasons for once.

 

When the ache dulled, Jasper brushed his fingers through Edward’s hair. “You’re good, babe. So good.”

 

Edward exhaled on a gust and thrust forward. “It’s good?”

 

“So good.”

 

“You’re tight.” Edward moaned. “This is…”

 

“Yeah,” Jasper agreed. He gyrated his hips, and that was the end of their conversation. They groaned and whimpered and hushed each other when they got too loud.

 

It wasn’t so long before Jasper recognized the signs of Edward’s approaching orgasm. He held his breath, a flicker of fear sparking. Jasper knew how hard it was for him to give up the control it took to come. “Come on, babe.” Jasper reached between them to feel where Edward was sliding in and out of him. “Let go. You’re so beautiful, Edward. I want to see you come inside me.”

 

Edward squeezed his eyes shut and with a few more jerks of his hips, he let go. Watching his handsome boyfriend come inside him, Jasper stroked himself to his own release.

 

As they lay quiet in each other’s arms, panting against sweat-slicked skin, Jasper wasn’t sure which of them was shaking. Both, probably. He’d always expected earth shattering orgasms would come from an insane level of pleasure, but he knew better now. The earth had moved, the world was different, and it wasn’t because the sex had been good. It was sex with Edward. Their moment. Their connection. And while their previous play had been, in many ways, tainted by Aro’s presence, the monster was nowhere to be seen then. It was just the two of them in that bed, and that, them… they were a beautiful thing.

 

Jasper kissed Edward’s forehead tenderly. He wished with everything in him this could have been the only thing either of them knew of sex: gentleness, patience, love. It seemed so unfair that all Jasper’s firsts had been wonderful. That he couldn’t give Edward the same sometimes drove him crazy.

 

Edward raised his head and found Jasper’s lips. His kiss was anything but bitter. He brushed his lips in a train to Jasper’s ear and whispered, “I love you,” in a husky, steady tone.

  
Then, Jasper realized he could and had given Edward firsts. Lovemaking and sex were two different acts with the same mechanics, and both legions away from rape. He expelled a breath and with it, his heavier thoughts. This night was only theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburella, songster, and jfka06. One more chapter and an epi. Zomg! I can’t believe this story is almost over.


	22. Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Helllllooooo. So. The boys surprised me. I think, including epilogue, this will actually end up being 25 chapters total. Let’s get to it.

Edward was getting ready for work when Jasper surprised him by slipping his arms around his waist. Edward jumped but relaxed quickly. He closed his eyes and gave in to the sensation of Jasper’s fingers running up and down his arms.

 

“You’re not wearing long sleeves,” Jasper said. With his lips against Edward’s neck, his words vibrated against his skin.

 

“I’m not?” It was a silly question. He opened his eyes and looked in the mirror, running his hands over Jasper’s against his skin. “I mean… I knew that, but why does it matter?”

 

Jasper kissed his neck up to his ear. “When was the last time you wore short sleeves? Outside the house?”

 

Edward tilted his head. “I was out of clean clothes,” he said, but inwardly surprise and realization dawned on him. His clothes were his armor. He’d started shrugging out of his hoodie several months before, but he still wore long sleeve shirts and sweaters. How had he slipped into this without even realizing it?

 

The more time went on, the more Edward realized healing wasn’t about sudden, emotional breakthroughs. There wasn’t a snap of the fingers moment that would mark him cured. But every once in a while, he stumbled onto a tangible sign. He was getting better.

 

Edward brushed his fingers over his arms, trying to decide if he felt too self-conscious now that Jasper had pointed out what he was wearing. He didn’t feel confident about it, but he had no qualms about going to work.

 

Jasper raised his head and grinned at him in the mirror. “You better go,” he said, but he tightened his arms around Edward’s waist instead of letting him go. “You’re going to be late.”

 

“I don’t think I care.” Edward turned in Jasper’s arms and wrapped his arms around his neck. He bumped their foreheads together and kissed his boyfriend sweetly. “I’m going to take you out tonight.”

 

If it were possible, Jasper’s eyes flashed brighter. “That’d be great.”

**~0~**

It had been around ten months since Carlisle punched Aro, since Edward’s long-held secrets had come to light. In that time, the closest Edward had gotten to going back to Cullen Inc’s building in downtown Seattle was the few times he’d waited in the car with his mother for Carlisle to come down for lunch.

 

Edward took a deep, steadying breath as he stared up at the building. His first instinct was to admonish himself. It was ridiculous to feel so intimidated and scared. And he was terrified. Despite the progress he’d made over the last ten months, he was in his old hoodie again. Jasper had gotten him a new one for his birthday, one that fit him right and was, Edward had to admit, rather snazzy. He loved that hoodie, but this one… he needed this one today, as much as the idea shamed him.

 

No.

 

Maggie had taught him overwriting his habit of self-flagellation was going to be hard work. Rather than let himself feel stupid or pathetic about his fear or nervousness, he forced himself to think it all through.

 

He had every reason to be intimidated and scared to step foot in his father’s office again. Most everybody there knew. The office rumor mill could always be depended upon. They knew Carlisle had punched Aro because of Edward’s claim. They knew Aro’s side of the story. They knew their boss hadn’t fought the charges against him and had settled the civil case out of court. They knew Bella believed Edward because they were obvious friends, but he was erratic at best. Who knew what everyone thought of him.

 

It wasn’t irrational to be nervous when he knew for a fact they would be looking at him, judging him. Edward pulled his hoodie tighter. He closed his eyes as he tried to breathe through the itch that made him want to turn and run. Already he could feel the filth creeping up his skin.

 

They would stare. They would see how ugly he was. They would think he was the monster. He was weak and pathetic and-

 

Edward opened his eyes and set his jaw. One step, he bargained with himself. Take the first step.

 

He pressed his hands flat against his car and pushed off. One step, then the next, then the next.

 

“Hey, Edward,” the receptionist greeted him with a smile in her voice. Didn’t mean anything. Carmen was the best of the best. She wouldn’t have batted an eyelash if the pope walked in the door. “Here to see your dad?”

 

Edward cleared his throat and tried to find his voice. He tried to will himself to raise his head, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t look her in the eyes. “Bella, actually,” he said, and he was reasonably pleased his voice didn’t crack, thin as it was.

 

“Go on up, hon.”

 

He nodded and made for the elevator. When he was safely inside, Edward leaned up against the wall and tilted his head back. He gritted his teeth, hating how little it took for him to backslide.

 

Not backsliding. He had triggers. He suffered from depression and anxiety. Those things weren’t his fault. They weren’t something he could turn off and will away. He couldn’t fix it anymore than a paraplegic could get up and walk again. He was luckier in a way because he could get better. He was getting better. Like physical therapy for his fucked up psyche. The fact that he was walking into his father’s office was brave. It might have seemed simple, but it wasn’t--not for him.

 

Edward steeled himself as the elevator dinged and opened.

 

As he’d expected, everyone stared. Edward kept his head down and tried not to feel their eyes on him, tried not to hear the way conversation hushed as he walked past.

 

He saw a pair of shoes in front of him and stumbled a step or two backward to avoid collision.

 

“Whoa. Edward.”

 

Edward recoiled backward as Mike reached out to touch his shoulder. Mike held his hands up. “Hey. Sorry, man.”

 

“It’s, uh…” Edward gave his head a hard shake, trying to clear the panic that threatened to take hold of his thoughts. He clenched his fists at his sides and dug his fingernails into the fleshy part of his palm. “It’s fine.”

 

“No. I, uh… I…” He laughed. The sound was uncomfortable at best. “Who the hell knows what to say, right?”

 

Edward didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to hear what Mike thought. He didn’t want anyone to put words to what he feared they were all thinking about.  

“Look, I’m glad you’re here,” Mike said finally. “I wanted to tell you. If I ever did anything to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. It’s a hell of a thing to deal with.”

 

Shocked, Edward raised his head to see Mike’s eyes were nothing but earnest. There was no judgment in them and no pity. His throat was too tight to speak, so he jerked his head in a sharp nod. His feet wouldn’t stay still any longer, so he stumbled away, wishing he could stop and thank Mike. That couldn’t have been comfortable, and most people would have left it unsaid. As it was, he was at the end of his rope, and he needed the refuge of Bella’s office.

 

Her door was open, and she was at her desk working. Edward was relieved. In hindsight, his plan to surprise her for her birthday hadn’t been well thought out. Rather than being able to come in with a cheery "happy birthday” he ducked inside her office, closed the door, and leaned up against it as he waited for the beat of his heart to slow.

 

“Edward?” Bella was up and over to him in a heartbeat. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

 

“Nothing.” He hated the way his voice shook. “Nothing’s wrong. I need a minute.”

 

Bella fell silent at that and rubbed his back. She was good at this, dealing with him. She knew when to back off, when she could hug him, and when he needed her silence. He’d asked her once how she did it, and she said she tried to be aware of his--of anyone’s--body language and vocal cues. She was as perceptive as they came, and Edward could only be glad he’d stumbled on such a friend.

 

He was lucky. He knew how lucky he was. To have Jasper for a boyfriend--more patient and loving than anyone had a right to expect. To have his family. He knew not everyone in his position was lucky enough to have family surrounding him who believed him, who supported him. Then his friends, Bella and even Alice who knew and didn’t judge him, didn’t think he was weak or worthless.

 

Calmed enough, Edward turned and pulled Bella into his arms. He ducked his head to breathe in her clean, warm scent. “I’m sorry. I came to take you out for lunch for your birthday. I didn’t mean to break down on you.”

 

“You came up here for me?” Bella squeezed him back. “You definitely didn’t need to do it.”

 

“I wanted to.”

 

Bella pulled back and kissed his cheek. “Then it’s already a great birthday present.”

**~0~**

Maggie told Edward a story once about a surgery she’d had in the nodes of her armpit. She showed him the scar. It was jagged and looked like it had been very ugly once upon a time.

 

“It didn’t heal right,” she said. “The top layer healed over, but the underlayer didn’t heal right. The doctor had to rip up the top layer of skin over and over again until the underlayer healed right.”

 

Edward raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to compare that to all this therapy, aren’t you?”

 

“It’s the truth, isn’t it?” She offered him a smile. “You had a bad week this week, and I know how much that frustrates you. Therapy sucks that way. You get to a point where you think you can live with the scar you have, but under the surface, there are wounds that can’t be healed without ripping your surface wounds open.”

 

“Just because it makes sense doesn’t make it any easier to live through.”

 

“Remember-”

 

“One step at a time.”

**~0~**

The more time went on, the more Edward realized healing was a learning process not only for him but for everyone who loved him.

 

Of his family, Emmett struggled the hardest. He was a physical kind of guy. When they were younger, his affection for his brother had been communicated through play-fighting and back-slapping hugs. Before the truth came out, he couldn’t comprehend Edward’s anger and rejection. Edward’s attitude toward him bewildered him, and he couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t fix it with physical contact.

 

Emmett didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do. In the early days, Edward resented the idea that on top of working on his own issues, he had to make his brother comfortable too. It wasn’t until Jasper pointed out Emmett didn’t want to upset him that Edward made an effort with his brother. He only needed the tools, Jasper would tell him.  If Emmett could try, Edward could appreciate that. Just because his brother didn’t know how to handle a problem he couldn’t fix with his hands didn’t mean he didn’t want to.

 

To that end, he’d tried to initiate what physical contact he was comfortable with. As long as he kept Emmett in front of him, he could stay in the moment. Emmett was understandably wary at first, but soon enough, he got the idea.

 

Of course, like everything else, there were off days. Edward wouldn’t be in the mood or Emmett would forget himself and try to wrestle with Edward like when they were boys.

 

“Get off,” Edward yelled as he drove his elbow into his brother’s gut.

 

Emmett ended on the floor wheezing while Edward tried to catch a panic attack before it started. They were both apologizing profusely.

 

Edward sighed as he offered his brother his shaking hand to help him up onto the couch. Then he put his hands over his eyes, rubbing his temples as he tried to calm down.

 

“Hey, Edward… I know I suck at this. I know I always say the wrong thing, but you can talk to me. If you wanted. I don’t know why you would want to, but you could.”

 

Edward managed a small smile before he let his hands drop down onto his lap. He didn’t answer right away, and he didn’t look at his brother. “You don’t always say the wrong thing. I think Jasper told me that once… there’s no script for this.”

 

He wrung his hands together, wondering if Emmett meant what he said about him being able to talk. More and more these days, he found there were things he wanted, needed, to say out loud. It was easier to bear the weight on his shoulders when he shared it. That realization had been a long time coming, but he was still learning.

 

“You know the part that gets to me the most is I have all this guilt. I keep on wondering if he did it to someone else. And if he did, is that my fault? I can’t think of what I could have done to stop him. Maybe. Maybe if I had gone to the cops right after it happened, if I’d been capable of doing that…

 

“But why is it my responsibility? He… Aro doesn’t know. To this day, he doesn’t realize what he did to me. He really, truly doesn’t get it. I went to a couple support groups, and they hear it a lot. A lot of the things I told myself for a long time. I was overreacting. He was my boyfriend. He had a right to expect sex. I led him on.” Edward clenched his fists at his side and flexed to keep himself grounded.

 

“The truth is, if I had gone to the police right then, the likelihood anything would have happened to Aro is slim to none. I’m not naive. I know how it works. I know how few rape cases are ever prosecuted, let alone how few rapists will ever serve a day in jail.”

 

“That’s… That…” Emmett huffed. “I know. I know what you’re talking about. You know, Rosie’s parents blame her. That’s why she doesn’t talk to them. She shouldn’t have disobeyed them. She’d always been flirty.”

 

Edward nodded, again recognizing how lucky he was to have the family he did. “That happens so much. They don’t get to shoulder the guilt. We do.”

 

“I ever see that asshole, I swear I’ll kill him,” Emmett muttered.

 

“I…” Edward swallowed past the tightness in his throat. He understood Emmett’s anger. He was angry too. “There was never going to be enough justice for me, for this. It’s bigger than that. It’s bigger than Aro. It’s the way we look at rape and consent.”

 

Edward turned his head as his mother and sister-in-law walked in the door. He offered them a smile and nodded his head in Rosalie’s direction, his eyes at the slight bulge that had made an appearance very recently. “You want to do something for me, you teach your kid to be better than we were. Because I recognize the things I did and said. I was part of the problem, not just because I thought Aro was entitled to act as possessive and controlling as he did, but for so much more. It wasn’t enough that I never made rape jokes; I should have called out my friends who did.”

 

Emmett nodded, his features uncharacteristically serious. “There was so much, so much, I didn’t realize was wrong until I was with Rosie, and then after you came out, I don’t know. I realized the careless way we all talked, all… disrespectful of women and gay men. And it’s so easy. So easy, you don’t even realize you’re doing it."

 

Relief made it easier for Edward to breathe and sit up a little straighter. He was often uncertain about the thoughts in his head--if they made any sense or if he was just being too sensitive. His brother’s easy understanding went a long way to reassuring him. “Exactly. But all of it reinforces old, wrong stereotypes--that a man can’t control himself when he gets pushed to a certain point, that a woman deserves what she gets if she dresses a certain way or acts a certain way.” He took a deep breath. “That a man can’t be raped.”

 

Emmett didn’t say anything to that. Instead, he moved slowly, so Edward saw what he was doing before he slung his arm over his shoulders. “Hey, Edward. I love you.”

  
Edward hugged his brother back and buried a smile against his broad chest. “Yeah, Emmett. Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So many thanks to all the girls who love me and help me through these stories.
> 
> I’m gonna try to finish this by Christmas! We’ll see how it works. Mwah, duckies. I hope you’re enjoying the recovery.


	23. What Should Have Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Heeeeey everyone. How was your weekend? More importantly, why is it already over? I protest.

Jasper was bone tired when he got home. Bone tired and chilled to the bone. It was another cold Seattle evening, and he’d been working too many hours at the museum lately. They were trying to get a new exhibit up and (mostly) running before Christmas. Of course, as these things went, Christmas was just a few days away and everything was in shambles.

 

The light in front of their door was on. Jasper smiled and set aside his mental checklist of things that had to be done. It could all wait for tomorrow.

 

As soon as he stepped in the door, wonderful scents hit him. His mouth watered, and he moved toward the kitchen just as Edward emerged from it. “Honey, I’m home,” Jasper quipped as he curled his arm around Edward’s waist, bringing him in for a kiss.

 

Edward’s gasp was muffled against his lips. “You’re freezing.” Already he was working to get Jasper’s jacket off. He found his hand and pulled him into the living room. “Sit down.” Edward gave him a light push, and Jasper obediently sat on the couch, amused at the mock-stern expression on Edward’s face.

 

As Edward wrapped the afghan over his shoulders, Jasper noticed the coffee table was already laden with two steaming hot mugs of what had to be cocoa. That was where the delicious smell had to be coming from. He reached for one mug. “You didn’t have to do this, sugar.”

 

“Pffft.” Edward flashed a grin and kissed the tip of Jasper’s nose. “Stay here. Get warm. I’ll bring dinner.”

 

Jasper raised an eyebrow. “You made dinner?”

 

“I did. I don’t know if it goes well with cocoa, but deal with it.”

 

Jasper watched Edward disappear into the kitchen. For a few seconds, he had the unsettling feeling that he was forgetting something. When he placed it, his eyes widened and his lips turned up at the corners.

 

He’d completely forgotten to be worried about his boyfriend.

 

It had been years since he hadn’t been worried about Edward in some form or fashion. It had been years since he had nothing to worry about.

 

Edward came back then balancing a tray with two heaping bowls of soup and a variety of crackers. He sat beside Jasper and settled the tray on the coffee table. “Since I’m sure you didn’t eat dinner, because you never eat dinner.” He gave Jasper a stern look over the bowl.

 

Jasper set down his cocoa to cradle the bowl instead. “This smells delicious.”

 

“Mulligatawny soup.”

 

“Mullet, what?”

 

The corners of Edward’s eyes crinkled as he laughed. “Mulligatawny. It’s a curry soup. There’s apples in it.”

 

“Apples?”

 

“Hey, I slaved over this thing for hours. You’re at least tasting it.”

 

Jasper chuckled and lifted the soup to his mouth. He sipped. “Wow.” He grabbed a coffee table book from the side table to balance his bowl on. “That’s fantastic.”

 

“You like it?”

 

“Yeah. It’s really great.”

 

“Mom used to make it for us when we went out to the cabin. Remember your parents would never let you go.”

 

“They thought I would break a leg skiing.”

 

“Emmett fractured his arm that one time, but he was being an idiot.”

 

“Yeah, well. That’s Emmett for you.”

 

When Jasper was full, he set down his bowl with a satisfied thunk. “That was great, doll. Really.”

 

Edward’s smile was the picture of pleased contentedness as he leaned his head back against the couch, his eyes peaceful in the low light. “Your damn museum is freezing, and it’s even colder outside. I figured you’d need to thaw out. Are you all warmed up?”

 

The side of Jasper’s mouth curled up, and he reached forward to cup the back of Edward’s neck. “Almost. There’s just one more thing you can do for me to get me nice and hot.” He had time to catch Edward’s grin before he pulled him in for a kiss.

 

Jasper stroked the side of Edward’s cheek as he explored his mouth with his tongue, tasting again the strong flavors of the curry and the cocoa mixed with the smell of Edward’s skin. He let the hand cupped at the back of Edward’s neck fall down low as they kissed then lower still. Edward shifted, angling himself so more of his body pressed against Jasper’s.

 

The only sounds in the room were the smack of their lips, their soft sighs and whimpers, and the rustle of fingers slipping along skin and tugging at clothes. Jasper was engrossed in the noises Edward was making. He let his hands drift between them, pressing and caressing and tickling his skin where he pulled his shirt up. He rubbed the heel of his palm where Edward was hot and rapidly hardening.

 

It took Jasper minutes to realize he wasn’t being careful. He groped Edward with abandon, without stopping to gauge his comfort level. He’d gone as far as unbuttoning Edward’s jeans before he realized what he was doing. He broke their kiss with a groan and moved his hands to a more innocent place at Edward’s sides. “I’m sorry.”

 

Edward’s eyebrows furrowed. He panted and smacked his lips, looking like he was searching for words. “What are you sorry for?”

 

“I, um… I… I could have been more careful. I should have been.”

 

Edward pressed his lips together. In one fluid motion, he straddled Jasper’s lap and cupped his hands against his cheeks. “You’ve been worried about me almost every day for the last five years. I’ve noticed lately you’ve been less careful, and I love that.”

 

“You love that?”

 

“Of course I do.” He pressed his body against Jasper’s, running his fingers up into his hair. “You think I don’t want you to love me like that? All wild and reckless if you want to get poetic about it? That’s what I feel for you. Desperate, like I could never get enough, and…” He bit his lip, his eyes flashing with guilt.

 

“And what,” Jasper prompted.

 

Edward sighed. “I know it’s stupid. I know, okay? But sometimes it feels like you have no passion for me.”

 

“Edward-”

 

“I know. I just… I want you to not be able to keep your hands off me. I want you to not be able to sit here like this, calm as a fucking cucumber and talking rationally when we were hot and heavy and ready to go two minutes ago.” He frowned. “And I know what that sounds like. I know how problematic that is. It’s wrong that I should want that.”

 

“No it isn’t. It’s not wrong to want passion. And I do feel that way. Edward, you have no idea how much I want you all the time.” He stroked his thumb over Edward’s lips. “Yeah, baby. I want to throw you to the floor and have my way with you, but I need you to know I can stop. I will stop. There’s no such thing as incapable of stopping.”

 

Edward winced, but he rested his head against Jasper’s. “I know that. I really do. It… it would be different with you. I trust you. It would be different.”

 

“What would be different?”

 

Edward raised his head again. His eyes flitted up and down. It was an obvious effort for him to meet Jasper’s gaze. “I want you. I want you inside me.”

 

Jasper’s breath caught, and he knew, he knew, Edward must have felt the way his cock jumped at the very idea. “Oh, sugar. Ah…” He tried to find the right words. “You, uh… You know we don’t have to do that, right? I mean. It’s not… If you’re feeling… if you think you need-”

 

“I want.” His voice was sure. “If you don’t…”

 

“Ah. That’s a foregone conclusion. I want. I really want.”

 

They came together again then, their kisses intense with desire and excitement. Jasper stroked his hand up and down Edward’s back, and Edward’s fingers tangled in his hair. The way his boyfriend moved over him made Jasper shiver with anticipation. The cloth of his pants and boxers were too restrictive for comfort then. He wanted to lose himself in this man, wanted to let his thoughts melt into action and energy. Yet despite Edward’s assurance his fervency was welcome, Jasper knew he had to be careful with this.

 

Dropping his hands to Edward’s waist, Jasper guided him backward so they could both stand. With one final kiss, he stepped backward. He caressed Edward’s cheek and took his hand to lead him to the bedroom.

 

They took their time, kissing and touching as they undressed each other. Edward ducked his head, his expression shy and unsure as it always was when he was nude. He’d told Jasper recently he felt ugly, filthy, covered in slime when he was in his own skin. Jasper let his eyes wander down Edward’s body. He let a lascivious smile creep up his cheeks. It hadn’t been so long ago Edward had wasted away to skin and bones. He’d filled out again. Regular meals had put meat on his bones, and workouts with Emmett had given him definition.

 

He looked damn good, and Jasper told him so. Hands to Edward’s chest, Jasper gave him a gentle shove, sending him down onto his back on the bed. He wasted no time taking Edward in his mouth. He stroked his tongue along Edward’s shaft as he took him deep into his throat. These days, Edward relinquished his carefully held control when they were together like this. He let go of self consciousness and let the gasps, whines, and sighs fall. If those noises ever stopped turning Jasper on, it would be a cold day in hell. After all, it hadn’t been so long ago Edward had shied away from the loss of control orgasm brought to his body.

 

He cried for it now, begged. He tugged on Jasper’s ears and stroked his fingers where Jasper’s lips were stretched around his dick. As he tugged and caressed, he murmured please and encouragements. “Yeah, baby. Just like that. So good. Fuck, Jasper. Please. Oh, god, please.”

 

The lovely symphony of his boyfriend’s pleasure went straight to Jasper’s cock. As he worked Edward over, he thrust his hips against the covers, seeking friction. When Edward’s mumbled words reached a sharp pitch, Jasper cupped his balls and coaxed him to orgasm. He swallowed and licked him clean before he let Edward slip from his mouth.

 

Putting aside his own desperation for release, Jasper kissed his way up Edward’s body. He shared his taste with languid kisses, tracing patterns against Edward’s skin with his fingertips. When their kiss broke, Jasper put his lips to Edward’s ear. “Roll over, sugar.”

 

Edward hesitated only a second before rolling onto his belly. Jasper followed him halfway. He rolled onto his side and pressed a palm to Edward’s shoulder blade. He kissed the side of his hair. “I’m going to take care of you, babe. You know I’ll take care of you.”

 

As he spoke, he’d begun running his hand down Edward’s back in ever widening circles. He nuzzled Edward’s neck with the tip of his nose and pressed kisses to his skin. When he moved his hand to rest on Edward’s ass, his boyfriend tensed. “Relax,” Jasper said without thinking.

 

“Don’t say that,” Edward snapped through gritted teeth.

 

Jasper moved his hand back up to Edward’s back.

 

“I’m sorry,” Edward said. His eyes were closed and he took deep, calming breaths. “Just … don’t say that.”

 

“Okay.” Jasper moved his hand slowly down again. “Are you sure this is okay?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re good.”

 

Edward knew what Jasper was about to do. In the time they’d been together, they’d learned much about each other’s bodies. Jasper slicked his fingers with lube before he ran the length of Edward’s slit. Edward tensed but relaxed as Jasper entered him with one finger. “Is this okay?”

 

“It’s good.”

 

As Jasper worked first one then two fingers into him, he could feel Edward’s body relax. He signed and gasped at the stimulation. It wasn’t long at all before he was pushing himself against Jasper’s palm, writhing against his touch. He raised up to his knees and before Jasper knew it, he was the one on his back.

 

“I want you,” Edward said as he straddled his hips.

 

Jasper groaned. The sensation of Edward’s weight against his hard cock was fantastic. “You got me. Whenever, however you want.”

 

Edward slid his hips against Jasper’s. “Like this.”

 

He lifted up and Jasper guided his cock to Edward’s entrance. “I got you, baby.”

 

With one deep breath, Edward lowered himself down.

 

“Holy christ,” Jasper said, his fingers digging into Edward’s side as he fought the urge to thrust. There was nothing, nothing, better than feeling Edward tight around him.  Being with him like this, joined, it was incredible, but he waited. He wanted, needed, to be sure Edward was in the moment with him.

 

He watched Edward squeeze his eyes shut. He took a few breaths, but when he opened his eyes, they were clear. His grin was wide as he put his palms to Jasper’s chest and moved experimentally over him.

 

They found a comfortable rhythm and began to move together. Their eyes were open, locked on each other, and Jasper thought his chest would explode, too small to contain his full heart. Edward’s touch on his cheek was reverent. Jasper wondered if the awe he felt was evident on his face. He hoped so. He hoped Edward could feel how much he loved him in the way he moved, his eyes, his hands, brushing Edward’s bare chest. Jasper didn’t have words to articulate what a gift this was. That Edward trusted him with his body, his skin, his precious psyche was not something Jasper ever would or could take lightly.

 

“I want to see you,” Edward panted. He scraped his fingernails down Jasper’s chest, drawing a gasp.

 

Jasper’s vision went white as he pulsed into Edward. He was vaguely aware of Edward moving off him and curling against his side. It took a minute before he could reclaim coherent thought.

 

“That was …” Jasper swallowed and tried again. It occurred to him he could still feel Edward hard and hot against him. “Do you want me to - “

 

“No.” Edward batted his hands away. “Too much.”

  
Jasper thought he understood. Allowing Jasper into his body couldn’t have been easy - not the first time. Add the loss of control another orgasm would bring and he could see why Edward would be past his limit. He cupped Edward’s cheek and kissed him, holding him in his arms until a contented sleep took them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay. This is for sure the penultimate chapter. One more chappy and then the epilogue.
> 
> How goes, everyone? What are your hopes for our boys?


	24. And What Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And so we come to the end of our tale. I’m taking a break from last-minute gift-wrapping to post this. Onward.

When they got out of the car, Jasper held his arm out for Edward. It was Friday night in downtown Seattle, and the street outside the restaurant was crowded. Edward tucked himself against Jasper’s side, wrapping an arm around his waist. Jasper knew he didn’t have to do it anymore--it had been a while since Edward’s anxiety got the better of him in a crowd--but he still liked to. It was a small slice of possessiveness they were both comfortable with.

 

“So, let me make sure I understand,” Jasper said. “It’s my birthday, but I don’t get to choose where we go.”

 

“I have infinitely better taste in venues than you do.” Edward kissed his cheek.

 

Jasper stopped before they got to the door and pulled Edward in front of him. He looked him up and down. “You remember the last time we were here?”

 

Edward scoffed. “I tried to beat up a car.” He flexed his hand.

 

“Yeah. Your mother bugged you about your hoodie. Look at you now.” Jasper adjusted his tie, happy and proud. “I’d say you clean up right. I’m not sure why you think my birthday warrants dressing up, but damn you look good.”

 

“Ah, I really do.”

 

“So modest, too.”

 

“Part of my charm.”

 

Jasper pulled him closer and kissed him in earnest.

 

“Jasper,” Edward sighed into his mouth between kisses. “We need to go inside.”

 

Jasper grumbled and pressed him tighter against him. “No. There’s only one thing I’m hungry for. Let’s get out of here, babe.”

 

Edward whimpered, and for a second, Jasper thought he had won. Then Edward groaned and shoved him backward though he kept his hands tangled in Jasper’s shirt. “We need to go in.”

 

“But-”

 

“Will you trust me?” The look in his eyes was equal parts exasperation and adoration.

 

Jasper smirked. “Fine, fine. If you’re hungry for food…” He took Edward’s hand. “Let’s go.”

 

When they went inside, Edward stepped up to the host. “Hey there.” He leaned on the podium and flashed his most charming grin. “I’m here for the party.” Jasper raised an eyebrow as Edward jerked his thumb back at him. “I brought the birthday boy.”

 

“Edward. What did you do?”

 

The host smiled indulgently. “This way. We have you in the private room.”

 

Edward winked at Jasper as they followed the host to the room in the back. As they stepped through the doorway, Jasper was greeted by the sight of his friends, coworkers, and Edward’s family. They all converged on him with hugs and happy birthday wishes. The room was bedecked in streamers, decorations, and banners. A table at the back of the room was laden with gifts.

 

Even Peter was there.

 

“You did this?” Jasper asked when he was finally free of all the arms around him.

 

Edward’s smile was unapologetic. “Alice helped.”

 

“It was his idea,” Alice said. “I had to convince him to rein it in. He has some grand plans, this boyfriend of yours.”

 

“Yeah.” Jasper took his hand again and stared into Edward’s shining eyes. “He’s prone to overdoing things on occasion.”

**~0~**

Dinner was delicious. Jasper sat with Edward on one side and Alice on the other. Edward kept his hand on Jasper’s thigh even as they talked and laughed with everyone. He was happy and vibrant and beautiful and healthy. Jasper sipped at his drink. The alcohol, the company, his boyfriend… it all made him warm and fuzzy inside.

 

When the dinner dishes were cleared away, Edward stood up. He ducked down to kiss Jasper’s forehead. “Be right back, babe.”

 

“You’d better hurry, or I’ll eat your dessert.”

 

“I’ll try.”

 

When he got up, Esme took the chance to take his seat between Jasper and Bella. “Look at him,” she said, her eyes trained on her son’s retreating back. “Jasper, I know it’s your birthday, but this night has been so great for Edward. I never thought I would see him smile like that again.”

 

“I wondered about that,” Bella said. “I used to think it was just hard to make him smile.”

 

Esme shook her head. “It wasn’t always. When he was a teenager, he knew it was part of his charm. He knew how to use that grin of his. He knew he could get waitresses to change up the menu free of charge. Things like that.” She put her hand to her heart. “I missed it.” She looked to Bella. “Oh, if you could have seen him then.”

 

Bella tilted her head. “I’m not going to say I wish I’d known him then because there was nothing wrong with the Edward I met. But he’s happy now. Anyone can see that.”

 

“Oh.” Esme squeaked and flashed Jasper a sheepish smile as she stood up again. “I better get back to my own seat.”

 

Jasper looked over to the doorway and was somewhat shocked to find Edward had come back in the room with what looked to be a huge and ornate sheet cake in his arms. There was a box nestled at it’s center, protected on an island of fondant. The box was wrapped with a bow, and of course, as soon as Edward set down the cake--why he was carrying it and not the waiters milling behind him, Jasper didn’t know--Jasper reached for the thing. Edward smacked his hand away and wagged his finger.

 

“It’s not present time yet.” He took a cigarette lighter from his pocket and touched it to a wick on one end of the cake. Jasper and several others at the table jumped when the candles that lined the edges of the cake all lit simultaneously.

 

“Show off,” Jasper accused.

 

“Duh,” Edward said, and kissed the tip of his nose. He straightened up and led the table in a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday to You. Jasper had trouble getting all twenty-four of the candles blown out as his friends clapped and cheered. He expected Edward to tease him. When he’d finally gotten the last candle out, he turned to tell his boyfriend just that only to have his words die in his mouth when Edward dropped to one knee beside him.

 

There were several gasps and squeals around the table, but Jasper stopped breathing altogether. He could barely process a thought as Edward reached over to pluck the “gift” from its resting place at the center of the cake.

 

“Jasper.” The word shook as Edward spoke. He pressed his lips together, swallowed hard, and when he spoke again, his voice was steady. “Baby, I love you. I’ll love you for the rest of my life.” He opened the box to reveal a ring--sleek and just Jasper’s type--nestled at its center. “Will you marry me?”

 

Jasper laughed. He couldn’t help it. There was no humor in his laugh. Rather, it was the sound of his profound joy bubbling up from a place deep in his chest and spilling over. His eyes stung with tears. His smile stretched so wide, his cheeks hurt. His fingers trembled. “Yeah. Yes. Edward, yes. Yes.” He tugged on Edward’s hand, ring and all, and pulled him into his arms as he stood up.

 

Their friends and family cheered, but Jasper hardly saw them or heard them. He had Edward’s face cradled in his hands. For a handful of moments, as they stared into each other’s eyes, the entire world consisted of only them and the love that existed between them, tested and tried and always, always true.

**~0~**

Off and on for the last year or so, Edward had begun to taste normalcy.

 

At first, it came in increments so small, Edward could only realize later they’d even occurred. They were the small things--his ability to wear something other than his hoodie, the day it didn’t take a half hour to convince himself to leave his bed, the time a stranger tapped on his arm to ask for the time and Edward didn’t jump or freak out. They were such innocuous moments--things a person who’d never been through trauma or debilitating depression wouldn’t even recognize as accomplishments.

 

Little by little by little, bit by hard earned bit, Edward began to gain his life back. He began to function--as a boyfriend, a friend, a student, a son, a brother. He began to dream again and plan for the future. He went back to school and started going out with friends, maintaining relationships.

 

His newest friends had no idea he had ever been ‘weird’.

 

Sometimes, even Edward forgot there was something not quite right about him. He forgot there had ever been a question about whether he could have these things: a real life, a happy future… hot, hard, sweaty sex. The clothes falling in a trail across the floor, toppling down in the hallway because the bedroom was just too far away kind of sex that went hand-in-hand with a marriage proposal. It was rough sex, full of passion and desire. When he lay on his back, his legs wrapped around Jasper, Edward forgot that once upon a time, the very idea of this scared him.

 

But always, always, even in the best of times, there was something lurking around the corner to remind Edward he wasn’t normal.

 

The night Jasper said yes to him should have been one of the happiest nights of his life. It was, really. The party was great, the sex was better, and there was excitement in the air about weddings and getting to spend the rest of their lives together. They fell asleep, sticky and content in each other’s arms. Edward woke to Jasper’s kisses and wandering hands. They made love again in the shower and fell asleep tangled together.

 

When Edward woke up again, he was thrown into full blown terror. He sat bolt upright in bed, breathing hard, frantic as he looked to the side. His dream had left him bereft and painfully certain the right side of his bed would be empty and cold. It wasn’t, of course. When he saw Jasper there, the blanket slung low about his waist so the defined features of his chest and shoulders were evident even in the moonlight, Edward could fill his lungs again.

 

Still panicky, Edward untangled himself from his blankets as carefully as he could. He was surprised Jasper was still fast asleep. Typically, his boyfriend--his fiance--was so attuned to him, he was the one who coaxed Edward out of his nightmares.

 

Edward threw his legs over the side of the bed and rubbed at his eyes. His nightmare tonight wasn’t concrete. They were more impressions than images. It had started out happy enough. The ecstatic emotion of the evening, the profound joy that Jasper had agreed to be his now and forever and for the rest of their lives had carried on into his dreams. But then, Aro had been there, and all Edward knew was that he lost everything.

 

Restless, Edward pushed to his feet and padded out to the living room, pulling his robe on as he went. Fear was giving way to an old fury. It was the kind of anger that left a foul taste in his mouth and left him tensed, ready and wanting a fight.

 

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to interpret his dream. Once upon a time, Edward had been a young man with everything. He was genius-smart and charming to boot. He came from a wealthy family. The fact he was gay could have brought drama and heartbreak for him, but it didn’t. He had good friends and a family who loved him unconditionally. He had the world on a string and the attention an doting, supposedly loving boyfriend.

 

When Aro hurt him, Edward was rocked to his core. His certainty in his world, his entire self, was eradicated, and with it any chance of the life he would have had. It was true he was better, more confident than he’d been a year, even a few months ago. He smiled again and believed he could have a happy future. He knew he wasn’t worthless or useless. But still, there existed in him the knowledge he could lose it all. He had been bested once, been controlled and betrayed by the weakness of his own body.

 

One person, a trusted, even beloved person, could alter his happy world.

 

Edward clenched his fists and his jaw as he paced the living room. Like dominoes, one thought toppled back into another, and before he knew it, he was wrapped up in an old bitterness.

 

There was, Edward had come to understand, a definite difference between people like him and so called normal people. It was true of everyone that their reality, their very identity, could be altered in a heartbeat. No one was safe. It was one of the things Edward had the hardest time accepting. Nothing he could do would make him a hundred percent safe from every horrible thing that could happen to him. It didn’t make him weak or pathetic. It simply made him human.

 

For the most part, Edward was glad so many people had the fortune to remain blissfully ignorant. For them, he was a statistic, a sad story they might have read in a magazine. They could afford to let such grim realities be stories without real faces; they could push them to the back of their minds and move on with their happy, bright lives. There was only one exception Edward could think of.

 

In his worst moments, when fear and fury had their hold on him, Edward imagined Aro’s life. For six years, when Edward had been hitting rock bottom, while he struggled to find his self-worth and put aside his paranoia, Aro had been, by all accounts, successful and happy. Why should he be? And even now, when Edward had found happiness, Aro--and everything he represented--was still there, still lurking, still ready to drag him back into the darkness. The least the asshole could do was have the decency to have a fucked up life.

 

Edward turned on his heel and headed for the spare room where they kept the punching bag Jasper had bought years ago. He was cognizant enough to slip his gloves on before he threw the first punch.

 

There had been more than one time he’d wished it was him and not his father who’d punched Aro that day. He’d have done more than break his nose. A scarred face would be the least of what Aro deserved. Edward could have done that much. Let him go through life without his handsome features to help him. Give him a taste of what it felt like to be sure everyone was staring, judging.

 

Why couldn’t life be that fair at least? To give Aro a taste of what Edward had struggled with--the depths of depression, self-loathing, the crippling fear. Edward had to work hard for things a lot of people--people like Aro--took for granted. Why was there not some asshole in Aro’s life who would hold him down and take…

 

Edward collapsed to his knees, breathing hard. He leaned his forehead against the punching bag and closed his eyes against the tears that threatened.

 

No. He wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Not even Aro.

 

“Babe?”

 

Edward inhaled in a gust. He lifted his head, but he didn’t turn around. He didn’t need to. The sound of Jasper’s footfalls as he hurried across the room were a sweet relief. Edward held his breath and only let it out when Jasper had knelt and wrapped his arms around him. He shook the gloves off and brought his hands up over Jasper’s against his chest. Jasper’s head was a warm weight against his back. “Talk to me, Edward. Tell me what’s wrong.”

 

Edward opened his mouth, but he didn’t know what to say first. His thoughts swam. He leaned back, letting Jasper maneuver him into a more comfortable position. They sat on the floor, Jasper wrapped around him from their legs all the way up to their heads. Jasper rocked them and kissed the side of his hair as Edward stroked his finger over the ring he’d given Jasper that evening. A thought came to him then, clear and obvious as anything.

 

“I need a pen. And paper.”

 

Jasper froze. “What?”

 

“Paper. I need to write something.”

 

“What do you need to write?”

 

It wasn’t as simple a question as it should have been. Edward didn’t have the words yet to articulate what he was going to do. “Please get it for me. Please.”

 

“Yeah. Of course I will.” Jasper stroked his cheek, trying to get him to look up. “Are you sure you’ll be okay if I leave you here?”

 

Edward shook his head. “I’ll, um… The kitchen. I’m going to the kitchen.”

 

“Okay.” Jasper stood, bringing Edward up with him. He still had his hands out, as though he were readying to catch Edward, when Edward stepped out of his arms.

 

He swallowed hard and tried for a shaky smile. “I’m okay. I’m going to be okay.”

 

Jasper caressed his hair. “Okay. I’ll get what you need.”

 

A few minutes later, Edward was at the table when Jasper came back with a notebook and a pen. Edward set to his task straight away while Jasper made his favorite hot tea. When it was done, Jasper set it in front of him and sat down beside him. He didn’t say a word. He just rubbed Edward’s back as he scribbled away.

 

“Edward.” Jasper kissed his temple. “What’s going on?”

 

Edward took a deep, shaky breath. “I’m writing to Aro.”

 

Jasper exhaled in a gust. “What? Why? What are you writing to that prick?”

 

“Everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted to say to him.”

 

“Edward…”

 

“I’m not going to send it.” He took another breath, avoiding Jasper’s gaze as he wrote. “I’m not that stupid. It’s not like he would be sorry. I’m just… I don’t want to hold this shit anymore.”

 

“Okay,” Jasper said, but Edward could tell he didn’t understand.

 

“I get so pissed off at the injustice of it. And while I’m still angry, while I keep thinking of him and his life, he still has control over me. So I’m done. I’m done wishing I had punched him when I had a chance. I’m done hating the fact he isn’t miserable. I’m done wishing I could force him to understand what he did to me, make him feel bad. I’m done with all of it. None of those things are going to happen. He’s not going to be miserable. He’s going to have his happiness, and if… If I see him again one day, and I see him happy again, like he was, I don’t want all this… vitriol. It’s poison. It’s poisoning me, not him. And what’s the point of that?”

 

Jasper said nothing. He put his hand over Edward’s left one and threaded their fingers together.

 

Clutching his fiance’s hand, Edward finished his letter. He stared down at the small stack of papers. It felt surreal to see the words, to know the marks on the page described his torment in detail. All the things he wanted to force into Aro’s brain, all the knowledge he had to live with every day. Let him try to breathe with the weight of those words on his shoulders.

 

Jasper rubbed his shoulder, moving closer to him, lending his support. Edward closed his eyes again, trying to keep dizziness at bay. “I… I need a lighter.”

 

Jasper didn’t question. He got up, and when he came back, he’d set a large metal bowl and a lighter down on the table. He sat back down again, his hand on Edward’s thigh.

 

Edward breathed in and out, in and out. He opened his eyes and picked up the papers with a trembling hand. His throat was dry as he picked up the lighter. “Why is this so hard?” he whispered.

 

Jasper took the lighter and sparked the flame. He put the lighter back in Edward’s hand, and wrapped his fingers around him. “I got you, baby.”

 

“Okay.” Edward swallowed sporadically. “Okay.” He moved the paper toward the flame, shaking hard. “Okay.” He touched the very corner of the paper to the fire. It caught instantly of course. A tear welled and fell from the corner of his eye as he watched the paper curl inwards, blackened bits falling into the bowl on the table. As the orange flame climbed higher, Edward stared, transfixed.

 

“Let it go,” Jasper murmured, his lips against Edward’s ear. “Sugar, let it go.”

 

Edward loosened his grip and watched as the papers fell into the bowl.

 

When the pages were naught but ash, Edward picked up the bowl. He made his way to their balcony. It was, for once, not raining, but a sharp breeze bit at his cheeks. Jasper, of course, stepped out beside him. He stayed at his side, one arm wrapped around his waist, holding him close.

 

“You and I are going to start a life together,” Edward said. His voice didn’t tremble. An odd peace had come over him. He tipped the bowl over the balcony and watched as the ash fell to the ground and up into the air. “He doesn’t get to be part of it. Not anymore.” He set the empty bowl down on the railing.

 

Jasper’s grip tightened and he pressed the tip of his nose against the side of Edward’s face. “It’s going to be a beautiful life, Edward.”

  
Edward turned in his arms and smiled. It was a genuine smile, unencumbered by the weight he’d carried for so long. He wrapped his arms around Jasper’s neck and kissed him. “Yeah. It really is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And our tale is told, though we will be back for an epilogue. I’ll save the mushy stuff for then.
> 
> For now, in the words of ThinkGeek, have a satisfactory, non-denominational, capitalist wintertime, gift-giving season. You are loved and appreciated. Really.


	25. Epilogue - The Happily Ever After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sneaking this in just before Christmas is over!

“Edward?”

 

There was a soft hand on his shoulder, Edward realized as he woke slowly. His lids were too heavy and his thoughts too groggy.

 

“Wake up. You don’t have to wake all the way, but just enough so we can walk to bed.”

 

His father. There was something wrong, something off about his father being there. Edward couldn’t figure, for a moment, why it bothered him. He sighed and shifted. When he moved, something warm and tiny in his arms made the softest of snuffles. Edward’s eyes flew open and his arms tightened around the bundle he held against his chest. “Avery?”

 

“Careful, Edward. You’ll wake her.”

 

Edward blinked at the baby in his arms. As his eyes got used to the dim light, he could make out her features--her button nose and the shell-pink of her lips, pursed lightly in sleep. He let out a breath and looked blearily up at his father. “Dad, what are you doing here? Where’s my husband?”

 

Carlisle smiled. “Your mother put him to bed. She’s working on your son. Now it’s your turn.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“Nothing. Nothing at all. Jasper called. He said the babies wouldn’t stop crying, and you needed help.”

 

“I didn’t want him to call you.”

 

“Edward. You’re exhausted. What did your mother and I tell you when you brought them home? One baby is hard enough. We’re here to help. We want to help.”

 

Edward opened his mouth to argue, but he slumped back down again. He ran his hand over his daughter’s back, marveling again now that he was more awake. “They coordinate. I swear they do. As soon as one of them knocks out, the other one starts screaming. They’re doing it on purpose.”

 

“I’m sure that’s true. I thought the same thing about my collicky newborn and my raumbunctious four-year-old back in the day.” Carlisle ruffled his hair affectionately. “Let us take care of them. You get some sleep.”

 

Edward hummed. He was very tired. The idea of getting up from the couch wasn’t appealing, especially when he had his baby girl in his arms, radiating baby heat. What was wrong with falling asleep on the couch?

 

“Come on. I promised Jasper I’d send you up.”

 

Right. Of course. It felt as though it had been forever since he’d so much as cuddled with his husband. It hadn’t, of course. The twins were only three weeks old. But if Edward and Jasper could sneak a catnap in, they were lucky. It seemed like one of them was always up with one of the babies. “Sleep in the same bed at the same time? That’s a novel concept.”

 

Edward stood and yawned.  He let Carlisle take Avery and followed obediently up the stairs. In the twins’ nursery, they found his mother in the rocking chair with an alert but quiet Aiden. “Hey, sweetheart,” Esme greeted, grinning that proud-grandma grin that hadn’t left her face in three weeks.

 

“How’s Thing One?” Edward asked.

 

“Fighting it. He’s going to be trouble, this one.”

 

Edward hummed and stroked his fingers against the downy hairs on Aiden’s head. His expression must have been more pinched than he wanted, because Esme sighed. “I see that look, Edward Cullen. You have not had enough sleep to overthink things.”

 

“I’m not-”

 

“Hey. This is my don’t-lie-to-me face. Learn it. Use it. Love it.”

 

Edward grinned, but his smile fell almost as quickly as it appeared. He sighed. “I don’t know, Mom. I’ve just been wondering lately if I’m good enough for them. And then I get frustrated, because I wonder if the depression is coming back again. What good would I be to them like that?”

 

“It’s not the depression. Every parent feels like that, I think.” Esme’s expression turned just the slightest bit sad, her eyes far away as she spoke. “That you won’t be enough and can’t be enough are probably the greatest pains of being a parent.”

 

“But it’s like anything else, better than anything else.” Carlisle shifted Avery to one arm so he could put his hand to Edward’s shoulder. “You’re a strong man, Edward. Stronger than me and your mother. These kids will be stronger for it.”

 

Edward was quiet as he stared at his children. He was beginning to realize, with stunning clarity, the depths of his parents’ guilt and devastation over what had happened to him. He couldn’t imagine…  “I don’t want them to have to be so strong.”

 

“It’s late, sweetheart. You have the rest of your life to enjoy all the worry and the joy they’ll bring you.” Esme stood, careful of the now sleeping baby in her arms. She kissed Edward’s forehead. “I’m still your mother. Mind me, and go to bed.”

 

“Yes, Mom.” Edward pressed a kiss to Avery and Aiden’s foreheads, and with one last look, he ambled to his bedroom. Fatigue drained at his ability to worry. Seeing Jasper’s form in their bed drove every other thought from his head.

 

After so many years, Edward could tell how tired Jasper was by how he fell asleep. That night he was sprawled, limbs askew, across his side of the bed and most of Edward’s as well.

 

Edward perched on the edge of the bed, his lips pursed in a rueful smile as he watched Jasper sleep. He regretted being too stubborn to call his parents sooner. He’d run them both into the ground. But then, that’s one of the reasons they worked, and one of the reasons he didn’t need to worry quite so much about their babies. He had backup--a system of checks and balances.

 

They made a good team.

 

With lethargic movements, Edward unwound the blankets from Jasper’s grip. He laughed when his husband’s brow furrowed and he growled, trying to pull the blankets back. Edward dipped his head to brush his lips at Jasper’s ear. “It’s just me, babe.”

 

Jasper relinquished his hold on the blankets to wrap his arms around Edward’s neck. “Come to bed,” he mumbled, pulling him down.

 

“Trying. You need to let me in.”

 

“Can’t right now, sugar.” Jasper opened his bleary eyed and yawned. “The kids might walk in.”

 

“That would be impressive.” Edward got his legs under the covers and slung his arm over Jasper’s waist, curling up with his head on his chest. “They can’t even lift their heads.”

 

“They’re smart though. They’ll figure it out.” Jasper nuzzled his chin in Edward’s hair and splayed his hand over his back. “They’re asleep?”

 

“Mom and Dad have them. Thank you for calling them.”

 

“I didn’t do it for you. You passed out and left me all alone with Aiden. I don’t think the noises he made were human. Are you sure he’s not part banshee?”

 

“Mix up at the clinic? Oh well. We have him now, and you know how lazy I am about returning defective products. We’ll just have to keep him.”

 

Jasper hummed, already mostly asleep again. “I kind of like him. Defects and all.”

 

Unconditional love had always been what Jasper was best at. Edward raised his head to kiss the underside of his chin. “Sleep.”

 

“Sleep,” Jasper agreed.

**~Three Years Later~**

“Oh, my goodness. Look at you two. You grow at least a foot every time I see you.”

 

“Hi, Aunt Bella.” Avery hugged one of Bella’s legs while Aiden wrapped himself around the other.

 

“We’re three today. Did you know?”

 

Bella reached down to ruffle both kids’ hair. “I do know. I was there when you were born.”

 

“You were?” Aiden asked with wide eyes. “You remember that far back?”

 

Jasper had to laugh at the wry look on Bella’s face. Considering she was, biologically, the twins’ mother and she’d given birth to them, he didn’t think she would be forgetting anytime soon. She looked up at him, her expression wry, before she turned her attention back to the kids.

 

“I have a good memory for these kinds of things,” she said.

 

“Who’s older?” Avery asked, a challenge in her voice.

 

“Aiden. By seven whole minutes.”

 

“See, Avy? That makes me the boss of you.” Aiden looked smug.

 

“Nu-uh.”

 

“You’re not the boss of anyone yet, bud,” Jasper said, lifting his son up onto his hip.

 

“Then why is Henry the boss of Clara?” Aiden asked, pointing to his cousins across the lawn.

 

“Because Henry is seven years older than Clara, and Clara is one.”

 

“She’s just a baby,” Avery said in her duh-brother voice.

 

Jasper turned his head to hide his eye-roll. “Okay, kids. Go play. I’ll take care of Bella.”

 

“You should have punch, Bella,” Aiden called over his shoulder as he ran off. “I made it.”

 

“By made it, he means he helped Esme stir the 7-Up and fruit punch,” Jasper said.

 

Bella grinned, but before she could speak to this, she was being spun around in Edward’s arms. She squeaked and hugged him as he set her down. “Hello to you too.”

 

He kissed her cheek. “I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“You know I wouldn’t miss this.”

 

“Well, before we go back out to the madness, we have something for you,” Jasper said.

 

Bella raised an eyebrow. “For me? It’s not my birthday.”

 

“Yeah, but we wanted you to know, we haven’t forgotten, we’ll never forget they’re part of you.”

 

“They both have your pretty eyes,” Edward said.

 

“And Avery has your ears.”

 

“You’re thanking me for that?” Bella stroked her ears self-consciously, but her eyes were shining.

 

Edward hugged her close. “I love your ears.”

  
Jasper sidled up on her other side so they could hug her between them. She laughed and wrapped one arm around each of them. “Easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Watching you guys with them is enough of a gift on its own, but you spoiled me enough when I was pregnant.”

 

“Well.” Edward slipped an envelope in her back pocket and put his hand to her as of yet flat belly. “I know you get to keep this one, but since you’re pregnant again, you can still enjoy a spa day on us.”

 

“Yeah, and I’ve seen your boyfriend’s massages,” Jasper said. “He sucks. Get a professional to do it when you’re big and achy.”

 

Bella blushed and smirked at them. “You’re too good to me.”

 

“Hardly, but enough of that. We should head out to the party. Mom and Alice outdid themselves.” Edward shook his head. “We’ve got a superhero theme going on. There are capes for everyone. It’s crazy.” He gestured that Bella should walk on ahead of him and reached his hand back.

 

Jasper threaded their fingers together as they followed Bella out into Carlisle and Esme’s backyard. “Hold on,” Edward said, tugging him back to his side before they could step out into the lawn.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” There was a faraway look in Edward’s eyes, but when he turned to Jasper, his smile was serene. “I just… need a minute.”

 

Jasper looked out at the lawn where their friends and family had gathered. Maybe next year, when the twins were in school, there would be a bunch of kid running around, but for now, it was the people who’d stuck by them through thick and thin. Carlisle and Esme - the epitome of the proud patriarch and matriarch, watching over their brood with proud smiles and cuddling their grandbabies close at every opportunity. Bella, who’d helped Edward and Jasper have their precious babies. Alice with her six month old daughter, Cynthia on her hip, Peter with Garrett, Emmett, Rosalie, and their kids.

 

And of course, their babies. Avery with her button nose and sweet smile. Her hair fell straight in spun gold. Those who were chronically obsessed with her biology took that to mean she was Jasper’s daughter, but her blond genes could just as easily have come from Carlisle. Aiden, their too-curious-for-Daddies’-comfort little boy, had blue eyes that could have come from either family. Edward and Jasper couldn’t have cared less. The kids were cherished and loved exactly as they were, biology regardless.

 

“I’m lucky,” Edward said.

 

Jasper kissed him soundly. “We all are.”

 

“Daddy!”

 

Edward and Jasper both stood and hurried out into the yard where the kids were playing. Avery ran at them and leapt up when Jasper opened his arms. She looped his arms around his neck in a stranglehold and buried her head against his skin. He could tell she wasn’t seriously hurt. Her little whimpers were more miffed than anything.

 

Aiden skidded to a stop in front of his parents. “I didn’t do nothing. I swear.”

 

“I told him to stop, Daddy. I told him to stop, and he didn’t.”

 

“I was just tickling her. She likes to tickle.”

 

Avery raised her head to glare at her brother. “Not today.”

 

Jasper glanced at Edward, and they both sat on the grass. Edward pulled Aiden onto his lap. “Did we talk about this before, bud?”

 

Aiden made a face. “But she liked it yesterday.”

 

“Yesterday isn’t today,” Jasper said.

 

“But-”

 

“But whose body is it?” Edward asked, his tone even and patient.

 

“It’s my body,” Avery said, screwing up her nose. “And no means no.”

 

Aiden put his finger in his mouth, sucking in consternation.

 

“Did you want to make your sister upset?” Jasper asked.

 

Aiden shook his head. “I wanted her to laugh,” he said around his moist finger.

 

“Was she laughing?”

 

“A little. But she got mad and yelled.”

 

“Okay. Do you think you should have stopped when you saw she was upset?”

 

Aiden considered this. Finally, he nodded slowly. He took his finger out of his mouth. “Sorry, sister.”

 

“It’s okay.” Avery scrambled out of Jasper’s arms and clambered up into Edward’s lap so she could hug her brother. Jasper covered a laugh as Edward winced under the onslaught of bony elbows and knees.

 

When the twins ran off again, Jasper scooted over to Edward’s side. He tucked him under his arm and kissed his forehead. “So this is what happily ever after looks like, huh?”

 

Edward rested his head on Jasper’s shoulder. “I’ll take it.”

**~The End~**

**PSA: When I said rather than teach our girls how not to be raped, we should teach our boys (and girls, tbh) not to rape, a reader asserted that it couldn’t be done. Well, I respectfully disagree. This is just one tiny example of how you can begin to introduce the issue. I got this scenario from the Big Comfy Couch.**

 

**I think this is so important. We’ve all heard the statistic that one in four women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. The corollary we don’t think of is that one in four men, therefore, is a rapist. Granted, it's a rough statistic. Contrary to what we’d all like to believe, rapists aren’t dark and devious men who wait in dark alleys. Most rapists are people we know, people we love, people we trust. So can we teach our young people not to rape? Well… I think we’d better try, because obviously, what we’re doing (and not doing) is failing. Like Aro, most rapists have no clue that what they’ve done is rape because what they’ve done doesn’t match the violent stranger scenario we all have in our heads.**

 

**Just something to think about.**

 

**Okay.**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/Ns: Thank you for making it through another tale of mine. It is a subject that’s so important to me, and I hope I’ve handled it with sensitivity and realism.
> 
> Many thanks to jessypt, songster, and barburella for everything they do for me. 
> 
> Jfka06 - it goes without saying I love you. Thanks for coaxing this story out of me. I’m proud of it.
> 
> The rest of you - kisses and love for all your kind words. They mean more than I could ever express. Much heart, and I’ll catch you next time.


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